Fargate
by Destroyer Uv Nations
Summary: SG1 and the crew of Moya must keep the stargate out of the hands of evil. A bit of a Crackfic.
1. The Big Round Thing

"Hey guys, what's that big round thing floating in space out there?" John asks. "Is that normal?" He feels stupid when he realizes no one is in the Command with him so he pretends he was talking to Pilot. "…Pilot?"

"It appears to be…a big round thing, Commander Crichton," Pilot answers.

"Well obviously, I know that much," John says. "Anything else you wanna tell me?"

"There is another object floating nearby. Would you like me to bring them onto Moya?" Pilot replies.

John thinks about it for a second. "You know what Pilot, let's not," he decides. "Every time we mess with random strange things like that stuff goes horribly wrong. Just leave it."

"It is too late, Commander," Pilot tells him. "The others are already towing the big round thing onboard."

John sighs dramatically loud in frustration. "Those greedy little buttheads, they can't keep their hands off of anything they set their eyes upon."

John heads down to the cargo bay. He finds everyone surrounding the big round thing, which is now inside Moya.

"Guys, why…just…why?" John says, joining them in studying the thing.

"Why not?" Chiana replies.

"Because we don't know what this thing is, or what it might do!" John says, grabbing the hand that was about to poke the strange object and backing Chiana away from it. Far away.

"I hope it's a weapon," Aeryn says.

"No Aeryn, that's exactly what we hope it's _not_." John moves Aeryn to what he thinks might be a safe distance away. He grabs Chiana before she can return to the thing and moves her to stand next to Aeryn. "Just stay there."

"I wonder how much it's worth," Rygel says, getting too close to it for John's comfort. He pushes Rygel's throne sled to the other side of the room. "Hey!" Rygel exclaims.

"Yeah!" Chiana bounces past John again. "We could get rich!"

Rygel drives his throne over in front of the thing to admire the size of the big round object, imagining a pile of money in its place.

"No Chiana, don't touch it!" John shouts as he's struggling to drag Aeryn away. "What is wrong with you people!"

Chiana pokes the side of the big round thing. "See Crichton, you're worrying over nothing."

Ten seconds later a blast of blue…stuff shoots out of the large hole in the middle of the big round thing. Rygel is engulfed in it and is no longer there when the blue stuff retreats back to the round thing, the center of which is now filled with a liquid looking blue substance.

Jool is screaming from a distance. "It incinerated him!"

"So it is a weapon," Aeryn says.

"Chiana, get away from it!" John yells. She listens for once, it's a miracle!

Four people with guns walk out of the center of the big round thing and then the blue stuff they came out of disappears.

"Oh crap," John says. He puts his best effort into restraining Aeryn but ends up on the floor anyway. She has her pulse pistol aimed at the four intruders.

 _They look like humans,_ John thinks. _But they're probably Sebaceans. Just what we need._

Aeryn is shouting at them to drop their weapons, Chiana is crying and unsure if she should be more afraid of the newcomers or Aeryn, and Jool is screaming her head off while hiding behind a big container.

The four intruders slowly put their guns on the ground and raise their hands. John studies them more closely from his place on the floor. "You're wearing glasses!" he randomly blurts out, pointing.

"Uhm yeesss…" Daniel says, confused.

"Sebaceans don't wear glasses, you're humans!" John jumps up and tries to get Aeryn to lower her gun. "Aeryn, chill, they dropped their weapons. They're humans!"

Aeryn cautiously approaches one and looks at him closely. "I should've known you'd all look exactly the same."

"Uh, hey there, I'm Colonel Cameron Mitchell," says the one that looks disturbingly like John. "Do you mind telling us where we are?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out," John replies. He gestures to the big round thing. "Can that thing take us back to Earth?"

"Yah," Cam says, still confused.

"Aeryn, did you hear that?!" John says excitedly. "I can finally go home!" He grabs her and starts whirling her around. She prods him off with her gun.

Pilot interrupts John's little celebration. "We are being approached by Scorpius' Command Carrier!"

"Frell," Aeryn says.

"He wishes to speak to you," Pilot says.

"Well okay, but be prepared to starburst the microt I tell you," John says.

Scorpius appears on a screen. "I have no idea why I agreed to talk to you, Scorpy, so you better make it snappy before I change my mind," John says angrily.

"I want the stargate, Crichton," Scorpius says.

"I don't have no stargate, what are you talking about," John replies.

"Shut up, I can see it right over there," says someone else who comes into view on the screen. One of the newcomers says, "Ba'al!" in a surprised whisper.

"We will take it by force if necessary," Scorpius says menacingly.

"First you'll have to catch us," John says. "Pilot, starburst!"

The ship lurches dramatically. The new arrivals are caught off guard and go tumbling across the cargo bay. Once it's done John goes over to them.

"I want to talk to you guys," he says. "Please, can you make this thing take me back to Earth?"

"Yeah, just let me…" Daniel says. He stops and studies the big round thing. "All the symbols have been worn off. That would make it pretty much impossible to dial it manually." He looks around. "Do you have a DHD?"

"Huh?" John asks.

"Dial home device. Is there one here?"

John turns to the others. "You guys didn't get that other thing floating out there in space?"

Chiana looks away sheepishly. "We were gonna go back for it…"

"Great. That means Scorpius has it," John says.

 _ **On Scorpius' Command Cruiser**_

"I can't believe you let them get away," Ba'al says, frustrated.

"Would you have me destroy their ship and the wormhole technology along with it?" Scorpius shoots back. "At least we got the Dialing device."

"Dial home device," Ba'al corrects him. "Which is useless without the stargate. You should've got here faster before anyone else could find it!"

" _You_ should be grateful that my Marauder was here when you came through the stargate into space," Scorpius says. "Look, arguing will get us nowhere."

"I agree," Ba'al says. "We will just have to find them and take the stargate back."


	2. This Sucks

"We are coming into orbit now," Pilot announces to the group on Command.

"What can you tell us about the planet, Pilot?" Aeryn asks.

"An uninhabited swamp world," Pilot replies.

"Uninhabited again!" Jool complains. "This is the third one!"

"Let's hope this one has a better food source than the last one," John says.

"You're a food source!" Jool whines immaturely.

"I don't want none of that creepy talk, Jool, quit it," John scolds.

"We better get a move on before Ba'al and this Scorpion guy finds us," Cam says. "We cut it pretty close last time."

"But don't we kinda want them to find us, since they have the DHD that we need?" Vala asks.

"We're not prepared to face their Command Carrier yet, we'd be toast," John says, starting to prepare to go planetside.

"How are we gonna get prepared, where are the weapons on this thing," Vala says, messing with a panel.

"Moya doesn't have any weapons," Aeryn says while trying to shove Vala over with her whole body. Vala shoves back and they get into a shoving war.

Daniel intervenes. "Vala, get ready, we don't have a lot of time."

"Aeryn, you and Jool stay here in case Scorpius arrives," John says.

"Yeah, Teal'c, you stay with them," Cam says.

"What, why do I always have to stay on Moya?" Jool complains.

"'Cause you're a whiny little tralk who can't handle getting a little muddy," Chiana says.

Jool glares. "Oh, and you aren't?"

Chiana glares back. "I can handle it better than you."

 _ **On the Swamp Planet**_

"Ewww, I got mud down my shirt!" Chiana complains.

"Chiana, you told me you could handle it without any whining," John says.

I caaaan," Chiana whines.

Cam trudges his way through the mud. "So what exactly are we looking for?" he asks. "Nuts? Berries? Little critters? Homegrown tomatoes?"

"Anything that looks edible. We can check if it's safe back on Moya," John replies.

"What's toe-may-toes?" Chiana asks as she inspects a clump of hanging moss for longer than necessary before adding it to her basket-container.

"An Earth ingredient that you can use to create magical foods," Cam explains. "Like pizza."

"And spaghetti sauce," John adds.

"And salsa dip," says Daniel.

"And ice cream!" says Vala.

"Woah-ho-no, in no way should tomatoes be associated with ice cream," John says with a 'what the heck' look on his face.

"But Cam says they make the best foods," Vala says.

"Are they really magical?" Chiana whispers to John.

John dramatically leans in close to her and whispers back, "Yes."

"Aah! Help!" Daniel suddenly yells.

"Jackson!" Cam shouts back.

They go running (or rather, sucking along through the swamp as fast as they can) to find Daniel up to his knees in the mud. "Help! I'm stuck," he says.

Before anyone can stop her, Vala goes rushing to Daniel's rescue.

"Wait wait wait, Vala _stop!_ " Daniel shouts, waving his hand out to halt her.

But it's too late. Vala plunges knee-deep into the mud and gets stuck right beside him. "Well, that could have gone better," she says.

"You think? Oh, wait, no, you didn't," Daniel says.

Vala slaps him on the arm. "No need to be rude, Daniel. It can't be that hard to get out." She starts trying to pull her legs out but can hardly move them.

"Vala stop moving, it's making you sink faster," Daniel says.

"A little help!" Vala calls to the others.

"Alright." John finds a nearby piece of long driftwood. He drags it over and puts it a good distance away from the sinkhole. "No one passes this wood."

Chiana is about to do just that, "Then how are we gonna save them?"

John grabs her before she goes too far. "What did I just say, Pip? You cross this wood, you get stuck with them, and then we'd have to rescue all three of you."

Meanwhile, Cam has actually been doing something productive. He hands the end of a long vine to John. "Jackson, catch!" he says, throwing the other end to Daniel. "Okay, hold on tight. We'll pull you out."

Cam, John, and Chiana all pull as hard as they can, but the mud is up past Daniel's knees now and he's not budging.

"Let's loop it around this tree and use it like a pulley," John suggests.

 _ **On Moya**_

"Officer Sun," Pilot says, sounding nervous. "Moya has picked up the Command Carrier on long range sensors."

"They've been down there for more than an arn, what's taking them so long?" Jool says, a little panicky.

Aeryn calls John on the comm. ""Crichton, Scorpius has just entered the system, you better get back up here. Now."

She is answered by loud manly grunts of effort. "A little, _hngh,_ busy right now, _grngh,_ Aeryn."

"Crichton, you better not be frelling around down there," Aeryn says.

The grunting stops and is followed by heavy breathing. "We're not, Aeryn. We just, ah, ran into a little trouble."

"What am I supposed to do about Scorpius?" Aeryn asks.

"I left you in charge Aeryn, I can't talk right now," John replies before disconnecting.

"There is a large moon," Teal'c points out. "Maybe it will conceal us from the Command Carrier long enough for the others to return."

Aeryn nods. "Pilot, take us behind the moon."

 _ **In the Swamp**_

Cam wipes his arm across his forehead. "We're just not strong enough."

"And Scorpius is almost here," John says.

"What are we gonna do?" Chiana asks frantically.

"Don't panic, Chi. I've got an idea," John says, starting to walk away into the swamp forest. "I'm gonna go get the transport pod, we can pull them out with that. I'll be right back!"

"I'll find more vines," Cam says, already getting started.

"Chiana, you keep gathering food. We're still gonna need it once we get out of this!" John calls over his shoulder as he runs off through the bog as best he can.

Daniel and Vala are up to their stomachs in the mud now. "Vala, cut that out, you're splashing mud onto my glasses," Daniel says.

Vala stops trying to dig her way out of the mud. "I hope there are showers on the ship. I get to go first if there are, 'cause this is all your fault."

"We're sinking in a swamp in a far off part of the universe that we can't get home from, being chased by people who are trying to kill us, and you're worried about who gets to go first in the shower?"

"Well, we could get the shower together, Daniel, if that's the way you want it."

"No! Vala!" Daniel exclaims. "And this is not all my fault, by the way. You came running over into this sinkhole all on your own."

"I wouldn't have if you hadn't gotten yourself stuck in the first place," Vala replies.

"All right kids, that's enough," Cam says, returning with an armful of long vines. He throws a couple toward them. "Tie these around yourselves."

Soon John returns with the pod. He lands it as close as he can to the deep mud pit and gets out to help Cam attach the vines to the front.

 _ **On the Command Carrier**_

Scorpius growls as he hovers over the shoulder of his Second, Braca. "No sign of the Leviathan, sir," Braca says.

"Scan the planet, too," Scorpius orders. Ba'al hovers over Braca's other shoulder.

"Life signs on the planet," Braca reports. "Four humans, one Nebari."

"If they are here, where is their ship?" Ba'al wonders.

"Scans are still not showing a Leviathan," Braca says.

"They must have sent it away to try and lead us off their trail," Scorpius says. "They might very well have the stargate down on the planet to try and hide it."

"We should investigate," Ba'al says. "If we don't find the stargate we can at least take prisoners. We'll make them tell us where it is."

The two villains share an evil smile. They both whoosh their coats as they turn to leave. "To the Marauder!" Scorpius says. "I'm driving."

"You drove last time!" Ba'al says as they leave the room.

"Well, it's _my_ ship."

"Grr, fine, but I get to drive next time."

"We'll see…"

 _ **The Bog**_

"There, okay, I'm gonna hop in and back this baby up real slow," John says, climbing back into the pod.

The ship starts crawling backwards. The vines tied around Daniel and Vala get taut and they are slowly pulled from the mud. Once they are safely out of the sinkhole John lands the pod again. He jumps out. "We gotta hurry back up to Moya as fast as we can."

Cam runs over and helps his dirty friends up, untying the vines. John starts removing them from the pod. The sound of a nearby ships' engine make them all freeze.

"That sounded like another ship landing," Cam says lowly.

"You think they found us?" Daniel says, fumbling with the vines wrapped around him.

"We need to get out of here," John says. "Where's Chiana? _Chiana_!" He abandons his task of removing the vines from the pod to go looking for Chiana.

He comes back soon after just as they are getting the last of the vines off of Vala. "I can't find Chiana."

They can hear the voices of Scorpius and Ba'al approaching.

"Here I am!" Chiana says, running to join them with four basket-containers full of possible foods. She trips and stumbles, spilling one of the containers. "Frell!" She starts gathering it back up.

"Move your butt, Pip! Forget that!" John says. "Everyone into the pod!"

They all race into the transport pod. John starts it up and lifts off. "Pilot, once we're onboard I want immediate starburst!" he says over the comm.

"Of course, Commander," Pilot replies.

Vala is trying to wipe off the dried mud that's covering her. She gives up and settles for rubbing up on Daniel instead. "Ready for that shower, Daniel?"

Daniel awkwardly tries to escape. "Vala, I said no…"

 _ **In the Sinkhole**_

"Curse you, Crichton!" Scorpius yells. Ba'al struggles to get out of the mud but only succeeds in making dramatic sucking noises. Scorpius calls his ship and mumbles into his communicater.

"I'm sorry, sir, I didn't understand that," Braca says.

"I _SAID_ get your frelling butt down here and _help us!"_ Scorpius shouts.

"On my way, sir."


	3. Not Prepared for This Part 1

"See ya later, Pilot," John says as he flies the transport pod out of the hangar deck.

"Uh, yes, see you later" Pilot responds. "Moya and I will be waiting for you."

When they had found a trade planet they'd devised a plan to send Moya back to the last system they'd been to avoid detection in while they got supplies. Later they would meet up there.

"I sure hope this little trick will throw Scorpius and Ba'al off our trail," Cam says from the co-pilots seat.

Everyone else is crammed into the back.

"Don't touch me," Jool says.

"I'm not touching you," Vala replies.

"You are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Daniel, explain to her how I'm not touching a single person in here!" Vala says.

"Vala, you are all but sitting in my lap," Daniel replies, trying to scoot out from underneath her but Teal'c is taking up the other half of the seat.

"You don't count, I'm allowed to touch you," Vala says.

"Who says," Daniel mumbles under his breath.

"Move, it's my turn to sit in the chair," Chiana says, poking Aeryn.

Aeryn swats her hand away. "No, go sit on the floor."

"Why don't you sit on the floor." Chiana is now harshly trying to shove Aeryn out of the chair.

Aeryn pushes her to the ground. "Leave me alone, drenface!" Chiana jumps back up to attack Aeryn again.

Daniel is trying to see around Vala, who refuses to move from her seat atop him. "Guys, stop fighting. You can share the chair," he says, trying to restore that one last shred of peace that is ripping in half before his eyes. Actually his vision is obstructed by a clump of Vala hair, but you get the picture.

In one last attempt to get the chair for herself Chiana bites Aeryn in the face.

"Ow!" Aeryn shouts, and lunges, biting Chiana's face right back. Then she knocks her to the floor one last time. Teal'c, Vala, and Jool watch, none of them wanting to risk interfering.

"Crichton! Chiana bit me!" Aeryn calls.

"She bit me first!" Chiana says.

"Lies!"

"Do I need to come back there!" John yells.

"She started it!" Chiana replies.

"No, she did, she bit me first!" Aeryn says.

"She pushed me and called me a drenface!"

"I will turn this ship around," John warns. "And then you two can explain to Pilot why we didn't get the coolant coils Moya needs."

"Did they say they _bit_ each other?" Cam asks.

"Yeah, they…do that."

When the shouting and arguing starts up again John shakes his head. "That's it, I'm going back there."

Cam takes over flying the pod as John walks the short distance to the back. "All right, separate," he says.

Chiana and Aeryn immediately start talking over each other trying to blame the other one.

"Aah ah, I don't wanna hear it," John gets between them. "You, that corner, you, this corner. Nobody gets the chair. Geez, can you get any more childish?"

"I'm not childish, Crichton, you are," Aeryn says.

"I don't know Aeryn, that sounded pretty childish to me." She growls at him as he passes by on his way to the cockpit.

"How did you manage to survive out here with _them_ for so long?" Cam asks.

"I don't know, man," John answers. "I don't know."

When they arrive on the planet they split up to acquire food and coolant coils.

"How does this look?" Jool asks, wrapping a scarf around her neck.

Teal'c stares at her for a second. "We are not here for clothes," he says.

Jool pouts and throws the scarf back. She grabs a hat next, standing on her toes to put it on Teal'c's head. Then she steps back and studies him from five different angles. "I think you should buy it."

Teal'c removes the hat. "I do not require this. Come, Colonel Mitchell told us to find food."

Jool reluctantly follows him to a messy food cart. The seller looks more like a mad scientist than a shop owner. "Come, come!" he says excitedly. "I have a variety of tasty foods!"

Jool looks at the selection with suspicion. "Why is it all weird like that?"

"It's new!" says the exuberant shopkeeper. "I made it myself." Jool makes a noise of disgust and then starts leading Teal'c away.

"Wait!" The shopkeeper jumps in front of them, desperate not to lose a possible customer. He holds up a bottle of purple liquid. "I will give you a free sample! Like you've never tasted before, it will refresh you, renew you!"

Jool glares at him. "Are you calling me old?"

"I will taste it," Teal'c says. He grabs the bottle and takes a sip.

"Me too!" Jool snatches the bottle away and drinks from it as well. She looks astonished. "This…this is amazing!" She pulls out some gems she stole from Rygel's quarters and gives them to the shopkeeper. "We'll take some of that."

After a while of shopping they all regroup at the transport pod.

"We got the coolant coils," Daniel says.

"It wasn't easy," John says. "You guys have any luck with the food?"

Vala and Chiana are loading bags and bags of stuff into the pod. "Yeah, look what we got," Vala says. She holds up each item while Chiana announces what they are all called.

"Conta muffin."

"That's a dessert," Aeryn says.

"Frilnop cake." 

"Dessert."

"Talnors."

"Dessert."

"Raslak."

"That's alcoholic…"

"Okay, okay. You two are never shopping together again," John says. "Please tell me someone here got real food."

"We did, don't worry," Cam assures him, about to give Aeryn a friendly pat on the back but then thinks better of it.

"All right, let's go before Scorpy and Ba'al come sticking their big noses where they don't belong," John says. They all board the pod.

"Wait till you try what _we_ got," Jool says as they all crowd into the back again.

John starts the lift-off sequence and Cam takes the co-pilots chair. "Nice to see them getting along for once," Cam says.

He and John fly, enjoying the peace of quiet, friendly talk floating in from the back. The rare moment doesn't last.

"Woah!"

"What the frell!"

"Cam!"

"Crichton, come here!"

The two men sigh.

"I'll handle this one," Cam offers. He heads to the back to have a talk with them. Then he shouts, "That ain't natural!" before hurrying back to the cockpit. "John, they're babies!" he exclaims.

John snorts. "Heh, right? They can be so immature sometimes."

"No, I mean for real, Teal'c and Jool are _babies."_

"What." John leaves the ship on autopilot and follows Cam to the back. Daniel is cradling a little baby Teal'c while Chiana holds a baby Jool at arms length.

"What. Happened," John says.

"We don't know, they just…transformed," Aeryn says.

"We're kinda hoping it had nothing to do with that," Vala points at a bottle lying on the ground, only a few purple droplets left. "Teal'c and Jool brought it back and said we should try it."

"And how many of you drank some?" Cam asks, not sure if he even wants to know.

"Um, well…all of us."

"Crap," John and Cam say in unison.

 _ **On the Trade Planet**_

Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca wander the shopping area, asking people if they'd seen anyone matching the descriptions of John and his friends.

"I did! I did see an Interion woman and a man of a species I didn't recognize," says one eccentric shopkeeper.

"Did they say anything about their ships location?" Scorpius asks.

"No, they only-"

"Which way did they go?" Ba'al cuts him off.

"That way." The shopkeeper points. He blocks their path before they can leave. "First, may I interest you in a free sample?" he asks, holding out a bottle of purple liquid.

Scorpius growls lowly, then snatches the bottle. He tastes it. "That is…rather good."

He hands it to Ba'al, who tastes it as well. "Care to try some, Braca?" Ba'al offers.

"No thank you, sir, I'm on duty," Braca declines.

"Good, that was a test," Ba'al says.

"You never know from which direction a test is going to come, Braca," Scorpius tells him.

"Yes, sir."

Scorpius turns back to the shopkeeper. "We'll take it," he says, grabbing two more bottles.

"That'll be ten gems," the shopkeeper says happily.

Scorpius leans in close threateningly. "No. I mean we'll _take_ it."

Then they walk off in search of their prey.

 _ **Transport Pod**_

John and Cam stand there, staring at their crewmates, each and every one of them now a baby.

"What the heck are we supposed to do about this?" Cam says.

"You think maybe it'll wear off?" John asks.

"You want to take that chance?"

"No way, they were bad enough as adults; I can't imagine them as kids running around Moya." John thinks for a second. "I say we find out who sold them this stuff and see if he has an antidote or something."

John returns to the cockpit and turns the pod around to go back to the planet. "Maybe you should put diapers on them or something," he suggests.

"I don't _have_ diapers," Cam says.

"Improvise."

Cam improvises.

John's busy landing the pod when something crawls across the floor in front of him. "Woah, naked baby alert." He scoops up little Chiana and heads to the back. "Hey, you lost one."

"There are six babies here, it's hard to keep track of them," Cam replies, trying to wrestle baby Daniel into a makeshift diaper. "How are we gonna take them all with us?"

"Good question." John jumps into the project of creating baby backpacks using straps meant to hold down cargo. He hands one to Cam once he's finished.

Cam puts it on and then picks up a random nearby baby. "Hellooo little Teal'c," he babytalks. "Do you want a piggyback ride?"

Teal'c grabs onto Cam's ear.

"Ow, ow, oow."

John straps Chiana into his backpack. Then he picks up Jool and Aeryn. "Wait, is this Aeryn or Vala?" he asks.

Cam picks up the other one and looks at her closely. "I have no idea, there is no way to tell them apart."

"How do we tell them apart when they're not babies?" John wonders.

Cam shrugs, lifts up baby Daniel, and off they go. They exit the pod, each with a baby in both their arms and one on their backs.

"We look ridiculous," Cam says.

They search out the shop owner trying to sell bottles of purple stuff and demand answers.

"I told them it would renew them, the knew!" the guy says, trying to defend himself.

"No, I don't think they did," Cam says. "How do we reverse it?"

"You'd have to make them drink the sosorisolnis rock sap in its natural state," the nervous shopkeeper answers. "But I don't have any!"

"Let me guess," John says. "We can only find it in some far off cave in the mountains."

The shopkeeper nods.

"And we have to walk there?" Cam asks.

"Yes, air traffic is forbidden in the mountains."

"Great." Cam sighs. "Okay, let's stock up on baby stuff and get a move on."

…..

Hidden in the crowd, Braca watches them leave. He'd heard the whole conversation. "We'll just have to get there first," he says to baby Scorpius and Ba'al. He turns to go get their ship 'cause bad guys don't follow the rules.


	4. Not Prepared for This Part 2

"I can't believe they didn't sell strollers," Cam says, shifting the adorable sleeping baby Daniel closer to his shoulder while trying to keep the monster baby Vala from squirming out of his grasp.

John has been trying to calm a screaming Jool for the last fifteen minutes. "Once we get to the cave and give them the soso and so whatever rock sap stuff they can walk their own butts back down this mountain," he says.

Cam loses the battle with Vala as she wiggles out of his arm and topples to the ground. "Oh lord! Sorry Vala," Cam says, quickly kneeling down to get her. As he checks her over he says, "You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time you were dropped on your head."

Vala is fine but she is crying now. Not nearly as loud as Jool, though. "Man, that girl can scream," Cam says. "You sure she doesn't need her diaper changed?"

"I've tried everything," John replies. "Knowing Jool, she's probably screaming for no reason."

"I wonder how Daniel is sleeping through all this," Cam says.

John yawns. "I wish I was sleeping right now."

 _ **The Marauder**_

Braca is finding it very difficult to fly with two babies on the loose.

"No sir, please don't-" Scorpius rips a cable out of the bulkhead and starts chewing on it. Braca jumps up and rescues him before he gets electrocuted. He sets baby Scorpius down in a chair. "If you could just stay there, sir…"

Suddenly the Marauder rocks sideways and Braca stumbles. He crawls over to the controls and rights the ship. Immediately after, it rolls to the other side. Braca peers behind the control board to find little Ba'al messing with the wires.

"No, no sir, naughty sir." He snatches up the baby and sits him next to Scorpius.

Then the communications console flashes. "Attention Marauder, all air traffic in the mountains is restricted. Please return to the landing area or you will be shot down. Also you are being fined for drunk driving."

The sensors tell Braca that the Marauder is surrounded by security gunships. "Ah, frell," Braca says, turning the ship around.

 _ **The Mountain Trail**_

After a long while, John eventually managed to silence Jool's screams by putting her in the baby backpack. "Aah, finally, we can walk in peace and quiet."

Right after he says that, Chiana starts crying. "Aw man, don't do this to me, Pip." John starts bouncing her up and down. Aeryn starts crying in his other arm. "No, no baby, please," John pleads.

Cam chuckles at John's troubles but soon shuts up when Teal'c spits up on the back of his shirt. "Augh, gross. Thanks Teal'c." Then Daniel wakes up and joins in the crying. "Let's take a break," Cam suggests.

They sit down on some rocks and put the babies on the ground where they can see them. Cam strips his shirt off and grabs a baby wipe from his bag to clean off the Teal'c barf.

Distant shouting catches John's attention. He looks back down the mountain trail. "Who's that?" he wonders.

Cam puts his shirt back on. "Sounds like he's telling us to wait up."

John watches the stranger for a moment. As it comes closer he gets a better look. "Oh crap, that's a Peacekeeper." He starts gathering up his babies and Cam does too. "Let's go."

They pick up the pace when their follower starts to sound angry. "Definitely Peacekeeper," John says, looking over his shoulder. "Shoot! That's Braca, and," John snorts, "Scorpius and Ba'al are babies!"

"Ha!" Cam laughs.

They start to run, Braca racing to catch up to them. A random hiker stops and stares as two men with three babies each rush past, followed by another man with two babies. He scratches his head and continues on.

"He's gaining on us!" Cam exclaims.

Braca catches up and rams into John. John struggles to keep his footing. "Woah hey, watch it man!"

John and Cam stop running and Braca turns to face them. "Scorpius wants you alive, Crichton," he says to John. "But he didn't say anything about you!" Braca starts advancing toward Cam. Cam retreats toward the rocky slope of the mountainside.

John rushes over to the bushes and hides Aeryn, Jool, and Chiana. "Please _please_ stay there," he whispers before turning back to Braca.

"Hold on a minute," Cam says. "How do you know _I'm_ not Crichton?"

Braca falters but doesn't stop all the way. "I'm pretty certain you're not."

"But if you're wrong, and you kill the wrong guy, Scorpius is gonna get reaaall angry," Cam continues. Braca slows even more, studying Cam's face. Yeah, he'll shoot your butt right out the airlock."

Distracted and confused, Braca doesn't notice John sneak up behind him. John shoves him to the ground. Braca twists to land on his back, saving baby Scorpius and Ba'al from harm.

"Oh, what a cute baby," John says sarcastically, grimacing. "Do you mind if I hold him?" He snatches Scorpius from Braca's grasp.

"Hey!" Braca lunges, leaving Ba'al on the ground. John swings Scorpius up into the air and Braca misses. "Give him back!"

Cam circles around them to safety. John is playing keep away with Braca. After an embarrassing number of failed attempts, Braca finally seizes baby Scorpius.

John bounds away to the bushes where he left his friends. He calls over his shoulder, "You might still go out that airlock when Scorpius finds out you lost his evil partner in crime!"

Braca's head snaps around toward where he left baby Ba'al to see he is no longer there. Instead he is sliding down the gradual slope of the mountainside. "Frell!" Braca starts ungracefully skidding down on his feet and butt after the baby.

"That'll keep him busy for a while," Cam says as they hurry off toward the cave.

Once they arrive they start searching for the rock sap. John runs a hand along the cave wall while Cam overturns rocks.

"I don't see anything," Cam says. "We in the right cave?"

"It's the only cave," John replies. "We probably have to go deeper inside."

Jool chooses that moment to start screaming. It echoes in the closed space, causing Daniel to cry, which makes Chiana cry, which makes Aeryn cry, which makes Vala cry, and Teal'c spits up again.

"Aw seriously?" Cam groans.

"Come on, let's find this stuff fast," John says.

They travel deeper into the cave on the look out for any sign of the sap.

"Here!" Cam calls. "Over here, I think I found something!"

John runs over. There is gooey purple stuff leaking down the rock walls.

"Yeah, this must be it," John says, starting to fill baby bottles with the stuff.

"This _better_ be it," Cam says.

They feed the babies the purple goo.

"Okay, I guess now we wait," Cam says.

They sit there watching, waiting for something to happen. They both start to drift off when there is a bright flash. They snap awake to see their friends are back to normal.

There is a tiny silent awkward moment and then Vala giggles. "We're naked."

"Oh geez, right," John says. He and Cam start rummaging through their bag.

"Here, get dressed," Cam says, flinging their clothes at them while covering his eyes.

"Why are we all sitting here in a cave naked anyway?" Jool wonders.

"That is a long story," John replies.

Once they are all dressed they start the long walk back down the mountain. On their way out of the cave they pass a scratched up scruffy looking Braca with two screeching babies. He's too worn out to even bother with them.

"O-kaaay, who's giving me a ride back down?" Cam says, putting an arm around Daniel and Vala's shoulders.

"Huh?" Daniel responds.

"Well, I carried you three up here, so now it's my turn."

"Actually," John intervenes. "We never figured out who had Vala and who had Aeryn."

Vala smirks, thinking she's getting out of it.

"There might be one way to tell," Cam says. "I dropped one of you on your head."

"What," says Aeryn.

"What," says Vala.

"Nothing," says Cam.

"Then he mentioned how Vala probably got dropped on her head before," John says unhelpfully.

Daniel bursts out laughing, then tries to cover it up by pretending it was a cough.

"Excuse me?" Vala says.

Cam quickly jogs away to catch up with Teal'c. "Hey, big guy, give me a ride."

Teal'c stops and raises an eyebrow at him.

"C'mon, you threw up on me. Twice," Cam says. "You owe me."

"Very well," Teal'c agrees. Cam climbs up on Teal'c's back.

John's holding onto Aeryn's shoulders and hopping along behind her. "Come on Aeryn, let me on."

"No."

"Chiana?"

"No."

"Jool?"

"No."

"Please, I put up with your screaming the whole way up here."

"No."

"Cooome oooon guys, I changed your freakin' diapers for crying out loud."

"No."

John sulks at the back of the group the whole way down the mountain.


	5. Spooked

"Hey, welcome back, Stark," John says as Stark walks onto Command. "Where have you been?"

"Yeah, we could've used your help this past weeken," Aeryn says.

Cam is sprawled on his back over a table. "You call _that_ a weekend?" he asks, thinking about all that had happened to them over the past long seven days since they'd come through the stargate.

"Weeken just means week," John clarifies quietly.

Stark has been mumbling since he walked in. "I think I've been followed," he says louder.

"What do you mean, followed?" Daniel asks.

Stark stares at Daniel for a second. "Who are you?"

"Oh yeah, I'm Daniel, hello." Daniel holds out his hand.

Stark observes Daniel's hand, then sticks his own hand out so their fingers brush. "Hello. Yes, I felt like I was being followed."

"So…you felt like someone was following you but you're not sure?" Cam asks.

"Yes, I got the feeling, I'm sure," Stark tells him.

"There's nothing on the sensors," Aeryn says.

"Pilot, is Moya picking up any ships out there?" John asks.

"No, Commander," Pilot replies.

"No, not out there," Stark says. " _In here."_

"Wait, are you saying there's someone else in this ship with us?" John asks.

Stark nods enthusiastically.

"Maybe it was just one of us," Vala says.

"But we were all in here when he came on board," Jool says, looking around nervously.

They all stare at each other silently, listening, a gentle breeze blowing through Command.

"Wait, why is there a breeze inside a ship, is that normal?" Daniel asks.

Stark starts dramatically pointing at Daniel. "You felt it! You felt it too!"

Then the lights go out. Everyone jumps into action. Chiana rushes over and closes the door to Command, Cam's trying to call Pilot to ask about hull breaches, Jool is, yes you guessed it, screaming, and Aeryn is going through pictures from the internal sensors.

"Somebody shut Jool up before she melts something," John says, hovering over Aeryn's shoulder.

Teal'c clamps a hand over Jool's big mouth.

"Here's something," Aeryn says. She puts a picture on the vidscreen. It shows a dark corridor inside Moya with a shadowy figure just inside the vid recorder's view.

"Well, it's humanoid," Daniel points out.

Aeryn looks at him. "You mean Sebaceanoid."

"There's more humans here Aeryn, we're going with humanoid," Cam says.

"I'm not a human," Aeryn says.

"Well, I'm not a crustacean," Cam says.

"Sebacean."

"Whatever."

"Why can't we just be Nebari-oid?" Chiana puts in.

"'Cause that sounds dumb," Jool says. "Interionoid."

"Banikoid," Stark adds.

"Jaffa-oid," says Teal'c.

"What, you too Teal'c?" Cam asks.

"Indeed."

"Guys, focus," Daniel says. "Whatever kind of oid it is-"

"These are not the droids you are looking for," John says. He and Cam start cracking up and Teal'c does that little smile thing of his.

Daniel hangs his head.

"It's okay Daniel, I don't get it either," Vala says.

"Oh, I get it," Daniel says. "I just can't believe they're doing this right now."

Another breeze blows through Command. Cam and John immediately become silent. The lights flicker on, then back off again, and the ship moans.

"Pilot, is Moya okay?" Chiana asks. There is no reply. "Pilot?"

"Oh dren," Jool whispers shakily. Then louder, "Dren! What happened to Pilot!"

"Calm down, the comm system was probably affected when the lights went out," Daniel says.

The vidscreen goes dark when another breeze flutters by.

"The feeling!" Stark whispers dramatically.

"What you're feeling is an unnatural wind blowing around inside a _ship,"_ Cam says, looking around suspiciously.

"I'd like to know what's going on," Aeryn says.

" _I'd_ like to know who that was wandering around the corridors," Chiana says.

"Okay, we'll figure it out," John says. "Aeryn, you, Teal'c, and Cam go find out who's on our ship. Take Stark with you, maybe he can help."

"Right." Aeryn hands out guns to everyone.

"Daniel, Chiana, Vala, come with me. We're going to go see if Pilot knows anything about what's going on," John says. "Jool, you're on your own." 

"What!" Jool shrieks.

"Joking," John laughs.

"How can you even joke at a time like this!"

The two teams exit Command and go their separate ways. It's deathly quiet as John and the others cautiously make their way down the hall toward Pilot's den.

"Did you hear that?" Vala whispers.

"What?" Daniel whispers back.

"Shh! Listen."

Creak. Creak. _Creeaaak._

"What is it!" Jool says in a panicked whisper.

"It's probably nothing," John says uncertainly.

"Is it coming from behind us?" Chiana asks, throwing wide-eyed glances in every direction.

"I don't know, I can't tell!" Jool's hair is bright red with fear.

 _Creeeeak. Creeeeeak._

"Maybe we should run," Vala says.

"No, don't panic," Daniel says. "Just keep walking nice and calm."

 _Creeak. Creeeeak. Creeeeeeeak..._ _ **Snap!**_

They all jump as one when the lights flash on, momentarily blinding them.

"Frell this!" Jool takes off running.

"Wait, don't split up!" John calls after her.

" _Seeeend... meeeee."_

Vala is clinging onto Daniel's shirt and making it very difficult for him to walk. "Daniel! What was that!"

"Where'd that come from!" Chiana whispers, her voice shaky and her head whipping back and forth.

"Keep going," John says, trying not to flip out. He guides Chiana with a hand on her back.

They catch up to Jool, who is trying to get into Pilot's den but the door won't open. The lights flicker wildly and the ship seems to sway from side to side.

" _Seeeend meeeee...ooooveeerrr."_

They all turn, their backs pressed against the door. A dark wispy shadow jerks back and forth before them.

" _Seeeend meeeeee oooooveeerrrr!"_

"Oh dren!" Jool exclaims, pressing her head against Chiana's and closing her eyes. "This is it! It's been nice arguing with you."

They all flinch as the shadow zooms toward them, and then disappears. The lights go dark again but the deck is no longer swaying beneath them.

"See, it was nothing," John says, unclenching his fingers from Vala's jacket.

Jool stares uncomprehendingly at him. "The frelling ship is _haunted_!"

"There's probably a reasonable explanation," Daniel says, sounding like he's trying to convince himself as much as the others.

"Haunted!" Jool shouts in his face. She whirls around and opens the door.

They all enter Pilot's den.

"Hey Pilot, can you tell us what's going on?" John asks. "Creepy things are happening and we're kinda freaking out here."

Pilot is frantically pressing buttons. "You are not the only ones. Moya is terrified. All of her internal sensors are malfunctioning, and I've lost control of nearly every system."

"That's just great," John grumbles.

"It is most certainly not great, Commander, why would you even-" 

"I was being sarcastic, Pilot," John says.

"Oh. Apologies."

"Just keep trying. We're gonna go help the others look for this intruder," John says.

"I'm not going back out there!" Jool says.

"Fine. You stay here and make sure nothing happens to Pilot," John says. "Chiana, you stay with her."

Chiana doesn't complain for once. John, Daniel, and Vala head back out into the spooky dark corridors.

Meanwhile the other team hasn't accomplished anything during their search.

"So you can, like, sense this thing?" Cam asks Stark.

"Yes, I sense it, all around us," Stark replies.

Cam looks around, his gun ready. "I don't see anyone."

"It's here, it's- AAUH!" Stark dramatically spins and shoots his gun. Aeryn rolls to the side, narrowly avoiding getting shot square in the face. Teal'c and Cam turn and aim their guns, but nobody's there.

Aeryn grabs Stark by the collar and shoves him up against the bulkhead. "Are you _fahrbot_!" she yells. "You nearly blew my head off!"

"I heard something!" Stark exclaims.

"You've just lost your gun privileges." Aeryn takes Stark's gun and roughly pulls him away from the wall, forcing him forward. "Now tell us which way to go."

Before Stark has a chance to answer the ship jerks suddenly. The floor falls away from underneath them, then slams back up into their faces. Moya continues to violently thrash about, sending them rolling and tumbling every which way.

Teal'c slides across the floor, crashing into the wall. He holds up an arm to shield himself but it doesn't help much against the impact of Cam's body. Aeryn flips over and hits them upside down. Her boot collides with Teal'c's chin. Stark rams face first into the wall beside them.

In the next instant they are sent rolling to the other side of the hall. Cam manages to scramble out of Teal'c's way but ends up smacking heads with Stark instead. They don't get a chance to recover before the ship tips forward and they become a living tangled-up tumbleweed all the way to the end of the corridor, where they once again crash into a wall.

 _ **Elsewhere on Moya**_

"There! I saw it again!" Daniel says, pointing.

John and Vala follow him around a corner. Random objects are scattered all over the floor. There is no sign of the dark figure they were chasing.

"How'd all this stuff get in here?" Vala wonders. She holds up a pair of underwear with one finger.

John snatches them away. "Those are mine! I _told_ Aeryn to stop taking them for herself."

They pick their way through the messy corridor. When they round the corner they glimpse the shadow.

"It went in there!" Vala says.

The door to Command is opening and closing all on its own. They quickly jump through the malfunctioning door, which stays closed once they're inside.

"Where'd it go?" Daniel asks.

The shadow is nowhere to be seen. They all stumble as the ship suddenly jolts.

"Did we just starburst?" John says. He pokes at a console but it doesn't respond.

Then the ship stops moving and the vidscreen flashes, changing colors. The fire suppression activates and sprays them with water.

"Hoo mama! That's cold!" John exclaims.

The vidscreen goes completely dark. Nothing else happens.

"Well, at least we are finally in the shower together, Daniel," Vala says.

"Vala…" Daniel tries the door but it's locked shut. "Well, I hope the others are having better luck," he says.

Soaking wet and shivering as water continues to pour down from the ceiling, Vala says, "I'm sure they're having a better time than us."

 _ **A Random Corrider**_

Cam, Teal'c, Aeryn, and Stark smash into the bulkhead, as well as each other's rock-hard heads and bony elbows. Then, finally, the ship goes still. They all lie there, not moving.

"What was that all about," Cam groans, holding his bruised forehead.

"Moya must be losing control," replies Aeryn as she wipes at her bleeding nose and lip.

"Do you believe the presence could be causing these malfunctions?" Teal'c asks.

"I don't know," Stark replies.

"I do know one thing," Cam says, pushing himself up off the floor. "We are gonna be sore in the morning." 

"If we make it till morning," Teal'c says.

"Don't talk like that, Teal'c," Cam tells him. "How much worse can it get?" As soon as he says that he covers his mouth. 

"What?" Aeryn asks.

Cam holds one finger up, looking around as if expecting something. Then he says, "Whew! On TV whenever people say 'how much worse can it get' something really bad happens to them right after. But this is real life so-"

An explosion rocks the ship and they all go sprawling across the floor. The air starts filling with smoke.

"Fire!" Stark exclaims.

As they tumble uncontrollably through the moaning ship, Teal'c says, "It looks like you spoke too soon, Colonal Mitchell."

 _ **On Command**_

John, Daniel, and Vala can't get the door to budge. They keep trying because they are still being drenched in freezing water and they have nothing else to do.

" _Seeeend meeeee."_

They turn and see that the shadow is back. It floats right through a console and the vidscreen comes back to life. The dark figure points at the picture, which shows a small ship drifting lifeless in space.

" _Seeend meee oooveerrrr."_

Then it disappears into thin air.

"It's trying to tell us something about that ship," Daniel states the obvious.

"What does it mean by 'send me over' though?" Vala asks.

"Oh, looks like the comms are back up," John notices. He presses a button. "Hey Pilot, can you bring that ship out there into the cargo bay?"

"Yes, I believe I can, Commander," Pilot replies. "Deploying docking web now."

"Thanks Pilot." He calls Aeryn. "Yo, Aeryn, how you doin'?"

"Not good, John," Aeryn says with a grunt. "We have a fire down on tier six and the fire suppression systems are not responding."

"That's because they're all up here with us," Vala says, shaking her wet hair.

"We've got something," John says. "Meet us in the cargo bay.

A loud bang can be heard over the comm, followed by a muffled "Ow!"

"Okay, we'll try," Aeryn says.

"Let's go."

John, Vala, and Daniel are relieved when the door opens. They go down to the cargo bay and wait for the others.

"What's taking them so long?" Vala says.

Half an hour later the other team limps up. The shivering, dripping wet group stares at the bloody, bruised group.

"What happened to you?" Cam and Daniel say at the same time.

"You mean you guys weren't just being tossed around like a fruit salad?" Cam asks.

"No, we were too busy getting an ice cold shower," Daniel replies.

"Hmm."

"Anyway," John says. "We've brought a ship onboard. Let's go check it out." 

They pry open the hatch on top of the small ship. Inside is a skeleton. The shadow appears atop the skeleton, appearing to sit within it.

" _Seeeend meeee oooveerrrr_."

"It wishes to cross to the other side," Stark says.

The others make room for him to get closer. He raises one hand while the other lifts up the edge of the mask that covers half his face. The light spills out and the dark shadow slowly fades.

" _Thaaaank yoouuuu_."

"It is done," Stark says, replacing his mask.

"Well, if that's all," Cam says, rubbing his sore butt, "I need a nap."

"I need dry clothes," Vala says.

They all limp, stumble, or slip in puddles of water as they exit the cargo bay.


	6. A Welcome Guest

Cam paces back and forth through Command. "Are they back yet, Pilot?" he asks impatiently.

"As I just told you ten microts ago, no," Pilot responds.

Cam sighs obnoxiously, making sure Pilot hears him.

"It is important that Commander Crichton and the others obtain the parts needed to replace those lost in the explosion," Pilot tells him.

"Well, they sure are dragging their butts," Cam mutters.

Pilot tries to imagine that. "I sincerely doubt-" 

"It's been two weeks-"

"Two solar days, Colonal Mitchell."

"-and I just want to get a move on."

"Get a move on where?" Pilot asks.

"Just…you know, somewhere," Cam replies, sitting on the table. "It's kinda boring staying in one place doing nothing."

"I'm sorry, Colonal Mitchell, but we must wait," Pilot says.

"You can just call me Cam, you know." Cam is now lying on the table and hanging upside down over the edge.

Daniel, Teal'c, and Vala walk in from their exploration of Moya.

"Find anything interesting?" Cam asks.

"Not really," Vala answers.

Daniel goes up to the table Cam is hanging off of and sits in a chair like a normal person. "There's mostly just a bunch of empty cells," he says.

Teal'c joins them. "This _was_ a prison ship."

"There are these little thingies," Vala says, carrying one of the DRD's. She sets it on the table. "They're kinda interesting."

"Vala, let that thing go, it probably has a job to do," Daniel says.

"No, it's fine. It wants to stay here," Vala says. The DRD starts to roll away but Vala grabs it and forces it to stay.

Cam rolls so that he's laying on the table sideways, his chin in his hand. He lazily watches Vala's hostage twitch its eyestalks from side to side. He sighs overdramatically again. "I hope they get back soon."

 _ **Transport Pod**_

John and Aeryn are busy with the task of landing the transport pod inside the cargo bay when Jool and Chiana run in.

"No running in the cockpit!" John exclaims.

"But she stole my necklace!" Jool says, chasing Chiana.

"I did not!" Chiana says.

"Did too! Give it back!"

They circle around the cockpit.

"Guys, I mean it, stop running," John says again.

They ignore him. Jool catches up to Chiana and grabs her by the arm. She tries to spin her around but ends up accidentally flinging her into Aeryn's lap. Surprised, Aeryn jerks the controls and crashes into the deck of the cargo bay.

They all land on the floor in a pile. Stark tumbles in from where he was minding his own business in the back. The pod goes dead.

"Great, you broke the transport pod," John says, untangling himself from everyone.

"That was _her_ fault," Chiana says.

"Nuh-uh, you stole my necklace!" Jool argues.

"I did not! _You_ threw me onto Aeryn, that was _your_ fault!"

"Will you two _shut up!_ " John shouts, silencing them. "I'm sick and tired of all your fighting! Chiana, just give her necklace back."

Chiana does without a word.

John takes a deep breath. "See, all that was for nothing. Now let's get this stuff unloaded."

They open the ramp. John is about to comm Cam and the others but Aeryn grabs his arm.

"Wait, did you see that?" she whispers, going for her gun.

John takes hold of her hand before she can remove the weapon from its holster. "Aeryn, chill. It's probably just Cam or Vala playing a joke. C'mon." He leads her out into the cargo bay. "You can't scare us, we know you're in here," he calls out to the seemingly empty room.

Nothing happens for a second. Then a blonde lady comes out from behind a storage container. She runs up and hugs John and Aeryn.

"Cam! Vala! You're okay!" she exclaims happily.

Aeryn twists out of the strangers grasp. John gently pushes the lady away. "Sorry, you've got the wrong people," he says. "My name's John Crichton and this is Aeryn."

Carter stares at him for a second and then smiles. "Stop messing around, Cam. Do you know how long it took to get enough power for the gate again? Are Daniel and Teal'c okay?"

"I'm serious, I'm not Cam," John tells her again. He calls Cam. "Yo, we're back. I think you should all come to the cargo bay."

"On our way," Cam replies.

"I don't understand, how can you not be Cam?" Carter asks, studying John's face.

John shrugs. "I just happen to look like him."

"Who's this?" Jool approaches Carter and sniffs her. Carter eyes the alien curiously.

"Jool, don't sniff people, it's weird," John tells her.

Then Cam, Vala, Daniel, and Teal'c arrive. Carter runs to give them all hugs.

"They are just as weird," Aeryn whispers to John, watching the group of humans embrace and pat each other on the backs.

"That's called a _hug_ , Aeryn. That's _normal_ ," John whispers back. "This is not."

John gestures toward where Chiana decides Stark is standing too close inside her personal space bubble. She nips at his face. Stark yelps and scurries away.

"That's _weird_ ," John repeats.

"So where are we?" Carter asks.

"That's a long story," Daniel says. "Come on, we'll tell you all about it."

"Did you come here alone?" Cam asks as they head out of the cargo bay.

"No, I sent the team to search the area," Carter replies.

"Good thing those trigger-happy lunatics weren't out and about," John says, jerking a thumb back toward his friends as he follows SG-1 out of the cargo bay.

Jool starts to leave too but Aeryn grabs the back of her collar. Jool hisses.

" _We_ are staying to unload the pod," Aeryn says.

"Did you hear that? He called us lunatics," Chiana says. "What's a lunatic?"

"I don't know but he calls me that all the time," Stark says.

Cam and the others explain to Carter all that had happened to them the past week and a half.

"So Ba'al and this Scorpius guy have the DHD?" Carter asks.

"Yeah, that's why we didn't come back," Daniel says.

You guys gonna go back now?" John asks.

"You're welcome to come with us," Cam says.

"I'd love to…but…" John seems very hesitant. "I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about what would happen if Scorpy got his hands on the Stargate. Especially with Ba'al there to lead him right to Earth."

"Yes, it would be unwise to allow Ba'al to continue working alongside Scorpius," Teal'c says.

"So…we're staying here?" Vala asks.

"I think we all agree that would be best," Cam says.

"Can we at least stop by Earth for a visit though?" John asks.

"Sure, if you don't mind waiting a couple days to come back," Carter says. "The stargate blew out all the power last time. They think they can activate it once more this time. It should be opening in," she checks her watch, "forty-five minutes."

"A couple days on Earth sounds great," John says.

"Let's go wait in the cargo bay so we don't miss it," Cam suggests.

"It's nice to be able to hang out with normal people after all this time," John says as they walk through Moya.

"That depends on your definition of normal…" Daniel says.

"Yeah, Daniel's a little bit wonko, don't you think?" Vala says.

"I was talking about you, Vala," Daniel says.

The others are unloading the last of the new parts when they arrive in the cargo bay.

"Hey guys, I got some news," John says to get their attention. "I'm going through the stargate with them but we'll be back in a couple days."

"You have a chance to go home but you're going to come back?" Aeryn asks, surprised.

"Yeah, I'm not leaving you guys with Scorpy chasing you. It's kinda my fault he's after us anyway," John says. "Hey, I know! Come with me, Aeryn!"

"Really? Are you sure?" Aeryn asks uncertainly.

"Yeah, come on baby, it'll be fun."

"Well, okay," Aeryn agrees.

"Hey, why does she get to go?" Jool says. "I wanna come!"

"Me too!"

"And me!"

Jool, Chiana, and Stark crowd around John.

"Woah, hey, you can't all go," John says,

"Why not!" Jool whines.

"Well, first off princess, you have a weird head. You'd attract way too much attention," he tells her.

"I do not have a weird head," she pouts.

"I can go, I look human," Chiana says hopefully.

"Sorry Pip, humans don't come in grey."

Chiana hangs her head.

"I promise to bring you back some pizza and ice cream. You'll love it," John says.

"Okay."

"What are you gonna bring back for me?" Jool asks.

"Tic tacs," John replies.

"Ooooh."

"I can go, can't I?" Stark looks at John with puppy dog eyes. (Well, eye.)

"You _could_ pass as human, so I guess," John says. "Just don't ever remove your mask."

Stark nods, smiling.

John turns to Jool and Chiana. "Okay you two, it's up to you to help repair Moya and fix the transport pod _you_ broke," he says. "And remember, Pilot's in charge. You listen to him."

They both nod. The wormhole activates.

"See you in a few days," John says to them. Then he, Aeryn, and Stark follow SG-1 and the random security team through the stargate.


	7. Just A Visit

"Listen, you guys, there is gonna be some rules while we're here on Earth," John says as they walk through the halls of Stargate Command. He starts listing them on his fingers. "One, no wandering off on your own. Two, always listen to me. Three, no affectionately rubbing your head on people, it's creepy. Four, no biting. Got it?"

Aeryn nods. Stark is mumbling while trying to count on his fingers.

"Stark?"

"Oh, yes. Got it," Stark says quickly.

"Here we are," says Cam, leading the group into the mess hall.

A few minutes later John is wolfing down a lunch of hot dogs, macaroni, and baked beans, with jell-o for dessert of course.

"Save room for dinner tonight," Cam says.

"Oh, I'll have room," John assures him.

He and Cam strike up a conversation about test piloting. Daniel and Carter are discussing ways to get the stargate on Moya working, and Vala is seeing how many pieces of corn she can steal off Teal'c's plate without him noticing. Teal'c is pretending not to notice.

Aeryn and Stark sit there feeling kind of awkward. Stark affectionately rubs his head against Aeryn's shoulder. Aeryn goes to bite him.

"Ah, ah, that was two rules you just broke," John says warningly. "Don't make me regret letting you two come along."

Once they're done lunch Cam takes John, Aeryn, and Stark to his quarters. Daniel tries to scrape Vala off on them but she insists he take her clothes shopping. He convinces her to go with Carter instead. Finally he can get a moments peace at the library.

"A Nintendo!" John says excitedly.

"Who wants to play Mario Kart!" Cam says, just as excited.

Aeryn and Stark are a tiny bit disturbed at their excitedness.

Cam and John are very competitive against each other (because there's not much more competition). They take turns winning races. Stark looks to be in deep thought as he runs into a wall the entire time. Aeryn can't seem to do anything but drive around in circles.

John notices that she's starting to get frustrated so he suggests they play Mario Party next. Cam wins, John comes in third because he'd decided to help Aeryn out so she could win second. Stark loses but he's so overjoyed he got a star that he doesn't care.

They're in the middle of the four-player minigames on Banjo-Tooie when Daniel comes knocking on the door.

"Hey Jackson. Is it almost dinner time?" Cam asks.

"Yeah," Daniel replies. He watches Cam and John's dramatic shooting war in the temple shoot-out minigame while Aeryn sneaks up on them and kills them both. Stark is running into a wall and keeps accidentally blowing himself up with grenade eggs but he's loving every second of it.

"So you finally get to come home and you spend the whole day playing video games?" Daniel asks.

"Yup," John says.

 _ **On Moya**_

Jool and Chiana are trying to repair the damaged section of Moya.

"Jool, you're doing it wrong!" Chiana says. "We're supposed to be fixing the ship, not making it worse."

Jool shrieks as the piece of bulkhead she was trying to weld back on nearly falls on her head. "I'm trying!"

They manage to get one tiny little insignificant fraction of the work done.

"Woo! I'm tired, how about we take a break," Jool says.

Chiana rests against the wall. "There's so much we have to do though, we'll never fix it all before they get back."

"We have two solar days, how hard can it be?" Jool says.

"Wait, shh, do you hear that?" Chiana whispers.

"What, I-"

"Shh!"

Jool listens. Footsteps echo in the corridor, moving closer. "Who's here!?" she whispers nervously.

"Quick, hide!" Chiana says.

"Where!?"

Chiana panics and bursts through the messy welding job they'd done to hide in the bulkhead. Jool squeezes in after her. Chiana moves the broken piece in front of the obvious hole.

They hold their breath as the two intruders walk by their hiding place. Chiana watches through a tiny slit.

When the danger is out of earshot, Chiana whispers, "Dren, that was Scorpius and Ba'al. We can't let them take over Moya."

"How?" asks Jool.

"We'll set some traps," Chiana says. "Let's call Pilot."

 _ **In the Corridors**_

"It appears nobody is here," Scorpius says, roaming the silent, empty halls of Moya.

"That will make it easier to take control of the ship," Ba'al says.

"We can never be too sure though," Scorpius says suspiciously. "John and his gang of escaped prisoners are tricky."

"Especially with SG-1 along to help," Ba'al adds.

They search the large ship for another arn to make certain it is empty. Then they head for Command.

"So all we have to do is fly this Leviathan back to the Command Carrier and take the Stargate for ourselves?" Ba'al asks.

"Yes, though we might have to persuade the Pilot to hand over control," Scorpius says.

When Scorpius activates the door control it explodes, sending him and Ba'al flying backward.

"What the frell," Scorpius growls, getting up.

The small explosion did no more damage than frying the door control, but Scorpius can't get the door open. "Auurrgh!" he roars. "We need to go to the Pilot's den sooner rather than later."

He leads the way. They don't even get around the corner when another small explosion causes the ceiling to cave in right in front of them.

"What is wrong with this ship!" Ba'al exclaims in frustration.

They try to dig through it but soon give up. 

"Looks like we're taking the long way," Scorpius grumbles.

 _ **Maintenance Tunnels**_

"So far, so good," Chiana whispers as they watch Scorpius and Ba'al try to make their way through the ship.

Ba'al doesn't notice the obvious trap right in front of him. He steps into the circle of rope, which tightens around his leg and snaps him up into the air. After only a couple microts of swinging upside down by his ankle the ceiling buckles and drops him to the floor.

"Well, that didn't hold," Jool says quietly.

They hear Scorpius say, "We're not alone in this ship."

"He knows we're here," Jool says with rising panic.

"Don't freak," Chiana says. "They won't find us if we stay hidden."

They spy on Scorpius and Ba'al as they travel through Moya. The two villains encounter many traps, including a web made of active electrical cables, motion sensor explosives, caved-in secions, DRD's with lasers, collapsing floors, and trip wires that set off guns.

After an incident with a flame thrower they arrive at their destination.

"They survived all the way to Pilot's den!" Jool says frantically.

"They…they won't get to Pilot," Chiana says, sounding unsure.

"Pilot!" Scorpius shouts across the cavernous den. "You will hand control over to us now!"

Pilot lifts all his arms in the air when he sees two guns pointed at him. Scorpius and Ba'al start across the catwalk, keeping their weapons trained on Pilot. In the middle a bomb goes off underneath and the walkway crumbles.

Scorpius and Ba'al fall TO THEIR DEATHS! Kidding, they land in the lake of Hodian trill-bat dren that covers the basement of Pilot's den.

"Yeah!" Chiana and Jool exclaim in celebration.

Scorpius and Ba'al escape the dren-lake through a hatchway that eventually leads them back to the cargo bay they started in.

"RAAUGH!" Scorpius growls.

Ba'al is trying to rub off the dren, which leaves a purple tint in his skin.

"Venting atmosphere in cargo bay one," Pilot announces over the shipwide comm.

"Quick! Get in the marauder!" Scorpius yells over the escaping atmosphere.

"I'm driving!" Ba'al calls back, trying to beat Scorpius to the ship.

"What, you want to do this _now_!" Scorpius says as they scramble to safety.

The cargo bay doors open all the way. The marauder, the damaged transport pod, and half the new spare parts they'd just gotten are blown out into space.

The bay doors close and Pilot initiates Starburst before the marauder can steady itself. Jool and Chiana crawl out of the maintenance tunnels into the broken, destroyed corridors of the ship. They stare at each other wide-eyed.

"Crichton's gonna be mad," Jool whispers.

 _ **Day Two on Earth**_

On his last day before returning to Moya John decides to visit his dad. He invites Cam with plans to go to a plane and spaceship museum thing. Not wanting Aeryn and Stark in a museum, John decides to leave them behind. Daniel gets stuck with them on a food shopping trip.

"Don't forget the pizza and ice cream!" John calls as he and Cam are walking out the door. "And tic tacs! But no crackers, I'm so done with crackers."

"John, that was like two cycles ago," Aeryn says.

"Yeah, and I'm still finding them in places they shouldn't be," John says.

Aeryn shrugs as she pulls a cracker out of her shirt and eats it.

"Okaaaay," Daniel claps his hands together. "Ready to go?" He's trying to push a non-cooperative Aeryn and Stark out the door. "Hurry, before-"

"Wait for me!"

"Vala," Daniel groans. "Don't you have something else to do?"

"No, Daniel, I have to make sure you get some good stuff," Vala says, shoving herself out the door with them.

After a hectic car ride (for poor Daniel anyway) they arrive at the store.

"You can push the cart," Daniel says to Stark.

Stark pushes the cart as hard as he can. It flies across the store until it crashes into a banana stand. Daniel stares disbelievingly for a second.

"That's…not how you do it," Daniel says, walking over to retrieve the cart and trying to avoid all the stares from random shoppers.

"It's not?" Stark asks innocently. Daniel shows him. "Aaah…"

Stark is in deep concentration as he follows Daniel around the store, pushing the cart. Vala is standing on the back of the cart (even though Daniel told her not to do that).

Daniel finds his hands full with making sure Stark doesn't run people over, removing half the stuff Vala adds to the cart, and occupying Aeryn, who continuously shoves random items in his face and demands he tell her what they are. Quite forcefully. He's had to retrieve his glasses from the floor a couple times.

"Don't forget the pee-sauce and eyes green," Stark says.

"What are you talking about," Daniel says, confused. "Oh, you mean pizza and ice cream. Where did you even get…nevermind."

Finally they get done at the store. They go back to the base where Daniel rubs the three of them off on Teal'c, who takes them to the gym to play basketball.

As Daniel is storing food in the fridge he finds things in the shopping bags that he failed to notice while at the store, including a lightbulb, drain-cleaning fluid, at least three clothes hangars without clothes, a do-it-yourself pool patch and repair kit, and a disturbingly large amount of unnecessary door handles. Daniel sighs.

Later that evening everyone meets in the gate room for the return trip.

"Ready to dive back into the chaos?" John asks.

"I think wherever we are there will be chaos," Daniel says, rubbing his eyes.

They all say bye to Carter, who decided to stay behind. Then they step through the Stargate into an emptier than usual cargo bay.

"Where's the transport pod," Aeryn says.

John activates his comm. "Jool, Chiana? We're back."

"Huh? Oh, hey." Chiana sounds like she just woke up. "We'll be down in a microt."

When Jool and Chiana arrive they head right for the cart of new food. "What'd you get?" Jool asks, rummaging through the stuff.

"Later Princess," John says, grabbing her arm and making her face him. "Where's the transport pod?"

Jool looks at Chiana, then back at John. "In space?"

"What do you mean, in space?" Aeryn says, joining the interrogation.

Chiana and Jool both start talking at once.

"Guys, guys! Slow down," John interrupts. "One at a time. Where is it?"

"We had to leave it behind 'cause Scorpius and Ba'al-"

"Scorpius and Ba'al were here!?"

"Yeah."

They explain how the pod was blown out of Moya alongside the marauder, then left behind when they starburst away. They leave out all that happened before that.

"I guess you had no other choice," Aeryn says.

"Oh well, we have more transport pods," John says. "No big deal." He walks out of the cargo bay. Jool and Chiana stand there, staring at each other.

"What have you done to Moya!" John's shout comes in from the hallway.

"I don't know why we thought he wouldn't notice," Chiana says as they reluctantly walk out into the corridor.

"First," John says. "You are gonna explain this to me." He makes a wide gesture with his arms at the broken, crumbling, burnt, caved-in, and otherwise damaged corridor. "Then you two are gonna fix it!"

Jool and Chiana groan.


	8. Puzzled

"Hey, look what I got!" Chiana says excitedly as she leaps off the pod.

"Ooooh," Vala says, rushing over to see. She grabs for it but Chiana hisses playfully and pulls it away. "A book?" Vala guesses.

"What's a book?" Chiana dances in a circle to keep it out of Vala's reach.

"Food?" Vala tries again.

"No, a game!" Chiana announces.

John and Cam stroll across the cargo bay to meet them. "Finally something to entertain us," Cam says.

"Are you saying you've been bored all this time?" John asks.

"Well no, but I mean entertainment that is not a danger to all of our lives," Cam says.

"Oh yeah, we could use some of that," John agrees.

"Who wants to play!" Chiana shouts with excessive loudness.

"Me!" Vala exclaims while chasing Chiana around the cargo bay.

"Maybe settle down so we can actually play," Daniel suggests. He tries to catch one of them but fails. "Stop running around like crazy before somebody gets hurt."

"Nobody's gonna get hurt, Daniel," Vala says. She collides with Aeryn. "Ow."

"I told you…"

They go to the recreation room. Cam gets a closer look at the box when Chiana sets it on the table.

"Woah, that looks familiar," he says suspiciously. "I ain't getting into no game of Jumanji."

"It's called Slinspa, not Jahmoozi," Jool informs him.

"Jumanji," John corrects. "You know of this game, princess?"

"No, I read the box," Jool says.

"Okay, what are the rules?" Cam asks.

Jool peers at the box. "I don't see any rules."

She goes to open it. John stops her by grabbing her hands. "You sure about this?"

"Geez, what do you guys think is gonna happen?" Chiana asks. Before anyone can stop her she whips the lid off the box…

…And suddenly they are somewhere else.

"This! _This_ is what we thought was gonna happen!" Cam says.

They are in a circular room with three hallways. The walls seem to be made of white light. Aeryn flips out and shoots at the light-walls. Everyone screams and ducks as the shots bounce off the walls and ricochet around the room.

"Aeryn, what the heck are you shootin' at!" John says, grabbing her arms. "Put that away before you kill someone."

Vala, Teal'c, and Daniel are closely scrutinizing the bright walls. "Don't touch the light!" Stark warns.

Vala pokes the light. It zaps her and sends her flying into Cam and Jool. They tumble to the floor. Stark leans down toward Vala and dramatically whispers, "I told you not to touch that."

"You been here before?" Cam asks as he helps Vala and Jool up.

"No," Stark replies. "I feel the souls of the dead…in there." He points at the white light.

"Dead?!" Vala exclaims.

"Maybe you should listen when people tell you not to touch stuff," Daniel says.

Vala sticks her tongue out at him.

"Very mature, Vala."

Aeryn, Chiana, and Jool start to venture down one of the three hallways.

"Woah woah woah." Cam drags them back. "Aren't you concerned about all this?"

"The first thing I did when we got here was be concerned," Aeryn says.

"It's just a game," Chiana tells them.

John steps up. "Are you absolutely _sure_ it's just a game?" he asks.

"Well, yeah," she says. "At least I think so. What else could it be?"

Cam groans.

"Chiana, where did you get it?" John asks slowly.

Chiana avoids eye contact. "I was just shop…" John gives her a look. "…lifting."

"You stole it." John rubs his face. "Aeryn."

"What."

"You didn't see her stealing while you two were on the planet?" John asks.

Chiana cuts in. "Don't blame her, she got in-" Aeryn is making slashing motions across her throat. "-she was busy…" 

"Doing what." John taps his foot.

Chiana makes sure Cam is between her and Aeryn. "Fighting."

"You got in a fight? _Again_ , Aeryn!?" John says. "Geez, I can't let you guys go anywhere." He turns to SG-1. "Do you guys ever have these problems?"

"Actually yeess…" Daniel turns to look at Vala. Vala isn't there. "Oh god."

"Always at the most inconvenient times," Teal'c says.

"Vala!" Daniel shouts. "Vala, get your butt back here!"

"Only my butt, Daniel?" Vala calls back.

"Vala, this is not funny, come here _now_ ," Daniel orders.

There is no answer. Daniel starts running down the hall. John's right behind him saying, "We shouldn't split up!"

Cam is trying to follow while dragging the uncooperative Chiana, Jool, and Aeryn by their shirts. Stark babbles along behind with Teal'c, who is not listening.

Daniel ungracefully skids around the corner into a normal looking room. John rams into him. Then Cam steam rolls them over onto the ground, dragging the girls down with him. Teal'c and Stark make a slightly more civilized entrance. But only slightly.

Vala is standing in the middle of the room staring at a big diamond sitting on a table. Daniel removes himself from the bottom of the pile with great effort. "Vala, don't you dare-" Vala picks up the diamond. "-touch that…"

The room starts flashing red and a robotic voice says, "Warning! Warning!" 

"Put it back," says Daniel. He reaches toward the diamond.

Vala jerks it away and a laser shoots out of the corner and misses her head by a centimeter. It burns a hole through the wall behind her. Jool screams. Vala yelps in surprise, freezing in place.

"Just…just put it back," Daniel says. "Nice and slow."

Vala slowly lowers the diamond toward its stand on the table. Really slow. Really, reeeaally slow. The slightest move can be deadly. Cam sneezes. Vala jumps and the diamond topples out of her hand and onto the floor.

Lasers start shooting. Teal'c and Aeryn flip the table and they all huddle behind it. Jool's screaming. Aeryn's shooting back at the lasers. Cam and John are shouting. Chaos.

"-back through the door!"

"Go! _GO_!"

"That way, that way, go!"

"Move it, Jool!"

"Jackson, come on!"

They all manage to escape the laser room unhurt.

"You," Cam pants, pointing at Vala. "Do not touch anything else."

 _ **Moya**_

Scorpius and Ba'al cautiously walk through Moya's corridors.

"Pilot," Scorpius says over the comm.

"Scorpius!" Pilot says, surprised. "I don't know how you keep sneaking on board but I wish you would stop."

"No. Where is John Crichton?"

"I am uncertain at this moment," Pilot replies.

"They are on the ship, aren't they?" Ba'al asks.

"Yes," Pilot lies. He actually doesn't know where everyone is right now.

"Tell us where they are," Ba'al demands.

"I…can't," Pilot says.

"Why not," Scorpius growls.

"We were, uh, playing a human game, um, creep-and-seek?" Pilot improvises. "I took the internal sensors offline."

"Then get them back online," Ba'al orders.

"I can't for a couple of arns," Pilot says.

Ba'al slams his fist down on the table. A box catches his attention. "What's that?"

Scorpius glares at the box. "Probably some kind of trap," he says, remembering last time.

"Right, we shouldn't touch it," Ba'al agrees.

Moya rolls suddenly, causing the box to fly off the table. It falls open and Scorpius and Ba'al are no longer on Moya.

"Well, look who it is," John says.

"What sort of trick is this," Scorpius says. "I demand you release us."

"We did not mean to do this, believe me," John says. "We're just as stuck as you are."

Scorpius and Ba'al reach for their weapons.

"Woah-oh-hey!" Cam shouts, startling everyone. "No guns! No. Guns. Bad idea."

Scorpius growls but stops and looks around. "He's right. Pulse fire will bounce off these walls if we miss and possibly hit us instead. I'm surprised you were smart enough to figure that out."

"Oh, we learned the hard way," Cam responds.

"And some of us never learn," John grunts, wrestling Aeryns gun away.

Scorpius growls and takes a step toward them. Chiana squeals at him and tosses her head.

"Let's try communicating using _words_ ," Daniel suggests.

"Where are we?" Ba'al asks.

"We do not know," Teal'c answers.

"This was all an accident," John says. "When we get out of here we are throwing that box off the ship along with you two."

"Until then we should work together instead of trying to kill one another," Cam says.

"Who's trying to kill anybody?" Ba'al says, sneaking his knife back where it belongs.

"Fine, we work together," Scorpius says.

"To do what?" Jool asks.

"Escape," John replies.

"How?"

"We're trying to figure that out, haven't you been listening?" Cam says.

"The hallway to the laser room disappeared," Stark randomly points out.

"That's a start," Cam says.

"Maybe there is a puzzle at the end of each hallway that we must complete to be set free," Teal'c says.

"Or all the hallways just disappear and we get stuck in this room for all eternity," Scorpius says.

"That is _not_ the spirit, Mr Pessimistic," John says, overdramatically clapping Scorpius on the shoulder.

They go down another hallway. It leads to another normal looking room but this one is empty. The door closes behind them. Nothing happens.

"Well, that plan didn't work," Ba'al says accusingly.

"Then what's _your_ plan," Vala says.

Ba'al glares. They all stand there in the empty room.

"Maybe we're supposed to do something," Chiana says.

Daniel looks around. "Like what?"

"Maybe we can use your oculars to see things that are invisible." Chiana snatches Daniel's glasses from his face and puts them on herself.

Daniel quickly grabs them back. "They're called glasses, and if they were even capable of that don't you think I would've done it already?"

Chiana blinks at him and rubs her eyes. Teal'c examines the walls. Jool studies the floor. Aeryn peers at the ceiling. Scorpius and Ba'al stand in the middle of the room.

"You guys gonna help or what?" Cam asks as he inspects a corner.

Scorpius growls and bares his teeth. Ba'al glares. (He loves to do that, have you noticed)

Stark opens the door. Everyone stops their close scrutiny of the room and stares. "It wasn't locked," Stark says.

"That's it?" John asks.

They go back down the hallway and it disappears.

"Only one more left," Jool says.

At the end of the last hallway is a big giant open space.

"Maybe we have to cross it?" Vala says.

"I can't even see the other side," Cam says.

"I bet Daniel can, his oculars-" 

"Glasses," Daniel says, fending off Chiana's hands grabbing for his face. "And they don't have any magical powers."

"We better get started then," John says.

They start to walk. And walk. And walk. Nothing's happening.

"Look!" Chiana says, breaking the long, boring silence. She holds up a pair of glasses to her face. "Now I have oculars too."

"Glasses," Daniel corrects her for the third time. "What are oculars?"

"Like futuristic high-tech binoculars," John tells him. "Pip, where did you get those anyway?"

"I don't know, they just appeared in my hand," Chiana says, removing the glasses and rubbing at her eyes again.

"They just appeared?" Cam asks disbelievingly. He holds out his hand and a punching balloon appears. "Woah."

Jool eyes the balloon suspiciously. "What is _that_?"

"Watch." Cam grabs the rubber band and punches the balloon toward her. Jool yelps and jumps away.

"And how is that going to help us escape?" Scorpius asks, squinting at the balloon distrustfully.

"It's not," Cam says. He casually tosses the balloon away behind him. It bounces on Stark's head. He backs away from it nervously. Aeryn jumps in front of him and shoots the balloon, which pops. Jool screams.

"Geez you guys, it was just a balloon, it wasn't gonna kill you," John says. "And you wonder why I didn't take you all to Earth."

"Maybe we can make something appear that will get us out," Daniel says.

"Hmm." Aeryn thinks. A giant gun appears beside her. She shoots it out into the open space. Nothing happens.

"I don't know what it could possibly be that we're supposed to make appear to help us," Ba'al says.

A light saber appears in Teal'c's hand. He does some moves with it and slashes at the ground. Except for a mark on the ground, nothing happens.

Oculars appear in Jool's hand. She looks through them but can't see an exit. Or anything at all, for that matter.

A compass appears in Daniel's hand but all the needle does is spin nonstop.

"Good try," Cam says.

They keep thinking up things that might help them but all their ideas fail. A Batman costume appears on John. "I'm Batman," he says in his deepest voice.

A Robin costume appears on Cam. They are cracking up at themselves. Aeryn and Stark give them funny looks and keep their distance from those fahrbot creeps. Some chocolate appears in Vala's hand and she eats it.

"You are not even trying anymore," Scorpius says.

A baseball cap appears on Scorpius' head. "Lighten up, grasshopper," John says. "Have some fun while we're stuck here. It's not like we're gonna starve to death or anything."

John offers him a donut. Scorpius takes the donut between his finger and thumb and sniffs at it.

Suddenly a giant vacuum cleaner appears behind them threatening to suck them all up. Jool shrieks in terror and they all run. It chases after them.

"Okay, who thought up the giant vacuum cleaner?" Daniel exclaims over the loud vacuum cleaner noise.

"Sorry!" Vala confesses.

" _Why_?!" Daniel asks.

"I didn't mean to!" Vala replies.

"One time she got her hair stuck in the vacuum cleaner," Cam says.

"Cam! You promised not to tell anyone about that!" Vala shouts.

"Why were you even thinking about that right now!?" Daniel wonders.

"Unimagine it!" Jool screams.

Vala tries. "It's not working!"

"Then imagine something that will stop it!" Chiana says.

"Budong!" Stark shouts.

A miniature budong (which is still unimaginably giant) appears and eats the vacuum cleaner. Then it starts chasing them.

"Darn it, Stark, what the _heck_ is _that_!" Cam yells.

"Worse than a giant vacuum cleaner, that's what," John says. "Thanks, Stark." 

"You're welcome."

"We can't outrun a budong!" Aeryn says.

Suddenly they are in a fast ship flying ahead of the budong. Ba'al stares wide-eyed out the window as the huge monster's teeth are coming at them. "We need to go faster!"

Rocket boosters appear on the back of the ship but the budong still gets closer.

"Stark! Imagine that it's dead!" Daniel says.

Stark imagines. The budong dies. They all sigh in relief.

"That all did not need to happen," Cam says as they land the ship and get out. Still in the middle of nowhere with no exit in sight.

"Can't we just imagine that we're back on Moya?" Jool asks.

They try. It doesn't work.

"We should imagine a door that leads out of here," Teal'c says.

A door appears. Teal'c opens it and they go through back into the rec room on Moya. They quickly restrain Scorpius and Ba'al and throw them back into their marauder all tied up.

"Play nice now," John says, tossing the game box in with them. It lands open as John shuts the hatch and the two villains get pulled back into the game. Moya drops the marauder and starbursts away.

The crew is lounging around in the rec room. "No more stealing weird things you know nothing about and bringing them on board." John points at Chiana.

Chiana laughs and nips at his finger. "But it's fun."

"It's dangerous."

"Well now I'm bored," Chiana says.

"Me too," says Vala.

"We could play a normal, non-dangerous game," Cam says.

"Creep-and-seek?" Pilot suggests.

"Hide-and-seek, Pilot," John says.

"Ooh, I like that one," Chiana says. "I get to be the creeper!"

"You are all the creepers," Pilot says. "And I'm the one that finds you."

"Hide-and-seek," John repeats.

"Only one DRD this time, no cheating, Pilot," Jool says.

"Fine," Pilot says.

The aliens all rush off to scatter around the ship.

"Creep-and-seek?" Daniel asks as the humans and Teal'c walk out more slowly.

"I tried to teach them hide-and-seek and this is what they got from it," John explains. "You know how well they listen."

They pass by where Stark is trying to shove into the maintenance tunnel beside Aeryn. Aeryn pushes him back out. "Go find your own creeping spot."

"Eh, whatever, it's kinda fun," John says. He starts running down the hall. "See you creeping around!"

The members of SG-1 stare at each other for a second and then take off in opposite directions to avoid detection by Pilot's DRD.


	9. It's Halloween!

Everyone's chilling on command when Pilot announces, "A ship is approaching."

"Please tell me it's not hostile," John groans.

"It is Sikozu," Pilot says. "She wishes to board."

"Oh, okay," John says lamely.

Nobody moves from their various lounging places around the room. Sikozu walks in on the lazy scene. She stares at them expectantly. "Well?"

"Well what?" Cam asks.

"I don't know, I thought you'd at least say hi to me," Sikozu says.

"Hi," says Cam.

"Yo Sputnik," John says.

Sikozu looks back and forth between John and Cam. "Did you get cloned _again_?"

"Nah." John introduces Sikozu to the SG-1 team.

"So what are we doing today?" she asks.

"Just laying around," Chiana says from where she's sprawled across a console. Sikozu plops down on the floor next to a wall to join in on the oh-so-fun activity.

Pilot interrupts the silence once again. "The Stargate is activating. It is Samantha Carter."

Everyone jumps up and there is a lot of excited shouting and running as they stampede over Sikozu on their way out. "Well then!" Sikozu huffs from her undignified trampled position on the ground.

In the cargo bay Carter finds herself swamped with attention.

"How's it going on Earth?"

"What's the occasion for this visit?"

"Did you bring me anything?"

"Okay, okay," Carter laughs. "I did bring a message from John's dad."

"What?" John asks excitedly.

"He's throwing a Halloween party and you're all invited," Carter says.

"We are so going," John says with enthusiasm.

"Haw-low-een?" Stark asks curiously.

"Yeah, it's an earth holiday where you dress up and get candy," Cam explains.

"Candy?" Aeryn asks.

"Yah, candy. Chocolate. Sugar. Stuff you guys really don't need," John says. "When can we leave?"

"As soon as we get this set up," Carter says, pointing to some equipment stuff. "It'll let you activate the Stargate from this side."

Great," Daniel says. They get to work assembling it. After a while Daniel announces that it's ready.

"Okay you guys," John says to his friends. "You can all come this time 'cause it's Halloween and we can get away with it. But you have to _behave_. Got it?"

The aliens all nod, trying to look like perfect little angels. Which is really hard to believe since Chiana's hands are busy searching Carter's pockets.

"Pip, that ain't yours, quit it," John scolds.

They go through the gate. When they are on their way out of Stargate Command someone jumps out of the bushes and pinches Daniel. "Boo!"

"Aah!" Daniel yells, jumping.

Ha ha! I got you good, Danny boy!" Jack is cracking up.

"Jack!" Daniel tries to act mad but Jack is laughing so hard at himself that Daniel starts to think it's funny too. It turns into an uncontrollable laughing fit.

Meanwhile, John and Cam are rounding up the spooked aliens. "Guys, guys, it's fine. It's called a practical joke."

"It isn't practical to jump out at people and yell poo," Jool says.

Cam snorts, trying not to laugh. "Boo," he corrects her.

"It's a good way to get shot," Aeryn says.

" _That's_ why we left our guns on Moya," John says.

When they finally get to John's dad's house John introduces his friends to Jack Crichton.

"It'll be great to have you home for a while, son," Jack Crichton says.

"We'll see if you're still saying that after a couple days of this," John says as he unleashes the aliens into the unsuspecting house. He tries not to watch as they immediately start getting into everything. He follows his dad upstairs.

Stark bounds out of the bathroom with a pile of foam in each hand. "Look! Look!" he calls out excitedly.

"What is it?" Jool asks curiously, dragging her attention away from the strange box with buttons on it.

Aeryn drops the CD she'd been carrying around (which already has a new crack in it) to scoop one of the piles into her own hand.

Chiana reaches her head forward and takes half of Stark's remaining pile into her mouth. Daniel has the unfortunate luck to witness this.

"No, don't eat that!" Daniel says. Stark, not paying any attention to Daniel, is licking it off his hands. Daniel grabs his wrists and pulls them away. "Stop, you don't eat hand soap."

Aeryn claps her hands together, sending the foam flinging onto Daniel's face. He sighs.

Jack walks up. "Having fun?" He swipes some foam from Daniel's cheek and sticks it in his mouth. He immediately spits it out. "Yuck. What are you doing throwing hand soap around, Daniel?"

"What? Jack, I didn't-"

But Jack's not listening. "You don't know how to do it," he says, leading the curious group into the kitchen. "Let me show you how it's done."

Upstairs, John, Cam, Carter, and Teal'c are helping Jack Crichton get Halloween decorations out of the attic when they hear the commotion going on beneath them. The whole house shakes with stampeding feet and is filled with screaming and laughter.

"What is that?" John's dad wonders.

"You might want to get used to that," John tells him. "It's when the house goes silent that you really have to worry."

Cam gives John a look. "Yeah? And when is _this_ house gonna go silent with them around?"

"When they escape and go terrorizing people on the streets," John says.

"Yes, that is something which we must prevent from happening," Teal'c says, bringing the last of the boxes down the attic ladder.

"Let's take this stuff downstairs and hope it's not too bad down there," Cam says.

At the bottom of the stairs Carter slips and falls on her butt. "Ow."

"Careful," Cam says to the others as he steps around the fallen Carter. "There's something on the floor here."

There is white foam everywhere.

"We've been here barely ten minutes and they already…sorry Dad," John says.

"It's fine, son. You told me what I should expect," Jack Crichton responds. "As long as they don't burn the house down."

The kitchen is worse than the rest of the house. White foam covers the floor, walls, table, chairs, counters, ceiling, and whatever else there is. Nearly half the culprits of this mess have a whipped cream bottle in their hands.

All of them are covered in it as they slip and slide throughout the kitchen, chasing each other and throwing globs of whipped cream. John stands in the entrance to the kitchen and clears his throat loudly.

Everyone freezes in place and stare at him with slightly guilty looks. The only sound comes from the empty bottle that Vala is still trying to get whipped cream out of. Then Jack complaining that _someone_ __is still throwing hand soap even though he _told_ them whipped cream was better.

John crosses his arms and waits.

Sikozu goes up to him, trying to look innocent. "It wasn't me, Crichton. I didn't even participate, I…"

John is looking at her hand which is filled with whipped cream. She quickly flings it backward and it lands on Daniel's face. He'd just got done cleaning his glasses off, too.

"Guys, did you ever stop to think that maybe Dad had this many whipped cream bottles for a reason?" John asks them.

"Yeah, that was for the desserts at the party," Jack Crichton says, but he is very amused rather than angry at the scene in his kitchen.

"He started it!" Jool points at Jack.

"Princess, don't even try that, you know I'm not gonna believe Jack started it," John says.

"Actually, she's right. It was my idea," Jack admits without regret.

Cam snorts.

"I should've known," Carter says, trying not to laugh.

"Okaaay," John says, amused. "Anyway, you guys are gonna clean this up. Now."

"Fiiine," Chiana sighs. She gets on the ground and starts licking up the whipped cream.

"No, don't…nevermind, whatever." John dismisses that with a wave of his hand. "We'll be putting up decorations and then we'll go costume shopping."

"Ooh, shopping!" Vala exclaims.

"Vala, we're supposed to be cleaning up," Daniel says.

"I am, Daniel. I'm cleaning you up," she says, trying to lick whipped cream off his face. "And you can clean me up."

Daniel grabs a rag from the nearby sink and throws it onto her face.

"You're no fun," Vala pouts beneath the rag as Daniel makes his escape.

After a long day of cleaning, decorating, shopping, and restocking the fridge, John collapses on the couch. Cam does the same beside him, followed by Carter. Jack and Daniel stretch out on their sleeping bags on the floor.

Jack Crichton sits in a chair. "Woo! I'm beat," he says with a yawn.

The same can not be said for the aliens. Teal'c and Vala are having a pretend swordfight with their costume lightsaber and pirate sword. Jool is trying to join in with her witch's broom. Stark is enthusiastically clapping and cheering them on.

Aeryn and Sikozu are simply rolling around on the ground, wrestling. Chiana is perched on the edge of Jack Crichton's chair, sniffing him.

"Pip…" John warns.

Chiana bounds over to him. "Can I have more whipped cream _nooow_?"

"No," John says.

"I'll take that as a yes." Chiana takes off for the kitchen, narrowly avoiding a lightsaber to the head.

John is not so lucky as he jumps up and drags her back. "I said _no_ , Chi." She pouts for a second, then goes to join in on the wrestling.

Daniel is snuggled into his sleeping bag. "I think it's bedtime."

Stark leaps over and almost lands on top of Daniel. "I want to stay up aaallll night!"

"Ooof course you do."

Then Vala leaps over and _does_ land on top of Daniel. He grunts.

"Don't you wanna stay up and party?" she asks.

"No, we're having a party tomorrow," Daniel replies, unsuccessfully trying to push her off. "And _I'm_ going to bed."

Vala, sitting atop him, crosses her arms. "Not while I'm here, you're not."

"Oh yes I am." Daniel closes his eyes and ignores her, pretending to sleep. Vala eventually gives up and crawls into her own sleeping bag.

Without his sword fighting partner, Teal'c goes to bed too. Jool follows soon after, deciding that she's accidentally hit herself in the head with her broom enough times for one day.

As John is wrangling the last of them into their sleeping bags, Jack Crichton says, "I'm surprised you didn't go crazy after so long out there with them."

"Heh, yeah," John replies as he considers tying Stark up for bed so others can sleep.

 _ **John's Mind**_

"Little does he know…" says Harvey, who is dressed in a ridiculously silly goblin costume. "Trick or Treat!"

"Shut _up_ , Harvey," John says. "Go away."

 _ **Back in the Living Room**_

"Well, good night Johnny," Jack Crichton says.

"Night, Dad." John finally gets to go to bed, excited for the party tomorrow.


	10. And Now for the Actual Party

"Rise and shine!" John exclaims throughout the living room. He pulls a pillow off of Aeryn's head. "Up and at 'em, baby!" Aeryn growls threateningly. John slowly replaces the pillow. "Thaaat's a no."

"Can't get them in bed, can't get them out of bed..." Cam says as he has a zipper war with Chiana on her sleeping bag.

"The struggle never ends," John says.

Teal'c comes in from the kitchen. "Watch, I shall get them all up as one," he says, earning doubtful looks from John and Cam. Then he calls out to the sleepyheads, "If you do not rise you will not receive chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream."

Just as Teal'c predicted all of the lazybutts shoot out of their sleeping bags and barrel down the hall. "This is an unhealthy obsession," Daniel says, flattened against the wall so he doesn't get trampled.

John and Cam follow. The aliens (and Jack and Vala) are already stuffing their faces with pancakes and whipped cream. Mostly whipped cream.

"Who's idea to give them whipped cream for breakfast?" John asks even as he piles it on his own pancakes.

"Mine," Jack Crichton admits.

"Daaaad. You're like their grandpa that spoils them or something," John says. He notices Jack O'Neill at the other end of the table teaching Chiana how to fling pieces of pancake with a spoon. John points at him. "And you're like the crazy uncle."

John digs into his amazingly delicious yummy chocolate chip pancakes. "Hey Astro, don't just eat the chocolate chips out," he says. "Eat the whole pancake or you don't get candy later."

"Candy?" Stark's face lights up. ( _HA_! Get it?)

After breakfast they start setting up for the party and getting into their costumes. It takes quite a bit longer than it probably should.

John is painting Chiana's face with fake blood. "Hold still, Pip, you're gonna be the best zombie anyone's ever seen."

"Zom-bie," Chiana says. "So I'm dead?"

"Yeah, the living dead," John says.

"You can't be living and dead at the same time, John," says Aeryn, waiting her turn.

"Zombies are dead people that come back to life," John tries to explain.

"Like Aeryn!" Chiana says, referring to that one time Aeryn died and was brought back to life by Zhaan.

Aeryn's eyes widen in realization and she whispers, "I'm a zombie."

Cam comes in laughing. "Having an identity crisis, miss?" He tips his cowboy hat at her.

"I'm a zombie," Aeryn tells him.

"No, zombies are still dead, they can just walk around and eat peoples brains and stuff," Cam says.

"That's drad!" Chiana says excitedly, rushing out to help with the party set up.

"Don't actually eat anyone's brains!" John calls after her. Cam looks disturbed. John shrugs. "You never know."

John moves on to Aeryn. "All right, my vampire baby, your turn." John starts painting on fake blood to look like it's dripping from her mouth.

"What are you supposed to be anyway?" she asks.

"Frankenstein's monster," John replies.

Aeryn's not even gonna try to repeat that.

"Okay, done," John says. "You look great." He goes in for a kiss. She goes in for a head rub. They awkwardly bump noses instead and then the doorbell rings.

Guests start arriving, including John's sister and nephew, DK and his wife, and some people from Jack Crichton's work. Arriving a little later is Sheppard, Rodney, and Jonas.

"I'm a zombie and I eat braaaiiins," Chiana greets them.

"I'm a headless horseman, so I don't have a brain for you," Sheppard says.

"That's disappointing," says Chiana.

"Try Rodney, he might possibly have one," suggests Sheppard.

"Wha- Of course I have a brain," Rodney says. Then he realizes he made a mistake as he tries to unlatch Chiana from his back. Sheppard laughs at him.

Stark, dressed as an escaped mental patient, is standing on the couch making dramatic sweeping arm motions and shouting, "My side, your side! My side, your side!" Sikozu, sitting on the other side of the couch dressed as Medusa, hisses at him.

"Woah, these people are really getting into acting like their costumes," observes Sheppard.

"Oh, they're not acting," John says. "That's just the way they are."

Jonas looks the tiniest bit disturbed. Rodney looks much more disturbed with Chiana licking his head.

"Pip, I told you not to actually try to eat people's brains," John says. If it's possible Rodney looks even more disturbed now.

Meanwhile, Jool has talked Teal'c into giving her a ride so she can pretend to be flying around on her broom. She's trying out a wicked witch cackle that Carter taught her but it sounds more like a firetruck siren.

Teal'c, dressed as a jedi, is waving his lightsaber around as he carries Jool through each room at a house-shaking run.

Carter the secret agent and Jack the werewolf are sneaking around trying to scare each other.

Vala, having seen Jool riding Teal'c, climbs onto Daniel's back. "Charge!" she says, waving her pirate sword around and clinging to Daniel's grim reaper hood. Daniel gives in just to get her to stop kicking him in the sides.

Chiana, still astride Rodney, notices the excitement. "Onward my trusty, uh, guy wrapped in bandages!" she exclaims.

"Mummy. I'm a mummy," Rodney informs her.

"Hmm, that's not what mommies look like where I'm from, but okay. Get them, mommy!" Chiana points toward the romping Teal'c and Daniel with Vala and Jool trying to knock each other off.

"No, not mommy, mummy," Rodney says.

"Move it, mommy!"

Rodney opens his mouth to correct her again but John whispers, "Just go with it."

Rodney sighs and trudges along behind Teal'c and Daniel.

"Who wants to dance!" says Jack Crichton, dressed as a mad scientist. He turns on a radio to Halloween music.

Everyone starts rocking out. They all have fruit punch and candy. Then they have cake and dance some more.

John notices Chiana sneak off into the kitchen. He follows her. He's just in time to see her adding something to the bowl of fruit punch.

"Pip!" he says sternly. "Are you spiking the punch?"

Chiana smiles at him innocently. John takes the small bottle from where she was hiding it behind her back and smells it.

"Raslak?!" he shouts. Then in a whisper, "You snuck raslak onto Earth? Chiana, that's probably really illegal!" He dumps the punch into the sink.

"So? Sugar's illegal but you guys use it in so many things!" Chiana replies.

"Sugar isn't illegal here." John is interrupted by a crash and then a loud shout of, "She bit me!"

"Though I'm starting to realize why it is in your part of the galaxy," he says as he rushes back into the party. "Okay, who did the biting."

All the aliens point to someone different.

"Seriously Sikozu? I'm not gonna believe that my own dad bit someone," John says.

Sikozu moves so she's pointing at Daniel.

"Still not convinced."

Sikozu shrugs.

"It was her," Rodney says, pointing at Aeryn. "She bit my neck!"

"Aeryn, I thought I told you not to actually bite people just because you're dressed as a vampire," John says, then adds, "or bite people in general…"

"Sorry," Aeryn says, not sounding very apologetic.

"Who wants to go trick-or-treating!" Jack shouts randomly.

"I do!" Jool exclaims.

"Me too! I want to!" Stark says excitedly.

They swamp Jack.

"You guys don't even know what that is," John laughs.

"Aren't we too old for trick-or-treating?" Daniel asks.

"Eh, we don't act like it," Jack says.

"Let's go!" John exclaims.

They all run out into the night and instantly become the craziest group of trick-or-treaters. They race from house to house like a pack of rabid dogs, filling their pillow cases up with candy.

Hours later the aliens are still going strong. The humans are having trouble keeping up.

"Do they ever stop?" Rodney pants from the back of the group.

"They're on a major sugar high right now," John says.

Chiana circles around the back and jumps on Rodney, practically vibrating with her sugar rush.

"Yeah, I can tell," he says over the screaming in his ear.

"We can't fit anymore candy," Jonas says, lugging his full bag along behind him.

"Yeah, and it's pretty late. Time to head back," says John.

"Nooo!" whines Jool.

"If we eat some of our candy, we can get more!" Stark says, reaching into his bag.

"No, uh-uh, you guys do _not_ need any more sugar tonight," John says. "C'mon, let's go." They go back home.

The next day John is saying goodbye to his dad, preparing for the trip back to Moya.

"I hope you're coming back for Christmas," Jack Crichton says.

A bunch of curious alien stares turn on him.

John laughs. "You can bet on it, Dad."


	11. Scary Stories

"I got the flashlights!" Chiana comes running into Command with her arms full of flashlights in preparation for the power-down. She trips over Cam and goes sprawling on the floor.

"What are you doing?" she asks, watching him pile random dren in the middle of the room.

Cam picks up the flamethrower. "I'm gonna make a fire," he says.

Chiana gives him a surprised look. "Have you gone fahrbot?!" she says, lunging for the flamethrower. "Why would you set Moya on fire?"

"No, not like that. A campfire," Cam tries to explain.

Chiana wrestles the flamethrower out of Cam's hands.

"I found s'mores stuff in our stash of Earth food," John announces, walking in on that scene. "Chiana, what have I told you about the flamethrower."

Chiana points accusingly at Cam. "This welnitz was gonna set Moya on fire!"

"No no, Pip, he's just gonna make a little campfire," John tells her. "So we can make s'mores."

John holds up a bag of marshmallows and the flamethrower is left forgotten on the floor as Chiana is lured away. Teal'c walks in dragging a bunch of chairs. He sets them up around the fire.

Everyone else arrives on Command and Pilot announces that he's initializing the power-down. The lights go out and the crew gathers around the fire.

"We are now drifting in the asteroid belt," Pilot tells them.

"How long is this power-down going to take?" Sikozu asks.

"Approximately four arns," Pilot replies.

"What if Scorpius finds us?" Jool asks worriedly.

"His Command Carrier can't get into the asteroid belt, that's why we chose to do it here. We even had a meeting about it," Cam says. "Our next meeting should be about listening during meetings."

"Who's ready for a scary story?" John says.

"Me!" Vala shouts in Daniel's ear.

Daniel shoves her face away. "Vala, Teal'c brought enough chairs for everyone, please sit in your own."

"Okay, here goes," John says.

 _ **John's Story**_

One night John was walking home-

("You're John." "Yes Stark, I know that." "This story is about you?" "Sort of… just shut up and listen.")

Anyway, on his way home John had to pass the big spooky haunted house. But then he heard a noise come from inside. It was a cry for help!

Someone must be in trouble, John thought, so he rushed in 'cause he's awesome at savin' people. And also he ain't afraid of nothin'.

("You are so afraid of stuff, I saw you-" "ShhHHH! Tellin' a story here, Sputnik.")

So he went into the haunted house and the door slammed shut behind him! He continued on his mission to save whoever needed help.

Helloooo! he called. Nobody answered. The only sound was the creaking of the old house. Then he heard what sounded like footsteps coming from the kitchen, but when he went in there was no one there. There was just a toaster on the counter.

POP!

(John leaps up from his chair, causing it to clatter on the ground. Everyone jumps in surprise. "What's a toaster?" Chiana asks. "It makes toast." "What's toast?" "Food." "What kind of food?" "Enough questions, just go with it." "Go with what?" "Jeeesus.")

John was startled, _not_ scared. Okay, maybe a little disturbed because he was _sure_ he heard footsteps. He made his way to the living room, which was also empty. On his way to the stairs he heared someone breathing next to his ear and felt something touch him.

OOOOOooOOOOOO!

("That didn't translate." "It's not supposed to Aeryn, it just means things are getting creepy.")

Who's there? John asked.

I aaaaam, said a disembodied voice.

Oh crap, a ghost, John said, and he ran for the door. But it's locked!

I'm goooing to eat youuur soooOOuuull OOOooOOO! said the ghost.

John burst through the door and escaped. 'Cause he's really awesome and manly.

 _ **The End of John's story**_

"So, you like it?" John asks.

"Why did the ghost talk like that?" Jool says, taking a bite of her s'mores and making a giant mess.

"'Cause that's how ghosts talk," John says.

"How do _you_ know," Vala says.

"Everyone knows that," John says.

"My turn!" Cam exclaims.

 _ **Cam's Story**_

One day Cam walked into Stargate Command but it was really silent and spooky and nobody was around and Cam wondered where everyone was.

("That was a run-on sentence." Cam just glares at Daniel for a second.)

Him and the team-

("He and the team.")

 _Him and the team_ had a mission so he headed to the gateroom. Strangely there was no one in the control center either so he went to go find everyone.

The halls were all creepily empty and Cam couldn't find anyone. Then he noticed a trail of blood on the ground. Also it was smeared on the walls.

This ain't good, Cam whispered to himself. He got his gun ready as he rounded the corner. He saw Teal'c up ahead and felt relieved.

Am I glad to see you, big guy, what is goin' on… Cam stopped talking when Teal'c turned around, revealing that half his FACE WAS MISSING OH GOD.

Zombie! Cam yelled, running back down the hall with Teal'c on his heels.

("I think it would be rather hard to run with someone holding onto your heels." "Figure of speech, Aeryn.")

Cam was running down a hallway when Vala suddenly came out of a door and he rammed into her. He was trying to help her up.

Come on, hurry, Teal'c's a zombie! he says, but then he realized the blood dripping from her mouth and her leg was hanging off.

Now he was running from two zombies. He needed to escape so he opened a vent to hide in there, but there was a HIDEOUS MAN EATING MONSTER AAAUUUGAAHHAAA! Oh wait it was just Daniel.

Let me in, Jackson, they're after me! Cam said but Daniel fell out of the vent and he's only half a body!

Cam tries to run but Daniel clings to his legs and Teal'c and Vala were coming at him-

("You keep switching from past tense to present tense." "Would you quit correctin' me, Jackson.")

As I was saying, Cam was surrounded. There was only one thing to do! He started shooting the zombies until they were just pieces on the ground, but still they dragged him down and Cam got eaten alliiiiive…

 _ **The End of Cam's Story**_

"Did that really happen?" Stark asks.

Cam looks at Stark like there's something wrong with his brain. Which there probably is. "Are you retarded or something?"

"What does that-" 

"Who's next!" John interrupts. "Aeryn, why don't you give it a shot?"

"Give what a shot?" Aeryn says, jumping up and going for her gun. She whips it around in search of whatever it is that John wants her to shoot and accidentally rams it into Daniel's head.

Daniel gets knocked out and topples to the floor.

"Woah, okay, woah, that is not what I meant," John says. He raises his hands when he finds the gun aimed at his face. He slowly pushes the weapon down. "That is enough scary stuff out of you."

"I think Daniel needs mouth-to-mouth," Vala says as she leans over the unconscious Daniel.

Daniel snaps awake. "I'm good! I'm fine. Get your sticky marshmallow face away from me please."

"I do not have a sticky marshmallow face!" Vala says. "Teal'c, tell him."

"Indeed…not," Teal'c says, knowing full well that Vala does have a sticky marshmallow face.

"See," Vala says triumphantly.

"Teal'c who's side are you… never mind, let's continue," Daniel gives up.

"I will try now," Stark says.

 _ **Stark's Story**_

Stark was walking through a pretty garden when Scorpy showed up and blasted Stark's head off!

 _ **The End of Stark's Pathetic Excuse for a Story**_

"Oooh, I didn't like that story," Stark says, looking very disturbed.

"It was your own story though," Daniel says.

Stark just looks at him.

"I will tell you a story now," Teal'c says.

In the middle of Teal'c's amazingly scary story everyone is wide-eyed on the edge of their seats when a loud BANG! makes them all jump.

"Wow, you're real good at this," Jool says.

"That was not me," Teal'c tells her.

"What."

The bang comes again and Jool screams. The flashlights all go out.

"Jool, look what you've done!" Sikozu says, shaking a flashlight.

BANG! BANG! 

Jool screams again.

"Shut up!" Sikozu throws the useless flashlight at Jool's face.

"It's coming from the door!" Cam says.

"It's the carnivorous six-horned dunac!" Chiana yells.

"Teal'c probably made that creature up," John tries to reassure her.

"I did not," Teal'c says.

BANG! 

Everyone screams and ducks for cover as gunfire fills the room. Cam snatches the gun from Aeryn. "Will you chill, woman?"

There are now smoking scorch marks in the door. BANG! 

"How about we just open the door and see what it is?" Vala suggests.

"Okay go on, open it." Chiana pushes Vala toward the door.

Vala spins out of Chiana's grip and hides behind Daniel. "I'm not doing it! You do it!"

"It was your idea!" Chiana joins Vala behind Daniel.

"It was my idea for _you_ to open it!"

They are each clinging to Daniel's shirt so neither of them can shove the other toward the door.

Teal'c walks over and opens the door. Outside is a little slide with a ramp at the end. A DRD slides down and whizzes past Teal'c's head into Command. Everyone stares at it curiously.

Pilot appears on the clamshell viewer. "HaHA!" he laughs. "I got you good!"


	12. Stranded

"I _told_ you this was a bad idea but you just _had_ to drag us all fitching," Aeryn grumbles as she follows John at that slow-motion walk you do in waist-deep water.

"It's _fishing_ , and it _seemed_ like a good idea at the time," John argues back. "How was I supposed to know a giant shark was gonna leap out of the water and drag the transport pod down?"

"I still blame you for getting us stuck here for a _whole_ _solar day_!" Aeryn huffs.

"I _told_ you it is _not_ my fault!" John snaps.

"Guys, guys, chill," Cam cuts in. "We're _all_ freezing our butts off here and you don't hear any of the rest of us complaining. Well, except those two princesses back there, but I think we all tuned them out by now."

A whining Jool and pouting Vala travel at the back of the group. Vala sloshes her way up as fast as she can and slaps Daniel's butt.

"Hey!" Daniel protests. "Don't do that."

"Just making sure your butt hasn't frozen off yet," Vala says innocently.

"Vala, that's a figure of speech…" Daniel says.

"I know, but any excuse in a storm, right?" Vala replies.

"That's 'any port in a storm'," Daniel corrects her.

"Speaking of ports in a storm," John says, squinting in the bright sunlight. "Do you guys see that?"

"Indeed," Teal'c says. "It appears to be an island."

"Finally we can get out of this frelling cold water," Sikozu says.

The sun is setting by the time they crawl onto dry land.

"See," John says, collapsing onto the sand. "It's almost time for Moya to return for us."

As they are resting on the beach waiting for Pilot to call there is a disturbance in the sky.

"What is that?" Cam points to what seems to be a falling object.

"Could it be a meteorite?" Daniel wonders, watching the thing streak toward the ocean.

"Probably," John says, walking up to the water's edge to get a closer look.

"It's obviously a crashing ship," says Chiana. "You humans can't see anything!"

"More specifically, it's a marauder," Aeryn says.

"That means Scorpy and his glowy-eyed friend might be joining us soon," John says.

"Or maybe they will die in the crash," Stark says hopefully. His hopes and dreams are crushed when two people eject from the marauder and parachute down to the water.

"Why hasn't Pilot commed yet?" Jool asks nervously. "He should've been here by now."

Aeryn checks her weapon. "My pulse pistol got too wet, it's frelled."

"Oh dren, the comms are frelled too," Chiana notices.

"Don't worry guys," John says, trying to calm them down. "We outnumber them."

"And they probably won't have working guns either," Daniel adds.

"We might be able to come to an agreement," Cam says.

"Or they could drown before they get here," Stark says.

"I doubt it, the water was shallow for quite a few metras from this island," Jool says.

They all stand and wait as Scorpius and Ba'al arrive on the beach.

"Need some flight lessons, grasshopper?" John greets them.

Scorpius growls. "I wasn't the one piloting." He and Ba'al stop a good number of motras away, dripping wet.

John holds up his hands. "Look, we don't want any trouble," he says. "Our ship will be here any microt now and we'll just be on our way."

"Good luck with that," Ba'al mutters.

"What do you mean?" Cam asks suspiciously.

"There's a plasma storm raging above this planet," Ba'al explains. "It's the reason we crashed, _not_ because of my piloting skills." He finishes with a look at Scorpius.

"Your Leviathan won't be getting anywhere near this planet with that storm," Scorpius says.

"Yeah, neither will your Command Carrier, or any ship for that matter," John replies.

"What do we do?" Jool asks.

"Wait it out," John says. "All of us. We call a truce." He steps forward and offers his hand to Scorpius.

"We have no choice but to agree," Scorpius says, eyeing John's extended arm.

"You're supposed to shake my hand," John explains. "It means you won't break the promise."

Scorpius grabs John's fingers and shakes his hand around.

"Close enough," John says. "But I'll be watching you. We came here on a fishing trip, and grasshoppers can be used as bait."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Unwilling to go searching for shelter in the dark jungle after the incident with the giant shark, the crew makes camp right there on the beach. Though it's nighttime, nobody feels like sleeping, so they all huddle around the fire and stare at each other.

"So if comms are out I guess we'll just have to wait for Pilot to send down some transportation," John says.

"How long do these plasma storms usually last?" Daniel asks.

"They can be as short as a solar day or as long as three weekens," Aeryn replies.

"So we need to be prepared for a long stay," Cam says.

"And hope Moya gets here before Scorpy's ship," Stark adds.

"I sent my Command Carrier in search of your Leviathan before we crashed," Scorpius says as he and Ba'al join the group.

"Who invited you?" John says.

"We have not come to harm you," Scorpius assures them. "But once my ship is here the truce is over."

"Moya will get here first, you'll see," Stark says.

"Doubtful, but I suppose we will find out," Scorpius says.

"I bet our ship will capture yours," Ba'al says.

"No it won't, Moya and Pilot can take care of themselves," Chiana says.

"We'll see about that," Ba'al says, leaning over Chiana threateningly.

"Hey, back off, golden boy," John warns. "You hurt my friends, you'll have it coming."

"Like you, a weak Tau'ri, could bring yourself to do me harm," Ba'al taunts.

"Maybe, maybe not," John says with a shrug. "But I could look the other way as I let my friends here do what they want, and they probably want to kill you by now. So keep that in mind."

Ba'al glares.

"Why don't you go make your own fire and leave us alone," Vala says.

Scorpius growls. "Fine. But remember, John Crichton, I only want the knowledge you and this…esss geee one possess," he says as they start to walk away. "I have no use for your _other_ friends."

John jumps up. "Hey, we have a truce, remember!" he calls after them. "We shook on it!" Scorpius and Ba'al continue walking without looking back and John sits back down. "We still outnumber them."

"Someone should keep watch as the others sleep," Teal'c suggests.

"Good idea, we'll take turns," Cam says.

They do that throughout the night until the sun begins to rise the next morning.

"Okay people, we need to survive here on this island for who knows how long," Cam says. "So we need to find food, water, and shelter."

Aeryn points toward the jungle where there is a big boulder just at the edge of the trees. "We'll meet at that rock, and if anyone's not back in three arns, we'll go looking for them."

"Everyone keep an eye out for any sign of Pilot," John says. Before Stark can say anything John points at him and adds, "That was a figure of speech. It does not mean you have to take your eye out." Stark looks relieved.

"All right, off we go," says Cam. "Be careful out there."

They split into three teams and head into the jungle in different directions.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Teal'c leads Sikozu, Jool, and Vala through the trees in search of good shelter.

Jool is dragging her feet. "We've been searching _forever_ and I still don't see anything!" she complains.

"We've only been looking for like five microns," Sikozu says, allowing a branch to whack Jool in the face.

Jool just groans in reply. Vala shoves through them to join Teal'c in the lead. She is wearing a safari hat. Teal'c gives her a questioning look.

"What?" she asks.

"Where did you get that hat?" he wonders.

"Oh, I keep it in my pocket for occasions like this," she replies.

They walk one and a half arns without finding a single thing, then turn back toward the beach.

"Did you hear that?" Sikozu asks.

"Hear what?" Vala says, listening. "I don't hear anything."

"I heard a growl or something," Sikozu says.

Teal'c halts the group and they all go silent.

"Oh, I heard it too!" Jool whispers.

"I still don't hear it," Vala says.

"That's because humans have horrible hearing," Sikozu says.

"Dren, it's getting closer," Jool says in a shaky voice. "Maybe we should run."

Before they even take a step a huge creature leaps out of the bushes. It barges through Jool and lands on Teal'c, knocking him to the ground. It grabs hold of his leg in its mouth. Teal'c punches at its face but it doesn't let go.

Sikozu throws a big rock at its head. It releases Teal'c and lunges at her, its teeth clamping down on her arm. It shakes and her arm rips off. The arm flings to the side, landing on Jool's face, causing her to burst out in ear-splitting shrieks.

The creature whines and paws at its tall ears, ceasing its attack. Jool's long, loud, never-ending scream continues without pause even after the beast runs off.

Vala rushes over to Teal'c. She takes the jacket he'd tied around his waist and starts wrapping his bloody leg with it.

Sikozu kicks the still shrieking Jool in the side. "Shut up now and help me!"

Jool shakily holds the severed arm up to Sikozu's shoulder. "I need something to tie it on with."

Vala hands over her own jacket. "You're just gonna tie her arm back on?"

"She's a Kalish bioloid," Jool says as she gets to work. "It'll reattach itself soon."

"Hopefully the others are having better luck than us," Sikozu says.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

John, Aeryn, and Daniel are on an expedition for water.

"Achoo!" Daniel sneezes. "Achoo!"

"You all right, man?" John asks.

"Yeah," Daniel sniffles. "I think I caught a cold."

"You'll get better in no time," John says. "It's so hot!" He pulls at his sweaty t-shirt, his vest already stripped off. "Oh _shoot_ , it's hot."

"Huh?" Daniel says.

John whirls around to find Aeryn lagging behind and panting. "This ain't good."

"I'm fine," Aeryn insists, trying to wave him away. "I don't…" she trails off, forgetting what she was going to say.

"Uh-uh, baby, you're starting to get heat delirium," John says. "We need to find water right now or else return to the ocean."

"We'll make a circle and keep looking as we head back to the beach," Daniel suggests.

They are halfway back when Aeryn stumbles and can't seem to get her feet under her again.

"Uh-oh, life alert! I've fallen and I can't get up," John says in a high-pitched voice as he helps her. Aeryn gives him a look that basically tells him to shut up.

"Is it getting hotter?" Aeryn says.

"Feels like it," John agrees.

"I found something!" Daniel calls from up ahead of them.

John and Aeryn hurry through the bushes to see pools of water scattered around in a clearing.

"Here we go, baby." John kneels down and sticks a hand in the water. He immediately pulls it back out and shakes it around. "That's hot!"

"What, really?" Daniel feels it too and finds that it is indeed hot. Upon closer inspection, he notices steam rising from each of the pools.

"I can't believe it," John says angrily. "All we need is some cold water and we find a freakin' sauna in the middle of the jungle." He forcefully swoops Aeryn off her feet and goes stomping away toward the beach.

"Okaaay then." Daniel follows.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam, Stark, and Chiana make their way through the forest looking for food.

"Y'know, you can usually eat these," Chiana says, holding up a handful of leaves.

"Usually?" Cam mumbles. "I don't trust leaves. There are too many kinds of leaves that are poisonous on Earth."

"This isn't Earth," Chiana says.

"For some reason that makes me even more suspicious of them," Cam says.

"How about this?" Stark says. A large dragonfly-like bug dangles by a leg from his fingers. In its struggle to escape it rips its own leg off and flies away. "Hey, come back, come back!" Stark goes crashing through the bushes after it.

"Wait up!" Cam says. He and Chiana chase Stark.

Stark suddenly stops and turns around to show them he caught the dragonfly before shoving it into his mouth.

"Stark! What if that bugger was venomous!" Cam exclaims.

Stark just stares at Cam as he swallows.

"Gosh you people will eat anything."

"Here's some food!" Chiana calls.

Cam turns, expecting to find her gnawing on a rock. But instead she is shimmying up a tree that has blue and yellow fruit. She drops some into Cam's hands, then slides back down.

Cam studies the fruit closely. "Maybe we should find some way to test it before we-"

Chiana takes a bite out of the one he's holding up.

Cam throws his hands up in defeat. "Or we could just eat some and see what happens! What a brilliant idea!"

"Look look look!" Stark says. He's pointing at a crystal clear stream beside the entrance to a cave, which is surrounded by more fruit trees.

"Well, this is perfect," Cam says.

"We must go get the others," Chiana says excitedly.

They start on their way to the beach.

"Oh wait, we should mark some trees so we can find our way back to this spot," Cam says.

Stark pulls his pants down.

"Wha- _HEY_ man, _what_ are you _doing_!?" Cam exclaims, looking away.

"You said to mark some trees," Stark replies, confused.

"I meant scratch a mark _in_ them, not…that," Cam explains. He grabs a rock and slams it into a tree until there's a noticeable hole in the bark.

"Oooh…" Stark pulls his pants up.

The whole way back they leave a trail in the trees. They emerge from the jungle near the boulder that is their meeting place.

"Looks like we're the first ones back," Cam says.

"No, down there by the water." Chiana points.

"I thought we were supposed to meet at the rock," Cam says as they walk across the beach to join their friends.

Teal'c sits stoically by the water's egde as Vala and Jool fuss over his wounded leg. Sikozu stands nearby with her arm all wrapped up in a jacket. Aeryn lays in the shallows as John continuously pours water over her head.

"What the heck happened to you?" Cam asks.

Vala bounces over to him. "Bad news: there's a vicious man-eating creature in that jungle," she says.

"And the good news?" Cam asks.

"It doesn't like Jool's big mouth."

Cam turns to John. "How about you?"

"We didn't find nothin' useful, unless you wanna take a dip in a hot tub," John replies.

"Don't worry, don't worry, we found everything," Stark says.

"Yeah, food, water, a cave. You gotta see it!" Chiana adds.

"Do you know if the food is safe?" Daniel asks.

Cam points to Chiana, then Stark. "She ate a fruit, he ate a bug, neither of them died yet, sooooo looks like it." He shrugs.

"Lead the way then," John says.

As they're following the tree marks to their new camp, Cam says, "I wonder how Ba'al and Scorpius are doing."

John makes a dismissive hand gesture. "They can stay lost in the jungle for all I care."


	13. Thanksgiving Hunt

"Any word from Pilot?" Cam asks as he, Sikozu, and Teal'c return to camp with more firewood. They'd dried out the communicators in the sun until they began working again. The same thing did not help the weapons.

"Not yet," Chiana says.

"I wish he would get here already," Jool says. "It's been five solar days and some of us could really use a shower."

"Excuse me, I am constantly rinsing off in the water," Aeryn says.

"Yeah, and you've got that wet Sebacean smell." Jool waves a hand in front of her nose.

"I do not." Aeryn gives her an angry look.

Vala, Stark, and Daniel walk up, each carrying a couple pieces of fruit.

"That's it?" Chiana asks. "That's all you could find?"

"There is no more," Stark replies.

"We can't run out of food already, who knows when Moya's gonna get here," Cam says as he stacks the wood. "We need to figure out another food source."

"There's that big creature that attacked us," Sikozu says.

"Don't be a hingemot, we'd never be able to kill that without our weapons," Jool says.

"I bet your face could kill it."

"Neutral corners, guys," John says before they can start anything. "Don't argue."

"We may have no other option than to kill that beast," Teal'c says.

"Teal'c's right, we can't live off of dragonflies," Cam says.

"How are we gonna kill a giant creature like that?" Chiana asks.

"The old-fashioned way," John says. "Start sharpening sticks, everyone."

They spend the rest of the morning creating spears and preparing to track down the creature.

"Stark, you stay here with Aeryn," John says. "Hopefully we'll be back with dinner tonight."

"Can't I stay behind too?" Jool asks.

"No princess, we're gonna need your scream to scare the creature off in case things go wrong," John says.

Jool reluctantly follows the group into the jungle, each of them loaded up with spears.

"So how do we find this thing?" Cam asks.

"Maybe if we just walk around it'll come to us," John says. "Keep your ears open."

"I cannot close my ears, Crichton," says Sikozu.

"Is that why humans have bad hearing?" Chiana asks.

"What, no, that is another figure of speech. It means listen closely," John explains.

They walk in silence for a while until they come across a small lake. When they start to go around it they stumble upon another camp. Scorpius and Ba'al stand there arguing over their food supply, which is one shriveled-up little piece of fruit.

Hey hey, grasshopper," John greets.

"John Crichton," Scorpius responds, turning.

"I see you've found a nice spot for yourselves here," John says conversationally, taking in the view of the lake.

"Yes, but food has become scarce," Scorpius replies. "We are still under a truce, yes?"

John nods.

"Then maybe you could share some of your food."

"Sorry Scorp, we're all out," John tells him. "Would you give us a microt?"

John takes his group out of earshot. "Should we let them join our little hunting party?"

"We could use all the help we can get," Sikozu says.

"And we can't just let them starve to death," Daniel adds.

"Why not?" Chiana asks.

"Because we're better than that, Pip," John tells her.

"All right, they can come," Cam says. " _If_ they promise to leave us and Moya alone when she comes back for us." 

They rejoin Scorpius and Ba'al.

"We got a proposition for you," John says. "If you promise not to take us or Moya prisoner while we're getting off this planet, we'll let you join us. And we're planning on a feast tonight."

Scorpius and Ba'al look at each other.

John holds out his hand. "Do we have a deal?"

Too hungry to argue, the two villains nod at each other.

"Deal," Scorpius says, and they each shake John's hand.

"Okay, now since we're all buddies, here's what we're gonna do," Cam says. He describes their plan of killing the creature and eating it.

"Oh yes, we had a run-in with that thing," Ba'al says. He and Scorpius retrieve a bunch of spears from a stash in their camp.

"Then let's find our dinner," Cam says.

They set off once more into the jungle. After quite a bit of walking, and some complaining, they hear an unmistakable roar.

"That's definitely it," Vala says.

"Everyone get ready," John says.

Without warning, the creature comes bounding out of the bushes right for them.

"Frell, it was closer than it sounded!" Chiana says as she and Ba'al get knocked to the ground when the creature runs by, headed straight for Teal'c.

It bowls him over, landing on top of him, ready to tear him apart. Before it has the chance, Sikozu rams a spear into its shoulder. With an angry roar, it spins and lunges at her.

Sikozu dives out of the way and rolls behind Cam, who jabs another spear into its side. Cam sidesteps as it swipes at him, and Scorpius leaps up and sticks a spear into its eye.

Disoriented, the creature whirls, plowing into Jool. She starts to scream. The beast shakes its head and whines before taking off through the trees.

"Follow it!" John shouts.

"It's going toward the beach!" Vala says as they all run in the direction it went.

Unable to keep up with the creature, which is now far out of sight, they slow down and catch their breath.

"If we can corner it on the beach, we might just be able to kill it," Cam says.

"It's wounded, see, it's leaving a trail of blood," Daniel points out.

They follow the blood for a while until they find it pawing at its injured eye.

"Surround it, this way, so it will run toward the beach," Ba'al instructs.

Once they are all in position, John shouts, "Go!" and they all rush out at the beast with weapons raised, screaming and shouting. Startled, the creature takes off.

Teal'c throws a spear, which lodges in the creatures back but doesn't stop it.

"How many spears is it gonna take to kill this thing?!" Cam says as they race after it.

They manage to keep up this time because the creature is slowed by its wounds. It runs out of the forest and onto the sand, followed by its pursuers. Upon reaching the water's edge, it spins around to find its way back to the jungle blocked.

Jool and Vala shout to distract the monster as all the others attack at once. Overwhelmed, the creature falls, struggling on the ground until Sikozu rams a spear into its neck and it goes limp.

"Yeah, we did it!" Chiana cheers.

Cam and John high-five.

"Now how do we get it back to camp?" Jool asks.

"I suppose we carry it," Daniel says. "Or drag it."

"But it's so big," Ba'al points out.

"That's why we _all_ help," Cam says, grabbing onto the beast's leg.

John takes another leg. "We'll be eating good tonight."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That evening they drag the creature into camp. Aeryn and Stark have a big fire all ready for it. Soon they are all sitting in a circle on the ground having dinner.

"You know," Daniel says, "it should be around Thanksgiving back on Earth about now."

"Thanks giving?" Stark asks.

"It's a holiday where you eat a lot and be thankful about stuff," John tells him. "So give thanks, Astro."

"Thank you, John," says Stark.

"No, not me," John says. "Just say something you're thankful for."

"Oh. I'm thankful for…" Stark thinks. "I'm thankful I am not dead."

"Now you're gettin' the idea," John says.

Then a voice comes from John's comm. "Commander, are you there?"

"Pilot, hey!" John replies.

"I apologize for being so late," Pilot says. "There was a plasma storm…"

"Yah, we heard that from Scorpy and Ba'al," John says. "So you might want to send down a transport pod before their Command Carrier returns."

"What is wrong with the pod you took to the planet?" Pilot asks.

John was hoping to avoid this conversation. "A giant shark attacked it and it sunk into the ocean," he admits quickly.

"Commander Crichton!" Pilot scolds. "That is two transport pods lost in less than a quarter cycle! We only have one left!"

"Yeah, and hopefully it's on its way down here," John says.

"It is," Pilot grumbles. "It will be landing on the beach near your location."

"Welp, time to go," John says as he and his friends get up. "See ya, grasshopper. You better remember the promise you made if your ship meets us up there."

"I am an honorable man, John," Scorpius assures him. "You are free to go. For now. But once we are away from this planet, the chase will continue."

"Of course," John replies as he follows everyone else into the jungle. "I expect nothing less from you."


	14. Pass It Around

_**On a Random Planet in the Uncharted Territories**_

Chiana stacks another container into Teal'c's arms. "I can't believe we got all this food, and for hardly any money at all!"

"Indeed," Teal'c says gladly. This is the first half-decent, somewhat civilized planet he'd been to since arriving in this strange corner of the universe.

Chiana follows him back toward the transport pod, also carrying a bunch of food-containers. On the way, she gets distracted.

"Hey, look Teal'c!" she says. "Doesn't that party look dag-yo? We should join in!"

"We must first take these supplies back to the pod," Teal'c says, herding Chiana away from the party.

Chiana quickly gives up trying to get past his muscles. "Okaaaay. But we'll come back right after!"

When they get there, Chiana tosses the food-containers into the pod haphazardly. Teal'c begins to stack them neatly where they are actually supposed to go.

"C'mon, we're gonna miss the party!" Chiana is tugging at Teal'c's arm. She can't budge him a single henta, but he gives in and allows her to believe she is dragging him back to the party.

A few microns later, Cam, Jool, Stark and Sikozu return to the pod, also stocked up on food-containers. Cam takes one step into the pod and trips over something. He scrutinizes the few stacked containers, and the rest scattered all over the floor. And in chairs. A couple on the console. Some didn't even make it into the pod.

"Whoever did this stacking job needs some serious help," Cam huffs, twirling a finger next to his head.

"I bet I know who did it," Jool says as they start cleaning up the mess.

"Oh yeah?" Cam replies.

Five more microns later, John, Daniel, Aeryn, and Vala all rush in.

"They're here! We have to go!" John exclaims.

"Hold up, we have something important to settle before we go anywhere," Cam says.

"I know what you're thinking, Cameron, and I didn't do it," Vala cuts in.

"So…it wasn't you who left food-containers all over the place?" Cam asks.

"Nope," Vala replies. "We didn't even get any food."

Cam snaps his fingers. "Darn it."

"Ha! You owe me fifty kelvic crystals," Jool says.

"You haven't won yet, Princess. It might not have been Chiana. It could've been…" Cam looks around. Realizing it's Teal'c who is absent along with Chiana, he grumbles and hands over the money.

"Anyway, as I was saying, Scorpius and Ba'al are here, so we have to get goin'," John says.

"We better go find Teal'c and Chiana," Daniel says.

"Let's hurry up and do that then," John says, leading everyone back into the marketplace. "I don't think Scorpy knows we're here yet."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I know they're here," Scorpius says as he, Ba'al, and Braca walk through the marketplace.

"Yes, that was their transport pod we parked next to," Braca says.

"Look, there is one of them," Ba'al says.

Braca rudely pushes through a crowd of dancing people. He grabs Chiana and holds her tight.

"Tell us where John Crichton is," Scorpius demands.

"Well, I don't know, he could be anywhere!" Chiana says. Then she sneezes in Braca's face.

Startled, Braca lets go. Teal'c rams into Scorpius and Ba'al from behind, and they run. They soon find their friends wandering the marketplace.

"Scorpius and Ba'al!" Chiana exclaims, pointing behind her.

They all run. Cam leads them into an overgrown garden place. "They won't think to look for us here."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I think we should look in there," Braca says, pointing to a big garden.

"Then we shall," Scorpius says.

They walk into the garden and start looking around. They hear a rather loud and obnoxious sneeze. It _could_ have come from any one of the many people strolling through the garden, except that it was closely followed by an even more loud and obnoxious, " _EWWWWW_!"

And then a growl that was probably supposed to be a whisper: " _Quiet_ , Vala!"

Ba'al pounces into the bushes and lands in the dirt, missing Sikozu by a dench. They all scatter in a panic.

Scorpius is standing there with his arms crossed when Ba'al crawls out of the bushes. "That plan could've used more thought," he says.

Braca is already running after their fleeing targets. "We can outrun them, sir!" he calls over his shoulder.

Scorpius and Ba'al take off and join in the chase. But John and his crew escape in their transport pod, leaving the panting villains in the dust.

"It appears that we could not outrun them, Braca," Scorpius says.

Braca doesn't mention that maybe they could have if Ba'al hadn't tripped over his own robes right in front of them and slowed them down. "We'll catch up to them with the marauder,sir," he says instead.

They all get in their ship and take off. Just as they leave the planet, they see Moya starburst away.

Braca sneezes on Scorpius.

"Braca!" Scorpius yells.

"I apologize, sir, it won't happen again," Braca says. (It very nearly does happen again, but Braca manages to redirect his sneeze toward Ba'al, who grumbles angrily.)

"No matter," Scorpius says. "Just find that Leviathan."

 _ **Three Arns Later on Moya**_

Chiana sneezes. "Ugh, I feel like dren," she says in a stuffed up voice.

"You look like dren," Jool teases.

"Shut up," Chiana says. "Come here so I can sneeze on you."

"Ew!" Jool shrieks. "No, you stay away from me!" She runs out of the room.

John almost gets trampled over as he's walking in the door. "I hope you're heading to the lab to try and find a cure for this!" he calls after Jool.

"Do you think she'll find one soon?" Chiana asks.

"Oh, she probably won't ever find one," John says. "It looks like you have a cold. There's no cure for that."

"So I'm gonna die!?" Chiana exclaims.

"Gosh, no!" John says. "You'll get better on your own. I just hope none of the rest of us catches it. Colds pass around like crazy."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Daniel finds himself in a situation he'd rather not be in. Which is often the case when Vala is involved.

"Daniel, I'm sick. You're supposed to help make me feel better," Vala says, advancing toward him. Instead of being stuffy like Chiana, Vala has a runny nose, and it is quite apparent from the snot dripping down her face.

"No, you're gross Vala, get away from me!" Daniel lunges for the safety of his room.

But she is right behind him. "You are doing a horrible job of comforting me in my time of need!"

Daniel is cornered against his bed as Vala gets closer and closer. Then Cam steps in. Cam the hero, the savior, the knight in shining armor, here to save poor Daniel's life.

""Leave him alone, you snotty woman." Cam grabs Vala's arm. It's all wet from where she'd been using her sleeve to wipe her nose all this time. Cam lets go and jumps back, but it is too late for him. "Jesus, you ever hear of a tissue!"

"There _are_ no tissues around here, Cameron," Vala says.

Cam just stomps out of the room, leaving poor Daniel at Vala's mercy. She jumps on him, and he falls back onto the bed.

He lays there with her curled up on top of him. "This is okay, I guess, as long as you don't-"

Vala sneezes in his face.

"Vala!"

"I'm sorry, Daniel, that was as much a surprise for me as it was for you," Vala says.

"But it was more _disgusting_ for me…"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam hurries down the corridor with his hand held out as far as he can get it, looking for a sink or something, anything to wash it off in. He doesn't notice Stark coming out of a door in time and they collide.

Cam is knocked off balance and his hand shoots up to grab onto Stark's shoulder. It ends up on his face. The snotty hand. There is no hope for Stark now.

But Stark is oblivious as he mumbles, "Sorry, sorry," and bounds away down the hall to go do who knows what.

"Probably to go unwittingly infect everyone else," Cam mutters. He sneezes. "Shoot!"

A few arns later, every single one of them is coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and moaning pathetically, all slumped in Pilot's den.

Pilot doesn't bother trying to shoo them off his controls. He's too sick to even care.

 _ **In the Cargo Bay**_

The marauder sits there, unmoving. Inside, Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca also sit there, unmoving. Ba'al coughs. Braca sneezes. Scorpius snaps awake from falling asleep.

"We should go and capture them so we can take over this Leviathan," Scorpius says.

They all continue to sit there.

A few microns later Braca says, "So are we gonna-" he coughs….still coughing….stiiiill coughing. He sneezes. "Are we gonna-" he coughs. "-go take over now?"

Ba'al sniffles dramatically and slumps over to lean his head against the window. "I don't feel like it."

 _ **Pilot's Den**_

Pilot finally checks the alert that's been beeping beneath Sikozu for seven microns. "There's a marauder in the cargo bay," he says with no emotion.

"You should probably eject it," John says, not even raising his face off the console he's laying on.

Pilot looks at the button that would eject it, way over there. Way, WAAAY over there. He could never reach it! (His hand is sitting right next to it)

"I don't feel like it."


	15. A Solar Day in the Life

_**Waking up**_

John smushes the pillow over his head, trying to keep out the loud noises coming into his quarters from the corridor. These noises include crashing, screeching, unnecessarily loud yelling, things (and possibly people) rolling across the floor, more yelling, and what sounds like a stampede that would put a herd of rampaging elephants to shame.

Something bounces against his door, and then something crashes into his door, and then something _else,_ and John wonders how much more it can take before it rips off the wall. Aaaand cue the yelling.

"Would you keep it down out there!?" John shouts, but it appears no one heard him. Or they're pretending not to.

Frustrated, John flings his one and only pillow at the door. Five microts later he regrets that mistake.

"Well, I'm already awake, might as well just get up," he mumbles to himself.

He admits he is curious about what's going on out there in the early hours of the morning. He opens the door to chaos. "Hey, you guys ever hear of sleeping in?"

"Morning, John," Cam says, pausing at the doorway. Everyone else barrels down the hall in pursuit of some scrap metal that's been crushed into a ball.

"What is even going on?" John yawns.

"We're playin' some soccer," Cam replies.

John rubs his eyes. "Did it have to be right outside my door?"

"Well, we started out in the cargo bay, but things got a little out of hand and we kinda just ended up here," Cam explains. "Wanna play?"

"Why not."

John joins the game. It takes him a quarter of an arn to realize he's still in his underwear.

 _ **Breakfast**_

"So what do we have for breakfast today," John says as he walks into the galley. He pulls open the refrigeration unit. "What, we're out of food?!" he exclaims.

"Look again, John, I'm sure I left you some," Aeryn says as she shoves her own food into her mouth before anyone else can get it.

John peers into the drawer again and finds something deep down in the farthest corner. He picks it up. "Oh, gee, thanks Aeryn, you left me a whole half a food cube," he says sarcastically.

"You're welcome."

Meanwhile, Daniel has the aliens mesmerized as he reaches behind Chiana's ear and pulls out a food cube. Chiana stares at it, shocked, and reaches up to feel behind her ear.

"How'd you do that?" Jool asks, also looking behind Chiana's ear, and Stark watches amazed from his spot crouched in the corner, hunched protectively over a plate of food.

"Do it again," Sikozu demands.

This time Daniel reaches toward Vala, who is pretending not to have any interest in what they're doing.

"I'm not falling for that again, Daniel," Vala tells him.

He pulls out the food cube, and the others excitedly search her for more.

Cam sits at the table and watches with amusement. "It gets them every time," he says as John joins him.

Teal'c walks in and checks the empty refrigeration unit. "We have run out of food," he announces.

"Want half of my half a food cube?" John offers.

"No thank you," Teal'c says.

"Yah, we're gonna need to get some food today," Cam says.

"Hey Pilot," John calls over the comms.

"Yes, Commander?" Pilot replies.

"We need to find a commerce planet soon," John tells him.

"I believe we are approaching one now," Pilot says.

"Good." John claps his hands together really loud to get everyone's attention. "Get ready, people. We're going planet-side."

 _ **Shopping**_

"…and be careful with the transport pod, it is the only one left," Pilot says.

"We _know_ , Mom, you told us like ten times already," John says as they board the pod.

Aeryn carefully lands on the planet and they all step out into the marketplace. Dark clouds overhead block out all the sunlight, and everything seems really dull and gloomy.

"What a wonderful day to go shopping," Cam says. The aliens all give him looks as if he's gone fahrbot. Cam pretends not to notice the stares.

John hands out the money. "Be careful with this, don't lose it."

Stark drops some of his and a little alien thief zips by and scoops it up off the ground.

John facepalms. "Great Stark, you just did exactly what I told you not to do."

But Stark is already running after the thief, shouting, "Come back here, trasnik!"

"I could help snurch it back," Chiana offers.

"Okay, fine, go steal our money back," John says. Then he calls after her, "But no more 'snurching' after that! We're the good guys, remember?"

"Let's find some food," Daniel says.

They start walking through the dim, crowded marketplace. Sikozu leads them to a food stand.

"What can we get for two hundred crystals?" John asks the seller.

"Food cubes," grunts the shopkeeper.

"Only food cubes?" Sikozu says. "Look at all this other stuff you have, and it's not even rotten. Surely we could buy some of that."

"It is worth more than you can pay," the shopkeeper says.

"We might have to settle for food cubes," John says, disappointed.

"If I eat one more food cube, I'm going to votch!" Jool whines.

"Well, what do you expect me to do?" John says, spreading his hands out helplessly.

"Find something better," Jool says, already walking away.

Throughout the whole marketplace they find nothing but rotten food and rude shop owners unwilling to negotiate.

"Food cubes it is," John says as they return to the first stand.

"I'm out of food cubes," the shopkeeper says.

"But you said you had them just ten microns ago!" Sikozu argues.

The seller just glares at them. They step away from the stand.

"Looks like we can't get food here," Cam says. "Can we make it to another planet without it?"

"We can't know for sure," Aeryn says.

"What do we do?" Daniel asks.

Beside him, Vala gives a thumbs up to someone near the food stand. It turns out to be Chiana, who steals a handful of little white grape things right under the shopkeepers nose. She runs off and he chases after her.

"Quick!" Vala says. She rushes over to the stand and starts shoveling food into her pockets.

Stark has his coat off and is filling it up like a bag. Jool and Sikozu join in.

"Don't just stand there!" Vala calls to those of the group who don't steal on a regular basis. "Come here and make yourselves useful." She starts filling a flustered Daniel's pockets up too.

"Did you not hear me when I said we are supposed to be the good guys who don't steal?" John says.

"Would you rather starve?" Jool asks.

Aeryn comes out from behind the stand with an anti-grav sled loaded up with boxes upon boxes of food.

"Time to go!" Chiana says, running up to help with the sled.

"Where's the shopkeeper?" Cam says, looking around.

"I lost the dumb greebol in the crowds, but he'll be back soon," Chiana says. "So move your eemas and help with this already!"

She is met with a stern look from John. She throws their bag of currency onto the food stand. "There, we paid, so technically we're not snurching…kind of."

John shakes his head in disappointment and helps with the sled. "This did not go as planned."

 _ **Midmeal, A.K.A Lunch**_

After escaping to Moya with their loot they all dig in greedily.

"I don't know what this is, but it tastes like chicken," Cam says, stuffing his mouth with some sort of brightly-colored squishy food.

"It's probably better that you don't know what it is," John says.

Cam pauses. "Do you know something I don't?"

"No, I'm just sayin' it really could be anything." John studies the food as he mushes a piece between his fingers.

"Who cares what it is if it's edible," Chiana puts in.

"Says the girl who ate lipstick," John replies.

Chiana shrugs.

Jool smacks Stark's hand away from her food, then throws a handful of crushed up crackers at him. He responds by throwing an oddly shaped fruit at her, which leaves a purple spot where it splats on her cheek.

"You know, we wouldn't run out of food so quickly if you guys didn't throw it at each other," Daniel points out. He is answered with a shower of cracker crumbs.

Suddenly they are all slammed against the wall as Moya starbursts.

"Hey Pilot!" John calls. "Warn a guy when you're gonna do that!"

"Apologies," Pilot replies. "Scorpius' Command Carrier appeared and Moya panicked."

"Oh, well, as long as we got away," John says.

"Actually there is a problem," Pilot says. "A marauder was sucked along with us during starburst and is attempting to catch up to us now."

"Keep ahead of them, Pilot," John says. "And warn us if something happens!"

 _ **Lazy Afternoon Activity with Impending Doom Lurking Outside**_

"How much longer till we can starburst again, Pilot?" Chiana asks nervously.

"Moya needs at least another half an arn to restore her energy," Pilot answers.

"You still playing ring around the rosy with Scorpy?" John asks.

"If by that you mean am I still flying circles around this moon with the marauder behind us unable to catch up, than yes," Pilot says.

"They're gonna catch us eventually," Jool says.

"Nothing we haven't handled before," Cam says. "Let's play a game to keep our minds off it."

This catches Vala's attention from across the room, where she'd been playing her own game of 'How Fast Can I Unzip Daniel's Jacket Before He Can Stop Me'. "Spin the bottle?" she suggests.

"No way," Cam says. "How about I spy?"

Vala turns back to Daniel's jacket zipper. "You always pick the lamest games, Cameron."

Cam ignores her. "I'll go first. I spy…something yellow." He is met with a bunch of blank stares. "You're supposed to guess what it is."

"Ooooh," Sikozu says.

Since they are taking forever to make a guess, John decides to try. "The DRD?"

"Yup," Cam says.

"My turn," John says. "I spy something square."

"The table," Cam guesses.

"Nope." 

"The window?" Aeryn asks.

"Yeah. Now you try," John says.

Aeryn looks around. "Um…I spy something…chair…shaped."

"Oh! Oh! The chair!" Stark guesses.

"Yes," says Aeryn.

Now Stark looks around. "I spy the door."

"Okay, this game isn't working out so well," Cam says.

"We are prepared to starburst," Pilot announces.

"Do it, Pilot," John says.

They starburst, and Pilot speaks again. "I'm afraid the marauder is still with us."

"Those sneaky little drannits!" Jool says.

"They are gaining on us and we cannot starburst for another arn!" Pilot says in a panicky voice. "I can't lose them!"

"Dren," says Chiana.

"Try for as long as you can, Pilot," John says. "Then let them board. I have a plan."

"Frell," says Aeryn.

"Shh, it'll work," John says. "Trust me."

 _ **Dinner (With Company)**_

Scorpius and Ba'al exit their marauder into the cargo bay of Moya, guns ready. Before they can even blink, they are grabbed from behind and quickly disarmed.

John enters, his hair slicked back and a makeshift bowtie around his neck. "You'd bring weapons to a dinner party?" he says to the two intruders. "Shame on you."

"What is this?" Scorpius growls, confused. He struggles against his captors, but Teal'c and Daniel, also looking quite dashing, hold him tight.

His partner in crime is having no more luck with Cam and Aeryn. "I demand to know what is going on!" Ba'al shouts.

"Golden boy is right, this is no way to treat out guests." John snaps his fingers. "Cuff them."

Vala comes in with her hair all done up and wearing a dress (it's actually a bedsheet). She hands over two pairs of Peacekeeper hand cuffs, which are used to restrain Scorpius and Ba'al.

"We will escort you to your table now," John says.

A very confused Scorpius and Ba'al are unwillingly dragged through the corridors and into a dining area. Stark is standing there.

"Um, one microt, gentlemen," John says to the villains. Then he goes and whispers to Stark, "Why isn't the table ready yet?"

"You said I was a waiter, so I am waiting," Stark replies.

John facepalms for the second time today. "No, that's not…just forget the waiter. Get the table ready."

Stark covers the table with an elegant white tablecloth (which is also a bedsheet) and starts lighting candles on top of it.

Scorpius and Ba'al are forced to sit in chairs, then tied down for good measure. Cam stuffs napkin bibs into their shirts. Scorpius and Ba'al are so confused they are speechless.

"Now I present to you, our cook," John says.

Chiana walks in with trays of food in each hand, wearing an apron (yes, it's a bedsheet too, don't judge). Sikozu and Jool follow with more food, acting as waitresses.

John announces the food as it is laid out on the table. "Here we have some Cholian curd salad, and over there is some crispy grolack, yum. I'm pretty sure that's hepatian minced stew, and kordla on the side."

A plate is placed in front of each of the villains.

"And the special for our honored guests: stale food cubes that I found under Jool's bed," John says.

Everyone else sits at the table and starts loading their plates with the good stuff.

Scorpius finally finds his voice. "What _are_ you doing, Crichton."

"Eating," John replies.

Scorpius growls in frustration. "No, what are you doing with us? What _is_ this?"

" _This_ is dinner, Scorpy, and you weren't exactly invited," John says. "But we're kind enough to let you join anyway."

Scorpius growls louder.

"Hey, mind your manners," Cam says, trying to be as graceful as he can while eating with his hands.

"When dinner is over, you two and your ship are getting shot out an airlock, and we're starbursting the hezmana out of here," John tells them.

The two defeated villains silently glare throughout the rest of dinner. Afterwards, they are shoved into their marauder, shot out an airlock, and left behind as Moya starbursts away.

"Ha!" Chiana laughs once they are far from danger. "Did you see the looks on their faces? Those grots didn't know what was going on!"

"That was the most krastik plan yet," Aeryn says.

"It worked though," John says, gloating just a little bit.

Sikozu walks in. "Can I have my bedsheets back now?"

 _ **Bedtime**_

John finally settles into bed after yet another long solar day on Moya. Despite everything that happened, it was one of the more normal days he's had in this part of the universe.

 _You know you have a wacky life when days like today seem normal_ , he thinks to himself.

He's drifting off to sleep when a shout snaps him awake. There are running feet out in the corridor, accompanied by yelling about whose bedsheets are the ones with the food stain, a ripping sound, and then an angry sentence that the translator microbes can't seem to handle.

John sighs. "It never ends."


	16. Christmas!

Daniel jerks awake when something heavy lands on top of him. It screams "Christmas!" in his ear and bounces up and down. "Wake up Daniel!"

"Oh, I'm definitely awake," Daniel groans. He shoves the thing over the side of the bed where it thuds onto the ground. "It's not actually Christmas yet, Vala."

"I know, but we go to Earth today for a Christmas vacation!" Vala replies excitedly before rushing out the door, probably to go launch herself onto poor unsuspecting Cam.

Daniel's suspicions are proved right when he hears Cam start complaining about how early it is, and how there's no clocks on this dang ship.

Soon the whole group is assembled in the cargo bay in front of the Stargate.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Chiana says, using Teal'c's arm to propel herself into the air for better screaming-in-ear position. "Isn't this going to be fun?"

"Indeed," Teal'c agrees.

A few hectic hours later they arrive at Jack Crichton's house. The chaos begins before they even walk through the door.

"What's this?" Sikozu asks, eyeing a lawn decoration suspiciously. At the same time Jool says, "What's that?" while Chiana's pointing to the roof saying, "What are those?"

All these questions are aimed at Cam, who soon finds his hands full. "That's a reindeer, that's a spiral light up Christmas tree, and those are hanging icicle lights. No, don't try to grab them, you'll tear them off! And stop trying to sit on the reindeer. No, you probably shouldn't sit on the spiral light up Christmas tree either."

Across the yard, John is having problems of his own. "Stark, put that back! Yeah, right there. No, down, just put it down. Aeryn, please don't attack the neighbor's snowman. No, it's not trying to hit you. It's waving. Just…come inside."

The questions don't end once they are in the house. Neither does the touching (and occasional breaking) of decorations.

"Johnny!" Jack Crichton greets his son, who finds himself in a bear hug.

"Dad! Nice to see you," John says. "Not very nice to see that ugly sweater though."

"Shush son, I got you all ugly sweaters for Christmas," Jack says.

"Daaaaaad…"

"John! John!" Stark runs up looking slightly worried.

"What's up, Astro boy?" John asks.

"There's a _tree_ in the _house_ ," Stark says, dramatically pointing toward the living room.

"Yeah, it's our Christmas tree," John explains. "We bring it inside and decorate it. Come on, I'll show you."

Stark leans toward Teal'c and whispers, "Humans are magra-fahrbot."

"Indeed," Teal'c agrees.

John opens up the box of decorations and they all crowd around the Christmas tree.

"Look, a reindeer." Sikozu holds up an ornament.

"That's a dog with a Santa hat, Sputnik," John corrects her.

"Oh." Sikozu hangs it on the tree and looks rather proud of herself. No one bothers to mention that she put it on backwards.

"Try spreading them out a little," Daniel suggests to Jool. He goes to help the skinny little branch that's drooping to the floor under the weight of seven ornaments.

Chiana tosses some tinsel onto the tree. She also tosses some onto Cam's head. He doesn't notice.

Once they are done decorating, John suggests Christmas shopping at the mall.

"Aren't you worried about them attracting attention?" Jack Crichton whispers.

The humans study the aliens, who are discussing the mental stability of people who hang over-sized socks on the fireplace. (They're ones to talk.)

"Eh, we'll cross that bridge when we get there," John says. "I'm actually more concerned with their behavior than their appearance."

"There probably won't be any problem," Cam says.

They arrive at the mall.

"It's like a marketplace on a commerce planet, but inside," Chiana says, looking around curiously.

"Look, that level riser is moving by itself," Aeryn points out.

"It's called an escalator," John tells her. "Let's go up on it."

The rambunctious aliens all scramble onto the escalator like a bunch of over-excited children.

"Guys, guys, be cool, you're starting to attract attention," Cam warns.

"That's 'cause you have tinsel on your head," Vala says. She and Chiana start having a giggle fit.

"Huh?" Cam flicks the tinsel off. "Very funny."

"Remember to step off when we get to the top," Daniel says helpfully.

It is obvious that not a single one of them was listening to Daniel, since they all go ungracefully flailing off instead. At the top is a long line of kids.

"Why do they all stand in a line like that?" asks Jool.

"They're waiting to see Santa," John replies.

"Santa?" Stark asks.

"Yeah, you tell him what you want for Christmas and he brings you presents and leaves them under the tree," Cam explains.

"Oooh, presents?" Chiana says excitedly.

"Let's get a picture with Santa," John suggests.

As they're waiting in line, kids are starting to notice them.

"Why are you grey?"

"Uh…"

"What happened to your face?"

"I…um…"

"Why do your eyes look like that?"

"They, uh…"

"Why do you smell funny?" 

"What."

Finally their turn comes. But when they see Santa, they balk. Cam tells the camera guy that they want a picture while John tries to coax the suddenly nervous aliens up to Santa.

"It's alright, you guys, he won't bite," John reassures them. Quietly, he adds, "That means _you_ don't bite, either."

"Ho ho ho!" says Santa.

"That's not helping," John says.

"Sorry."

Chiana cautiously approaches, followed by a wary Sikozu and Aeryn.

John leads Jool up by the arm. "We've seen scarier things than this, Princess," he says.

"I don't think I've ever seen a creature quite like that before," Jool says quietly, staring at the giant white beard and bright red outfit.

"C'mon, Astro," John calls.

"I don't want to," Stark replies.

"It's for a picture, Stark, a memory of our first Christmas all together," John says.

"No."

"Don't make me come over there."

Stark is violently shaking his head back and forth. John goes over there and drags Stark into the picture.

Stark struggles and starts making weird humming noises. He knocks into the already jumpy Chiana, who accidentally elbows Aeryn in the side.

Then Santa says "HO HO HO!" unnecessarily loud at the same time the camera flash goes off, blinding them a split second before the picture snaps.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"That was a disaster," Daniel says as he looks at the photo on their way home.

The picture consists of Jool screaming while clinging to Teal'c for dear life, Stark with a panicked expression as he mushes his hand into John's face, Aeryn giving Santa a wild-eyed look with her teeth bared, an extremely surprised Sikozu in mid-jump, knocking Cam off balance, Chiana in a defensive crouch with her hands over her face, and a startled Vala with her arms around poor Daniel's neck.

"It wasn't _that_ bad," Cam says unconvincingly.

"We got kicked out of the mall," Daniel replies.

"Well, they had good reason," Vala says, shoving into Daniel's personal space bubble to admire her beautiful face and Daniel's more strangled expression in the picture.

"Yeah, Aeryn, I thought I told you not to bite Santa," John scolds.

"I didn't!" Aeryn says defensively.

"You tried.

"Well, he was frelling creepy."

"We'll just have to go shopping somewhere else," Cam says.

They split into smaller groups and finish their shopping. After a tiring day everyone is finally tucked into bed with visions of sleeping in tomorrow morning.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Daniel snaps awake as a familiar heavy thing lands upon his chest. "Oh god, Vala."

"Christmas eve!" she shouts.

"Still not actually Christmas yet," Daniel groans.

The weight leaves him and he can breathe again. He opens his eyes and watches as Vala rolls over Teal'c, who doesn't even wake up, and plops onto Cam. Cam glances at the clock and starts moaning about how it's only 6:54 a.m.

Meanwhile, John is getting a wake up call of his own.

"Look!" Jool stands over him with a handful of white stuff. Some of it drips onto John.

"Wahoh! That's cold!" He looks up at Jool, who is innocently standing there, still dripping it onto him.

"It's snowing?" John bounds over to the window. "It's snowing!"

His friends join him to leave nose prints all over the window. A little while later they are all bundled up and standing atop a snowy hill.

"Who wants to go first?" John asks.

The aliens stare at him uncomprehendingly.

"C'mon, Pip, sit here." He pats the sled.

Chiana sits on it. John starts to push her toward the hill.

"Wait, what are you gonna do?" Chiana asks.

John gives one final push and sends her flying down the hill. Her screams of terror turn into shrieks of joy, and suddenly everyone else is pushing and shoving for a turn.

"Calm down, here, this one takes two." John positions Jool and Sikozu on the sled and sends them down.

John motions to Aeryn. "Come here baby, you get the big tube." He shoves her down after the others.

John realizes he's out of sleds. "Oh, sorry Astro, you'll have to wait till they bring the sleds back up." But Stark is already sliding down the icy hill on his butt. "That works, too."

Cam returns with more sleds. Daniel, Teal'c, and Vala all try to pile onto one with him and they end up tumbling down the hill instead. Seeing this makes Chiana want to try it. Soon there is a heap of aliens (and humans too) screaming their way down the hill and disturbing other people who are sledding.

After that they make a snowman (a rather disfigured snowman, but hey, they tried). Then they return home for hot chocolate and marshmallows.

The rest of the day is filled with more Christmas-y activities, such as:

 **Christmas Carols**

"Maybe try singing it instead of shouting it, Sikozu."

 **Mistletoe**

"It's supposed to be just one kiss, Vala…"

 **Christmas Movies**

"Sorry, Dad, I guess you're getting a new TV this Christmas."

 **Wrapping Presents**

"We use tape because it's less messy. Forget the glue, Chiana."

 **Milk and Cookies**

"You don't have to dunk your entire hand, Aeryn."

 **Christmas Stories**

 _Riiiip!_

"Woops."

"That's it, Stark, _I'm_ holding the book."

 **And Lastly, Christmas Eve Present**

"Oh, I know what this is."

"And you're gonna wear it tomorrow, Johnny."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That night while everyone is sound asleep, there is a commotion outside the house.

"You're _sure_ this is the right one?" Ba'al asks.

Braca shakes the tracker in his hand. "The cold is frelling with this thing, but I'm pretty sure."

"That's what you said last time," Ba'al grumbles.

"Stop complaining and open the door," Scorpius orders.

"Why don't you?" Ba'al replies. "I opened the last one and that animal bit me!"

" _I'm_ going to bite you in a microt if you don't open this door!" Scorpius growls.

"Shh! Fine!" Ba'al says. "Just be quiet or they'll wake up." He tries to turn the doorknob. "This one is locked."

"Is there another way in?" Scorpius wonders.

 _ **Inside**_

Aeryn wakes up in the middle of the night. She gets out of her sleeping bag on the living room floor and crawls across a few people before she finds John. She pokes him.

"Huh?" John says sleepily.

"What's that noise?" Aeryn asks, pointing upward.

John listens and hears thumps on the roof.

"That's Santa coming to bring presents," Cam says without thinking.

Jool shoots up in her sleeping bag. "You mean that creepy guy is on the roof?!"

"I shouldn't have said that," Cam says regretfully.

Stark is frantically trying to escape his sleeping bag.

"Calm down, you guys. It's probably just clumps of snow falling out of the trees and hitting the roof," John assures them.

There is a loud thud beside the house and then all noises stop.

"See, it was just snow coming loose and sliding off the roof," John says. "Now go back to sleep."

John grunts as Aeryn forces her way into his sleeping bag, unwilling to make the long, hard trek over Cam, Jool, and Stark back to her own. They are soon all asleep again.

 _ **Outside**_

Ba'al and Braca are trying their very hardest not to burst out laughing as Scorpius struggles to get out of the snow drift he'd fallen into.

"Shut up, it's slippery up there," Scorpius says at the amused snorts. "But I think I found a way in. Help me back up."

Braca gives Scorpius a boost up onto the roof. Scorpius carefully makes his way to the chimney. "I'll climb down here and then unlock the door for you," he says.

Scorpius squeezes his skinny butt down the chimney and crashes obnoxiously out of the fireplace. Luckily for him, nobody wakes up. He lets the other two in through the door.

"Give me the cuffs," Scorpius whispers.

Braca checks his pockets. "I think I dropped them."

"What," Scorpius growls lowly.

"There's no time to go find them now," Ba'al says. "Perhaps there is rope or something in one of those boxes."

They freeze when one of the oblivious sleeping creatures rolls, then goes still again. Scorpius and Ba'al quickly set to work opening the boxes.

Scorpius rips off the wrapping paper as quietly as he can. "What is the purpose of this?"

" _I'm_ wondering why there are hanging socks filled with random useless items, and…is this food?" Braca says questioningly as he goes through the stockings.

"No matter," Scorpius says as he continues to tear up every last box. "Have you found anything useful yet?"

"No," Braca replies.

Finished with the presents, Scorpius scrutinizes the indoor tree. "Humans are the strangest creatures I have ever encountered," he says.

Ba'al tugs at the string of lights. "We could use this."

Scorpius and Ba'al begin trying to unravel the lights from the tree. "Braca, come assist us with this," Scorpius says.

"One moment," Braca says, furiously trying to shake off a piece of candy wrapper that is clinging to his hand.

In their effort to unwrap the lights, they accidentally pull the Christmas tree down with a giant _CRASH!_

"What's going on?" Daniel says loudly at the same time John yells, "What was that?!"

Then Stark starts shouting, "It's Santa! He's here!"

Jool screams.

"Calm down, Santa ain't real," Cam says.

"Don't you give me that dren, we saw him!" Chiana says.

John gets an elbow in the face and a knee somewhere else as Aeryn struggles to get out of the sleeping bag. "Ow! Would you chill, Aeryn, it's not Santa!"

"It's someone!" Sikozu says.

"What?!" Cam shouts.

"If all this panic is because Dad is walking by…" John trails off as his dad comes running down the stairs.

"What's all this racket down here?" Jack Crichton asks. He flicks the light on to reveal Scorpius and Ba'al all tangled up in the lights of the fallen Christmas tree, which is laying atop Braca.

Everyone stares at each other in awkward silence for a moment.

"I'm not even gonna ask how you three got here," John says. "…or what you're trying to do…"

 _ **Christmas Morning**_

The villains are sent to Stargate Command to be held prisoner until John and his friends are ready to return to Moya.

"Now we don't get to unwrap our presents," Chiana says disappointedly.

"They even dumped out the stockings," Vala adds.

"It's not so bad, guys, you still get the presents even though you didn't unwrap them," John says.

Everyone continues to pout in their ugly Christmas sweaters.

"I know something that will cheer you up," says someone in the doorway.

"Sam!" Daniel, Cam, Vala, and Teal'c go hug their friend.

Then someone else shoves through the front door. "Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

Stark points and screams, "Santa!"

Jool shrieks. Chiana cries out in surprise and clings to Teal'c. Sikozu and Aeryn collide when they both go for the table lamp to use as a weapon. Chaos.

"Bad idea," says Cam.

John is trying to keep the possible weapon out of destructive little hands. "You might wanna show them you're not Santa before one of them gets this lamp."

A little bit shocked, Jack O'Neill removes the hat and fake beard.

Jool screams again. "Jack is Santa!"

"You have betrayed us with your lies!" Stark exclaims. "LIES!"

"No, no you guys, it's just a costume!" Jack tells them. He takes off the red coat. "Geez, what made them so afraid of Santa?"

"I don't even know, man, they just flip sometimes," John says.

"I brought presents!" Jack says.

"Presents?" Chiana asks. They all stop panicking and stare at Jack like a greedy pack of hyenas.

John steps in front of them. "Be civilized about this."

But Jack yells, "Knock yourselves out!" as he flings the bag of presents into the middle of the living room and they all dive in enthusiastically. A few of them _did_ end up knocked out.

After a day full of present opening, silly string wars, remote control monster trucks, and other fun things, they all have Christmas dinner.

"Ah, I haven't eaten so good since last time we visited Earth," John says.

"Look Daniel, mistletoe," Vala says.

"Vala, you just hung that on the back of my chair," Daniel says.

"It counts," Vala insists.

Daniel sighs. "You can't keep going around putting mistletoe all over and waiting for me-" Daniel is interrupted when Vala leaps on him and knocks his chair over. It becomes a wrestling match on the floor.

"So you guys staying for New Years?" Jack Crichton asks, apparently unfazed at all the weirdness and broken ornaments in his house.

The aliens all look at John expectantly.

"We wouldn't miss it."


	17. New Year's Eve

The five days following Christmas were fun and exciting, but on the fifth night, John finds himself wiped out. He's tired to the point of crankiness, but his friends just will. Not. _Stop_.

"Which color do you think, John, red or blue?" Chiana asks right in his ear. Why does she have to get so close?

"Blue," John says without looking, hoping she will go away.

"Oh, really? I thought red would look better," Chiana says as she noisily goes through the crayons.

"Then use red! I don't care!" John says a little loudly.

Chiana is unfazed, proceeding to color the panda bear red while practically sitting in his lap. John pushes her, but she remains up against him. And her natural Nebari smell is starting to annoy him.

On his other side, the phrase, "It's your turn, John," is patiently repeated over and over as Stark tries to play some board game that John never agreed to. He feels Stark's unwavering, expectant stare drilling into his face.

Behind him, Jool and Sikozu are drinking soda through twisty straws. More like slurping obnoxiously. John thinks he felt some splash onto the back of his neck a few times.

Directly in front of him is Aeryn. She is the most silent one in the room, but it's her fault that John has had to sit through hour after hour of Sesame Street.

He wishes he could've gone with Cam and the others to pick up their friends at Stargate Command, or even shopping with his dad, but it would be a bad idea to leave the house in the aliens' hands.

Jool and Sikozu start making even more dramatic sucking noises when they reach the bottom of their soda.

"It's your turn, John," says Stark for probably the one hundred and seventh time in that same annoying voice.

"Can you say Eiffel Tower?" asks Elmo on the TV, followed by Aeryn's mangled attempt to say it.

"Orange or green?" Chiana asks, sliding further into his lap with each passing second.

John finally reaches his breaking point. He shoves Chiana away, spilling the crayons, and tips Stark's board game as he gets up.

"Would you leave me alone!" John yells at them. "Gosh, sometimes I wish you'd all just disappear!" Then he stomps his way up the stairs and slams a door.

The shocked aliens all stare at each other for a microt, and then Stark asks, "Does anyone want to play this game?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next morning, John wakes up in his bedroom upstairs instead of in the living room. He notices the clock says it's nearly twelve p.m. and he jumps out of bed. As he is getting dressed, he remembers last night.

"Oh god, I was such a jerk," he mumbles to himself.

John heads downstairs to go apologize to his friends but realizes their sleeping bags are all empty. He goes through the disturbingly quiet house and finds only his dad having coffee and reading a newspaper at the kitchen table.

"Oh no," John says. "That thing happened."

"What thing?" Jack Crichton asks.

"You know, like in those movies," John says. "Last night, I wished they'd all disappear, and now they're gone!"

"Actually, they're outside with Cam and his friends," Jack Crichton tells him.

John looks relieved. "Oh, thank god."

"You really think that could've happened?" Jack Crichton asks.

"I know it sounds silly, Dad, but after being out there for so long, I've learned that _anything_ can happen," John says as he prepares to go out in the snow. "I mean, they've been shrunk to this tiny. One of them can melt metal with a scream. Another has just…light for half his face. I've been knocked unconscious by someone's _tongue_. I have a-" John cuts himself off, realizing he's pointing to his own head. "Uh, never mind that last one. See you later, Dad!"

John rushes outside.

 _ **Inside John's Mind**_

"Oooh, you almost let it slip, John," says that annoying little voice in John's head. "Why don't you just spill the beans, huh?"

"Maybe because I don't want my dad to think I've lost it," John replies, suddenly finding himself walking along a dirt road in a country-looking scene.

"The others know," says Harvey. "Aeryn and Stark and Chiana… They don't think you're crazy." Harvey pauses and puts on a thoughtful expression. "Well, no crazier than when they first met you."

"That's 'cause _they're_ crazy, Harv," John says. "They're used to stuff like this. Dad's not. Now go away."

"But John, it's New Year's Eve!" Harvey blows into a noisemaker and fireworks go off above them.

"I _will_ throw you into the dumpster again," John threatens.

Harvey's noisemaker makes a pathetic noise as it droops and the fireworks fizzle out.

"Goodbye," John says.

 _ **Back in the Real World**_

John joins everyone out in the snow. At least, that's what he's trying to do.

"Hello?" he calls into the empty backyard. "Guys? Anyone?"

John notices movement behind some snow-covered bushes. "Okay, what are you doin' back there."

He approaches the bushes to find not his friends, but someone he doesn't want to see. "Harvey. I thought I told you to leave me alone."

John then notices the other two people trying to remain unseen in the bushes beside Harvey.

"Oh, shoot, you're not Harvey." John grabs Scorpius' collar and forces him to stand. "What _are_ you tryin' to do, Scorpy? And how did you three escape Stargate Command?"

Scorpius growls and John gives him a shake. "We broke out and snuck into the vehicle that your clone returned in, and we ended up here."

"Cam ain't my clone," John tells him. "And you're goin' right back to your cell."

He shoves them toward the driveway, but finds no car there. He takes them on a walk around the house. There is no sign of Cam and the others, or the aliens.

"Where'd they go," John demands.

"They left in the car not long ago," Ba'al answers.

"Fine. We'll wait for them to come back from wherever they went, and _then_ you'll be on your way back to SGC." John leads the three villains into the house.

Jack Crichton looks up from his newspaper. "More friends of yours?" he asks.

"Not friends," John replies. He takes them into the living room and makes them sit on the couch. "Stay here where I can keep an eye on you." He stares at them for a second. "Why are you being so cooperative?" he asks suspiciously.

Scorpius spreads his hands out. "We have no weapons. It would be pointless to try anything now since you caught us before we could sneak up on you."

"Also we were too busy hiding to pay attention while in the car, so we don't know how to get back to the Stargate," Braca adds.

John gives them a distrustful look, then calls into the kitchen, "Hey Dad, did Cam or anyone mention that they were goin' somewhere?"

"Not to me, son," Jack Crichton replies.

John is about to try and call them when he notices the pile of small, gold things on the table in the living room. "Of course they all left their comms here," he mumbles.

Jack Crichton walks into the living room, where John is slumped in the armchair looking worried and keeping a close watch on Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca. "Don't get all worked up about it, Johnny, they're probably fine," he says.

John sighs. "You're right, Dad. They'll be back anytime now."

But a few hours pass with no sign of his friends. John returns from looking out the window to join in watching TV with the bad guys. Ba'al slumps uninterested on the couch. Scorpius sits beside him, pretending like he's not impressed. Braca is fascinated by the documentary show about iguanas.

Not exactly how John wanted to spend his New Year's. He sits there and imagines all the worst possible things that could be happening. _I hope they're not causin' any trouble, wherever they are._

 _ **At a Store Somewhere**_

"Chiana, get _out_ of the cart."

"No, don't shake the soda, Aeryn. Stop!"

"Where's Stark?"

"Sikozu, would you _please_ stop knocking things over?"

"Jack, that's not helping…"

"Vala, don't throw lemons at Rodney."

"See, now there's soda all over!"

"Excuse me, sir, the store was supposed to be closed a half hour ago."

"Has anyone seen Stark?"

"Jaaaack…"

"Don't _eat_ that! Oh god, she ate that…"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave…for the fifty-eighth time…"

"Believe me, ma'am, we are tryin',"

 _ **Back at John's Dad's House**_

"It's starting to get dark and stormy," John says, watching a blizzard out the window. "Where _are_ they?"

"Try not to worry too much, son," Jack Crichton tells him.

Ba'al's words are harsher. "Get back in here so we can finish this game."

John reluctantly drags himself away from the window and picks up his Playstation controller. He and Ba'al go back to motorcycle racing with Braca. Scorpius thinks he's playing too, but his controller is not plugged in.

Afterwards, they watch TV. Then John worries some more, they have dinner, play another game, look at old pictures, and watch more TV. It is practically midnight when there is a commotion outside.

John opens the door to find all his friends, plus Sheppard, Rodney, and Jonas, on the front lawn with sparklers and noisemakers.

All at once they say "Happy new-"

"Cycle!"

"Year!"

"I mean year!"

"Cyc…year!"

"Ear!"

"Year."

"Oh, year!"

"Man, you guys, we practiced that at least fourteen times!" Cam says.

John wants to go hug them, but decides staying clear of those sparklers is a much better idea. "Where have you guys been all day?" he asks.

"Shopping," Vala replies.

"Really."

"We _were_ shopping, we just…had a little trouble," Sheppard says.

"A _lot_ of trouble," Cam corrects. "We lost Stark, Aeryn made a mess of the soda aisle, Chiana took a ride down the street in a shopping cart, Sikozu broke too many things to count…"

"And Jack was encouraging all of it," Daniel adds.

"Well, not _all_ of it," Jack says guiltily.

"You were running around shooting people with a nerf gun…" Daniel says.

"Don't forget, she was chasing me with lemons!" Rodney points accusingly at Vala.

"It was up to me, Cam, Sheppard, and Teal'c to get your aliens here under control again," Carter explains. "Jonas was too occupied with the TV section, and Daniel had his hands full with Jack and Vala."

"Who really should know better," Daniel puts in as he is trying to discourage Jack from helping Vala light four sparklers at once.

"And then Jool tried to eat a marble," Cam says. "We had to rush her to SGC 'cause we couldn't risk taking her to a normal hospital."

"Then we had to go back to the store because we still couldn't find Stark," Daniel says. "But the store was closed, so we had to call the manager."

"And when the manager _finally_ got there and let us in, we found Stark in the TV section watching the weather channel with Jonas, who we apparently also accidentally left at the store," Jack says.

"Then on the way back, Sikozu thought it would be a good idea to 'help' me drive," Cam says. "We ended up sliding off the road into a pile of snow, and we had to call for another car."

"It was a good thing we crashed near a restaurant for dinner," Jonas says.

"Then this blizzard started up, so it took _foooorreeeveeerr_ for the car to arrive," Vala says.

"It was slow goin' all the way here," Cam adds.

"And all for a few firecrackers and sparklers," Rodney finishes.

"It was much more exciting than my day," John says. He pulls Scorpius out the front door. Ba'al and Braca follow.

"What are _they_ doing here!" Chiana exclaims, pointing a sparkler at the uninvited guests.

"Woah, Pip, try not to set anything on fire, please," John says. "They are behaving themselves, so we're gonna allow them to join in the fun here." He sticks his head in the house. "Dad, could I have some pots and stuff!"

Jack Crichton brings out a bunch of pots, pans, and spoons. John gives them to Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca.

"Here guys, make some noise to welcome the New Year," John tells them.

The villains just stare at him for a second, but are soon going along with the celebration, which continues on into the night and well into morning. I can't say Jack Crichton's neighbors had the happiest New Year. And he kinda needed to get new pots. And spoons. …and the roof somehow got set on fire, but it's all good.


	18. The Happy Prison

Fourteen microns. That's the amount of time between when the crew of Moya lands on the planet and when they find themselves in big trouble. Again.

"You know, it would be nice if we didn't get chased or captured every time we leave Moya," Jool huffs as she paces the room they are currently locked in.

"Sometimes that stuff happens when we are still _on_ Moya," Chiana says.

"At least no one was shooting at us this time," Daniel points out.

"And yet, here we are, imprisoned for absolutely no reason." Jool flings her hands up in frustration.

"There's always a reason, Princess," John tells her, studying the door. "I have no idea what it could possibly be this time, but I'm sure there is one."

There is the sound of someone on the other side of the door. Everyone gathers in the center of the room when the door opens. A short smiling lady walks in.

"Welcome," she says in a too-happy voice. "You are probably wondering why you are here."

"Heck yeah," Cam says, crossing his arms. "You better have an outstanding explanation for all this."

"You are angry," the lady says, still smiling.

"Uh yeah, I'm not too happy about being locked up against my will," Cam says.

The lady stares at them, her expression annoyingly joyful.

"Well?" Sikozu asks impatiently. "Aren't you gonna tell us why you brought us here?"

"I just did," the lady replies. "You are angry."

"What…" Aeryn says. "You're locking us up because we're angry?" 

The lady nods.

"But we weren't even _being_ angry today!" Vala exclaims. "Until now."

"How is being angry a good reason to imprison someone?" Daniel asks.

"Anger is a mental instability," the lady explains.

"Are you calling us insane?" John says. "Lady, we are not insane."

 _ **Inside John's-**_

"No, uh-uh, we ain't doin' this right now, Harvey!"

Everyone stares at John.

"Did I say that out loud…"

"Look, you better stop pleeking around with us," Chiana demands. "Why are we _really_ here?"

"You are angry," the lady repeats.

"That's _your_ fault!" Chiana says.

"You will learn to be only happy," the lady says cheerfully. "And you will never leave."

Then she goes out the door and politely shuts it in their faces. They stand there barely comprehending what just happened.

"Frell," says Jool.

 _ **Half an Arn Later**_

"We have to get out," Stark says.

"We _know_ Stark, you can stop saying that now," Sikozu says.

"No, no, you don't understand," Stark says. "I feel part-death here, trapped souls. Half in, half out, half in, half out…"

"All right, Astro," John says. "We're working on it."

Stark crouches in a corner and continues to mumble. The others investigate the room for the squillionth time.

"It's no use," Chiana says dejectedly. "There's no way out of here."

"Maybe not, but our captors made one mistake already," Cam says.

"Yeah? What's that?" Chiana asks.

"They didn't separate us," Cam says. "They left us free to put our heads together and make a plan."

"That's right!" Chiana says. She puts her forehead against Cam's. "So let's plan."

"We don't literally have to put our heads together," Cam says, nudging her away. "Anyone have any ideas?" 

"We could try to ram the door down," Aeryn suggests.

Jool looks around the empty room, and then at the heavy stone door. "With what? Our bodies?"

"That door has a better chance of ramming _you_ down, baby," John says.

"When that lady comes back we could attack her," Daniel says. "Teal'c could take her down with one arm."

"Okay, good plan," Cam agrees.

"I will wait by the door," Teal'c says.

"We still don't know what to expect out there, since we were brought in blindfolded," Daniel mentions.

"Yeah, but we have to take any chance we can to escape," John says. "When Stark gets like this, it usually means get the heck out while you still can."

The door opens. Teal'c lunges. He is forced back into the room by a tiny lady that shouldn't be able to force Teal'c anywhere. A few more tiny ladies that all look exactly alike enter the room.

"That is soooo creepy and unnatural," Cam whispers, ignoring the fact that he creepily and unnaturally looks exactly like John.

The ladies lead three people in and remove their blindfolds. Guess who it is.

"Ah, the three stooges," John says. "You got caught too, huh?"

"Apparently," Ba'al grumbles. Scorpius silently glares with Braca standing by his shoulder.

The lady gives her speech about why they are here, smiling the entire time. There is a lot of yelling, growling, and threatening to hit the lady with certain objects (specifically Braca's boot. Scorpius couldn't find anything better). Then the ladies leave.

"Okay," Cam says. "So we learned that we can't overpower these deceptively strong ladies."

"Which is a huge setback to our plan of fighting our way out," John says.

"We need a new plan," Daniel says.

"Start thinking, everyone," John says. He points to Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca. "And I expect you three to contribute."

"Can I have my boot back now, sir?" says Braca.

 _ **Two Arns of Plotting Later**_

"So what've we got," Cam says.

"Nothing," replies Chiana. "We got nothing."

"Have you tried biting them," Scorpius says.

"Uh, no," Daniel says.

"I suggest you do," Scorpius says.

"Maybe we can outsmart them somehow," Jool says. "What if we acted all happy like they do?"

"Maybe they'll think we're not angry anymore and let us go," Vala says.

"That's actually a pretty good and obvious plan. Why didn't we think of it two hours ago," Cam says.

"We've all gotta smile and be nice," John says. "Think you can handle that?"

"Why did you direct that question at me?" Braca asks.

"'Cause I know Sebaceans, and you guys ain't good at nice. Or smiling," John says.

"We can be," Braca says defensively.

"Yo, Stark, what did I tell you about listening during meetings?" Cam says.

"I did, I did," Stark replies. "We act happy, we get out."

"And hope they don't notice any other mental instabilities that may or may not be present in this room," John says.

They hear the door being unlocked from the outside.

"Here they come," Sikozu whispers. "Nobody frell up."

Everyone puts a big smile on. A lady comes in.

"Hello!" John greets in his most cheerful voice. "How are you today?"

"I am very happy, thank you," the lady says through her own unwavering smile.

"We are very happy, too," Chiana says.

The lady silently stares at them. Ba'al's face twitches in annoyance.

"We are not angry anymore," Stark says. "Those are the rules, yes? If we are happy, we can go free?"

"It is time for one of you to be processed," the lady says. It is not the reply they were hoping for.

"What does that mean?" Aeryn asks, still trying to sound nice.

"All your anger will be forcibly removed," the lady explains happily.

Jool's smile falters when the lady starts walking toward her. Scorpius steps up to block the lady's path in a rare act of kindness (all part of the act).

"But we have no anger," Scorpius says.

The lady smiles up at him. "I know you are faking it," she says. "I can feel you are still angry."

"I am not angry!" Scorpius shouts angrily.

"Soon you will know nothing but pure joy," the lady says as she shoves Scorpius aside. " _Nothing_."

"Let go!" Jool shrieks when the lady grabs her. "Please don't take me!" Her struggles are useless as the lady drags her out the door.

"Don't worry, Princess," John says lamely. "We'll save you."

Jool gives him a worried, unconvinced look, and then the door closes.

"Well, that went quite horrendously," Cam says.

"We can't fight them, we can't outsmart them. What _can_ we do?" Aeryn says.

They are all in deep thought when they hear a scream. A very high-pitched, very long scream. "That's Jool," Chiana says quietly.

The scream continues, sounding more distant with each passing microt.

"We have to help her!" Chiana runs for the door.

"Don't waste your energy," Ba'al says unsympathetically.

But when Chiana pulls on the handle, the door unexpectedly swings open. Surprised, she stumbles backward into a solid rock wall. Oh wait, that's Teal'c. Outside the door, the metal lock is a melted puddle on the floor.

"Hurry, run!" Stark says.

They all race out of the room as a group, heading toward Jool's screams. The big building is filled with ladies running around, trying to contain other escaping prisoners. Some of the prisoners are running for it; others wander about aimlessly with silly smiles, slobbering.

Up ahead, the lady dragging Jool gets distracted with a violent prisoner, and Jool manages to slip away. She rushes over to her friends (and enemies).

"I saw the lock, it was metal, I just started screaming…" she babbles in a frightened voice.

"Yeah, great job, now we better find a way out of-" Cam cuts himself off when he sees the army of ladies making their way down the wide corridor. The escaping group turns around to run the other way.

"It's a dead end!" Braca shouts the obvious.

"Hide in here!" Daniel says, leading them all into a room.

Teal'c, Scorpius, and Sikozu push what appears to be a washing machine in front of the door.

"Out of one cell and into another," Ba'al says.

"Yeah, but this time _we're_ in control of the door," John says. "Plus, this is more like a laundry room than a cell…"

"We're still trapped," Ba'al replies.

"Did you see some of those prisoners?" Chiana says. "They were smiling and drooling like brainless greebols. I don't wanna get mind-frelled like that!"

"You won't," Cam says to try to calm her down before she flips. "We'll get out of here."

"Maybe there's a weapon in here," Aeryn says.

They start searching the room. Braca finds a blue squeeze bottle and holds it up questioningly.

"What is that, soap?" Vala asks. She tries to grab it but he pulls it away.

Braca sniffs it. He accidentally squeezes the bottle too hard and it squirts into his eye. "Ow! Yes, it's soap."

Vala snatches the bottle. "Well, it's more than we had."

Braca reaches into the cabinet filled with blue bottles, rubbing his eye and grumbling something about how she can't just get her own.

"There's another door!" Stark calls, hidden behind a tall stack of towels.

The towels get knocked over when everyone hopefully rushes toward him. But no matter how many times Stark pushes all the buttons, the metal sliding door won't open.

"This looks like it could be an elevator," Daniel says.

There is a loud bang on the door that's blocked with the washing machine.

"It would be nice if it was a _working_ elevator!" Cam says.

Everyone crowds closer to the elevator door as another bang causes the washing machine to slide a dench across the floor. Braca stands ready, armed with two soap bottles. It's not very reassuring.

The door slams into the washing machine again and it slides another dench. With no other option to try, Teal'c rips the control panel off the wall.

John starts messing around inside the hole Teal'c made, rewiring things and whatnot. "I have no idea what I'm doing!"

"Well, hurry up!" Jool says, watching the washing machine move further and further with every bang on the door.

One of the ladies starts clawing her way in through the crack in the door, a crazy look in her eyes and a big smile on her face.

"Go, go, go! We have to go now!" Vala exclaims, repeatedly shoving Daniel into the elevator door.

"Vala, it's not open yet!" Daniel says.

Then the door slides open and Daniel is flung inside. Everyone else crams in behind him.

John frantically pushes buttons as the lady makes her way across the room. "Come on, come oooon."

Braca tries to slow her down by squirting soap in her eyes. He totally misses, but it lands at her feet and she slips to the ground. John manages to get the door closed and the elevator starts going up.

"That was way harder than it had to be," Cam says.

"I wonder where it's taking us," Sikozu says.

"Anywhere is better than back there with that mob of look-alike ladies trying to fry our brains," John says.

The elevator stops and the door opens to a big room filled with the ladies, each of them wielding a weapon in the form of surgical scissors and syringes. They all turn their disturbingly happy smiling faces toward the elevator.

"Frell, frell, no no no, come on, close." John is slamming his hand into the buttons, trying to get the doors to close as the ladies all start coming toward them.

"Close it! Close it now!" Ba'al demands.

"What do you think I'm doing, peeling a banana?!" John replies.

"Move! I can do it better!" Ba'al shoves John aside and attacks the buttons. The door closes and the elevator continues upward.

They ride in an awkward, stunned silence until the elevator finally comes to a stop and the door opens again. Outside is an empty room with red walls, red carpets, and lots of fancy red furniture.

Stark cautiously peeks out and looks around. "It doesn't smell right," he decides.

Cam pushes his way out into the overly red room. "At least there's nobody here."

"That's because they're all dead," Stark says quietly.

"Um, okay then…" Cam says, weirded out.

"Stark, cut the freaky talk," John says, joining Cam in his scrutiny of the room. "Any ways out?"

"There are no windows," Aeryn notices.

"There is a hallway through here," Teal'c announces, standing in an opening with no door.

Everyone warily follows Teal'c down the hall and into another room, this one set up as a dining area. They all stop short when they see a man crouched on the back of a red sofa. He stares at them blankly, slobbering.

"Don't worry," Chiana says unsurely in a shaky voice. "He's just a drooling hingemot. Probably mind-frelled grotless."

They nervously cross the room and the man's eyes follow them creepily. They go through another opening into a room with more fancy velvet furniture and soft red carpet. Scattered all over the couches and floor are body parts.

There are no more doors, no windows, no escape.

"We have to go back in the elevator," Ba'al says, trying to pretend he's not disturbed at the scene before him.

The mind-frelled prisoner watches blankly as they speed-walk through the dining room. As they're all crowding back into the elevator, Daniel starts shouting, "Hurry, go! Go! He's coming, and he has a knife!"

Everyone rushes inside in a panic. Just as the elevator doors are closing, the mental patient jumps through. Jool shrieks. The lights go out.

There is screaming, and shoving, people running into one another and falling on top of each other.

"Where is he! I can't see!" Chiana cries out.

"We need a light!" Cam yells, feeling around blindly and smacking his hands into people's heads.

"Use Stark's face!" John says as he's getting smushed up against a wall. "Stark where are you!"

"On the ground somewhere, I don't know!" Stark replies.

"I feel the knife!" Aeryn says.

"Oh god, you got stabbed!?" John yells.

"No, in my hands!" Aeryn says. "But he's fighting me for it and I can't see!"

"Stark, take your mask off!" Sikozu orders right before an elbow smashes into her nose.

"I'm trying!" Stark replies from the floor. Soon the elevator is filled with the glow from Stark's face.

Aeryn is trying to wrestle the knife away. Teal'c tries to go help her but he trips over Braca, whose head is currently pinned to the ground beneath Jool.

Aeryn twists the knife back toward the fahrbot prisoner and plunges it into his forehead. He topples over to the ground on top of Chiana, who yelps and scrambles out from underneath him, then kicks him to make sure he's dead.

"I'm glad that's over," Daniel says.

Then the elevator drops. Everyone is pinned to the ceiling as it falls uncontrollably. They all crash to the floor when it suddenly stops.

Cam rubs his shoulder as he gets up. "I'll be grateful if _that_ doesn't happen again."

It happens again. They all end up on the floor once more. This time they stay down, expecting another drop, but the door opens instead.

They all scramble over each other out the door. A bunch of cheerfully smiling faces turn toward the pile of escaping prisoners on the ground.

"Oh frell," Chiana mutters.

Everyone jumps to their feet and starts backing up as the ladies advance, surrounding them.

"Scary broken elevator, or crazy ladies ready to screw up our heads?" Cam says.

Scary broken elevator," John chooses.

They all board the elevator again. A lady jumps in right before the doors close and the elevator takes off sideways.

"Or we could have both!" Cam exclaims, trying to hold back a syringe aimed for his head. He is forced to the ground, the lady on top of him, her bright smile menacing in the light of Stark's face.

Teal'c shoves her with all his might but she doesn't shift a single henta. The syringe gets dangerously close to Cam's forehead, and he grunts in his futile attempts to escape. Scorpius lunges forward and bites the lady's neck. She twitches and then goes limp. Cam quickly gets to his feet.

"I told you to try biting them" Scorpius says smugly. "That's number one in the Peacekeeper rulebook."

"Actually it's number seven, sir," Braca tells him.

"Ah yes. My mistake. Thank you, Braca," Scorpius says.

"You're welcome, sir."

The elevator halts its sideways journey and the door opens to a thankfully empty room. Everyone creeps out, and then the elevator leaves without them.

"There's no turning back now," Daniel says.

The long corridor beyond the door is also empty, and at the very end is a large window to the outside. 

"There's our way out," Vala says quietly.

They suspiciously watch every door on their way down the hall. They are almost to the window when the very last door flings open in front of them and a grinning lady leaps out.

"Kirk chop!" John shouts, and he chops his hand into the side of her neck. She falls spazzing to the ground and then goes still.

"Okay, now how do we open this window?" Sikozu asks.

Nobody has an answer to that because they don't see any possible way of opening the window. There is a loud sound from somewhere down the hall.

"We better hurry up before they find us here," Ba'al says.

Braca suddenly scoops Aeryn up in his arms and violently throws her at the window. It shatters.

"What the heck, man!" John exclaims, jumping out the window after Aeryn. (Good thing they're on the bottom floor)

"Anything can be used as a weapon," Braca states. " _That's_ rule number one."

"Very good, Braca," Scorpius says.

"Thank you, sir."

"That doesn't even _sound_ like a rule," Cam says.

"Braca's right," Aeryn says as John helps her up. "It was good thinking."

"For a Sebacean," Jool mumbles.

Aeryn glares at Jool 'cause she totally heard that. "It worked, didn't it. Now get all your slow butts out here so we can leave this frelling place."

They do that. They crew of Moya and the villains part ways when they reach their ships.

"We need to stop meeting this way, John," Scorpius says. "Seriously, it's hard to capture you when we always end up in situations where we need to work together."

"Uh yeah, bye Grasshopper," John says, hurrying away before Scorpius can change his mind about being nice today.

"See you around, John!" Scorpius calls after him.

"Hopefully not!" John shouts back.

They leave the planet and return to Moya, who quickly starbursts away.

"How was your trip?" Pilot asks.

John falls face-first onto his bed. "I'm never leaving Moya again."


	19. Again

Vala impatiently fidgets in her chair. Really loudly. And annoyingly.

"Vala, _please_ ," Daniel sighs.

Vala leans over real slow so her chair _creeeeaaaks_ until she's right next to Daniel's ear. "Please what."

"Please go bother someone else," Daniel says, rubbing his eyes under his glasses.

"But Daniel, I'm bored," Vala huffs.

"Sitting here harassing me isn't going to make you less bored," Daniel says. "Didn't you notice I was trying to find somewhere to be alone?"

"Why no, Daniel, I hadn't noticed," Vala says innocently (even though she had noticed).

Chiana randomly runs into the room. She stares at them for a microt and then slumps to the ground at Daniel's feet. "Nobody's doing anything fun," she mumbles.

They sit there for a few microns. Daniel wonders if he could sneak out without them noticing. Probably not.

Then Stark arrives to go sit in his usual corner. Daniel wouldn't mind him so much, if only Stark would stop incessantly staring at him for no reason. Either way, he is less annoying than Chiana, who is itching her back on Daniel's knee, and Vala, who isn't doing anything particularly irritating right now, but she still holds the top spot on Daniel's list of annoying people.

Then John makes a rather ungraceful entrance, colliding with a random chair. He apologizes. Then feels stupid for apologizing to a chair. Then acts like none of it ever happened as he goes to stand in front of a console, pretending to do something important.

Pretty soon, every single person aboard Moya is gathered in that room. Daniel wonders why he thought he could ever find alone time in Command.

Cam is the last to walk through the door. "What's up, Pilot?"

Pilot appears on the clamshell viewer. "Didn't you just ask me that thirty microts ago?"

"Maaaaybe…"

"Nothing is up, as you say," Pilot says. "We are traveling at hetch seven through open space, and Moya senses nothing unsual." Pilot sounds as if he has made that report a hundred times already.

Suddenly everyone is thrown to the ground.

"That occurs with great frequency," Teal'c says as he gets up.

"Pilot, what was that?" John asks.

"We seem to have hit something, but there's nothing there!" Pilot replies.

The ship groans and shakes around them.

"Is Moya okay?" Jool asks, probably more concerned with her own safety than the Leviathan's.

"Moya is stuck," Pilot answers.

Everyone waits for more of an explanation.

"Uh, stuck in what, Pilot?" Sikozu asks.

"I don't know!" Pilot sounds terrified. "Just stuck! In something that's not there!"

"Keep your dren together, Pilot," Aeryn orders. "Maybe Moya can back out?"

"She tried," Pilot replies after he has sufficiently gotten his dren back together. "It's not working."

"Could it be the flax?" John asks.

"I don't know…No!" Pilot says, frantically working at his console.

John considers it thoughtfully. "You sure? 'Cause it seems like the flax, and you need to calm dow-"

"It's not the flax!" Pilot cries out.

"Dude, I'm serious, panicking will not help you escape the flax. Trust me, I've tried," John informs him calmly.

"Commander Crichton, it is not the flax! I would appreciate if you would shut-"

Pilot is interrupted by someone appearing on the screen. "Hello. You are trapped in the flax," says the Xenetan pirate.

"Told ya," John says. Pilot grumbles.

"Now is not the time for blame, guys," Cam tells them. "We are trapped. _Again_."

"Like, _again_ again," says Chiana.

"Ahem," says the Xenetan pirate.

"Oh yeah. And what do we have to do to get out?" Cam asks in his most bored voice.

"You must give me all your money," the pirate demands.

"All right, come aboard and get it then," Cam says.

"No, you will load it up on a transport pod and send it out to me," the pirate replies. "Only then will I set you free. If you do not send it, I will simply wait for you to starve to death." Then the screen goes off.

"Hmm," says John. "This guy's got it all figured out, doesn't he?"

"We'll just have to find out how to get out of this flax," Cam says.

"Good luck with that," Aeryn says. "There's no way to escape the flax."

"Don't be that way, Aeryn, I've escaped before," John says. Then he gives her a look. "You were right there with me, what are you talking about?"

"We were rescued," Aeryn says. "Who's going to rescue us now?"

John's mouth opens and closes a few times. Aeryn thinks it makes him look even more dumb than usual. John just shrugs when he fails to come up with an answer to their predicament.

"Doesn't the flax shut off when the Xenetan's ship is destroyed?" Chiana asks.

"How are we gonna destroy it? We have no weapons." Jool says.

"Aaand back to square one," Cam says.

"Square one?" Stark asks.

"You know, back where we started," Cam says.

"Why is it a square though," Stark wonders.

"It's not, it's…just…ideas, anyone?" Cam changes the subject.

"Has anyone considered just doing what the pirate said?" Daniel suggests.

"He wants all our money!" Vala looks as if the very idea might give her a heart attack.

"It's either hand over the money or slowly starve to death," Daniel says.

"Daniel has a good point," Cam says. "Is everyone agreed, this is the best plan?"

"No," Vala and Chiana say.

"Let's go load up the pod then." Cam leads them all out into the corridor.

"Are we at square two yet?" Stark asks.

"Um, sure, I guess so," Cam replies.

"How many squares are there?"

"Uh…"

"That's enough about the squares, Astro," John says. He drags Stark by his coat and shoves him to the back of the group.

"But…our money…" Chiana says heartbrokenly as she helps transfer all their currency into the transport pod.

"Don't be such a greedy fekik, we can always get more," Sikozu says.

Once they space the pod, everyone returns to Command to await their freedom. The Xenetan pirate appears on the screen and says, "You did the right thing."

"Yeah, we did exactly what you wanted," John says. "Now let us go."

"I don't think so," the pirate says with a wicked grin.

"What!" Stark exclaims. "But you said!"

"I've decided I want your ship too," the pirate says. "I'll do this the easy way and wait for you all to die off, then take it for myself. I have all the time in the universe. You don't." The screen goes off.

Well, dren," Jool says.

"So we gave away all our money for no reason," Vala pouts.

"I believe that is the least of our worries at the moment," Teal'c says.

"What do we do now?" Aeryn asks.

"Scorpius just came on board!" Pilot announces.

"How does he _do_ that?" John asks as he stomps out into the corridor. "…and _now_ of all times…"

They meet up with Scorpius, Ba'al, and Braca just outside the cargo bay.

"Hello, John," Scorpius greets with a menacing smile.

"Uh-uh, Scorpy, I don't have time for you right now," John says. He sticks his pulse pistol in Scorpius' face. "Now you're gonna tell Winona what you expect to accomplish here."

"What do you think, John," Scorpius replies way too confidently. He holds up a round, white sphere.

"What is that, put that down," John demands, jerking his gun closer to Scorpius' forehead. "Drop it!"

"If you insist." Scorpius drops the sphere and it explodes upon hitting the ground. Electricity shoots across the floor and the crew of Moya fall unconscious to the deck. Ba'al goes down as well.

Scorpius stares at the unresponsive Ba'al for a microt. "It appears he forgot to wear the special boots."

"I told him to, sir," Braca says.

"No matter. Tie them up good, Braca, then bring them to Command. I will begin taking over this Leviathan," Scorpius says.

"Yes, sir."

 _ **One Arn Later**_

Everyone slowly wakes up to find themselves restrained on the floor of Command. Scorpius goes from console to console, transferring control to himself.

John struggles in his handcuffs. "Let us go, Grasshopper."

"Why would I do that?" Scorpius replies. "I finally have what I want. You and the Stargate. Wormhole technology is _mine_. Control of Moya is a nice bonus."

"Pilot will never let you take over!" Chiana says.

Braca walks in. "I've tied Pilot up, sir. He won't be bothering us anymore."

Scorpius smirks victoriously at his captives.

"Man, what is with the bad guys and their surprisingly good plans today," Cam says.

"There is something wrong with Scorpy's plan," Stark says.

"Oh really?" Scorpius asks. "And what would that be, Stark?"

"I'm not telling you," Stark says.

"Tell me," Scorpius growls in Stark's face.

"Sir, we can't move," Braca interrupts.

Scorpius turns away from what was probably going to become a torture session. "What?"

"No matter what I do, the Leviathan can't seem to leave this spot," Braca reports.

Scorpius grabs John by the shirt. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do nothin', Scorp," John replies.

"Then why can't we move?" Scorpius says, shaking John.

"Don't tell him," Stark whispers.

John smiles innocently. Scorpius throws him down just as Ba'al is walking in.

"Are we finished yet?" Ba'al asks, pretending like he didn't get knocked out because he forgot to put on the special boots.

"The Leviathan cannot move, and they won't tell me why," Scorpius grumbles.

Ba'al holds up his Goa'uld hand device. "I can make them tell."

"Have fun," Scorpius says.

"Woah, okay, no need for that," Daniel says. "We're stuck in the flax."

Scorpius looks disappointed. "That's inconvenient."

"Can I still torture one?" Ba'al asks hopefully.

"Go ahead," Scorpius says.

"No, wait, we have a plan," Cam says quickly as Ba'al walks toward them threateningly. "You'll never escape the flax without our brilliant plan that we worked on for hours."

"Then I will torture it out of you," Ba'al says.

"Shoot, no! We'll tell you!" Cam says. "Our plan is…guys, what's our plan."

Ba'al is nearly upon them now.

"Don't!" Vala says. "We'll only tell you if you don't torture us!"

"That destroys the whole point of torture…" Ba'al says.

Suddenly there is a bright flash on screen as the Xenetan pirate ship is destroyed. Released from the flax, Moya flees and everyone is thrown off balance. Especially Ba'al.

"Sir, we are moving again," Braca reports.

"Yes, I can see that, Braca," Scorpius replies. "Take over manual control and return to the Command Carrier."

"Yes, sir." Braca gets to work.

"See, that was our plan," Cam says, referring to the explosion that they had absolutely nothing to do with.

"You're plan worked in our favor," Ba'al says, "since we now have full control of your ship."

"Yeah, well…you haven't seen part two yet," Cam replies.

"You might not even survive part two," John adds.

Ba'al takes yet another step toward them, intent on his torture plans for the day.

"Someone has boarded," Scorpius says. "Ba'al, go take care of it."

"But I just got done crossing the room to torture them!" Ba'al says.

"You could have been finished by now if you'd walked a little faster," Scorpius says.

"I had to do my intimidating slow, evil walk," Ba'al tells him.

"One intruder. Go," Scorpius orders.

"You're not the boss of me. I am a god!" Ba'al declares.

"We both agreed I would be in charge of this mission," Scorpius argues. "You can be the god next time! Which there might not be a next time if you don't go handle that intruder right now!"

Ba'al grumbles and stomps out at a much quicker pace than his intimidating slow, evil walk.

After a couple microns of awkward silence, D'Argo barges onto Command with an unconscious Ba'al. He takes out the two Peacekeepers with his Qualta blade, then restrains the villains and unties his friends.

"Yooo, D'Argo!" John exclaims. "Who's the man?"

D'Argo looks around. "Uh…Chiana?"

"What? No!" John says. "You the man, D!" John goes for a fist bump. D'Argo goes for a chest bump. They manage to make it look good.

The villains wake up in handcuffs.

"See, _that_ was part two," Cam says. "Now have fun waiting for your Carrier to come pick you up." They eject the Marauder and starburst away.

"Not such a good day for the bad guys, after all," John says.


	20. Road Trip of Hezmana

"We will find you, John," Scorpius' voice echoes in the narrow tunnels, making him sound close and far away at the same time.

The crew of Moya sneaks quietly through the never ending maze of twisty-turny passageways.

"Why do we always end up trapped?" Sikozu huffs.

"We're not trapped this time," Cam tells her. "…we're lost."

"With the bad guys on our butts as usual," John adds.

"They're going to find us eventually," Stark mumbles discouragingly. "They always do."

"Do not give up," Teal'c says. "These underground tunnels are extensive, but there is still a chance we might escape."

"But they have scanning devices. And weapons," Aeryn points out.

"I thought you said the rocks on this planet interfere with the scanners," Daniel says. "That's why we left ours on the transport pod."

"Yes, but a frelled-up scanner is better than none at all," Aeryn replies. "And we weren't exactly planning on coming down here until they showed up."

"So they have an advantage," Cam says. "We can still give them a run for their money."

Jool slumps at the back of the group. "But I don't feel like running."

"I'll run for the money," Vala says.

"That is not what I meant," Cam mutters, and John takes the responsibility of explaining the phrase to them. He's quite used to it by now.

As they cautiously walk through the rocky tunnels, they hear the sound of somewhat distant arguing.

"That sounded closer than last time," Chiana whispers.

"Don't worry. If they find us, I will fight them off," D'Argo says confidently.

"With what?" Chiana asks.

"With my bare hands," D'Argo replies. "And my tongue."

Having not yet witnessed this particular talent of D'Argo's, Daniel turns a confused and disturbed look toward the Luxan.

"I can't believe we didn't bring weapons," Aeryn says.

"There wasn't supposed to be any trouble on this uninhabited rock," Sikozu says.

"You'd think we'd have learned by now that trouble is waiting for us around every corner," John says. He turns a corner and runs into Ba'al. Hardly even two microts pass before all John can see is Braca's pulse pistol.

"Nobody try anything or I'll shoot his face off," Braca growls.

"No you will not, Braca," Scorpius says calmly.

"I won't, sir?" Braca asks.

"Choose someone with less wormhole information to shoot the face off of."

"Of course, sir." Braca moves his aim toward Jool. Ba'al and Scorpius each have their weapons trained on other less knowledgeable members of Moya's crew.

"You will come with us or some of you won't be going anywhere at all," Scorpius says.

"Okay, okay, enough threats," Cam says. "We get it."

After checking them for weapons, Braca motions the captives to walk in front.

"So where are we going?" Daniel asks conversationally.

"Back to my Command Carrier where you will each get a turn in my Aurora chair," Scorpius replies. "You'll like that, won't you Stark?"

Stark nods and laughs nervously.

"Leave him alone," John says.

Scorpius ignores John. "Those of you who resist the chair will spend time in Ba'al's new torture chamber that I gave him."

Ba'al smiles menacingly.

"Whichever way, I will obtain all the useful information from your brains," Scorpius says.

"Then what?" Vala asks, not sure she wants to know.

"Then you will be dead."

 _ **Two Arns Later**_

They are still lost in the tunnels.

"This frelling thing is not working!" Scorpius growls as he violently shakes the scanner. It goes blank and he flings it at a wall. It bounces off and smacks him in the face.

Vala snorts as she tries to hold back her laughter.

"I should have thrown that at your head," Scorpius grumbles.

"We'll help you if you promise to let us go," John says hopefully.

"I'm not doing that again, John," Scorpius replies. "I doubt you have anything to contribute since all these tunnels look the same."

They round a corner and Scorpius finds himself at the edge of a drop. Before he can warn them everyone else runs into him. They all go tumbling down a steep metal slide that seems out of place in the old, dusty underground tunnels. They land in a heap at the bottom and a heavy metal door drops over the exit of the slide.

"Well, that was new," Daniel says.

"What the frell was that even doing there?" Chiana wonders.

The place they are in now is a cavernous tunnel big enough for even Moya to fit into. A huge metal gate stands about two metras away, blocking the only path available.

They are still standing there in stunned uncertainty when a guy with a knife attacks Jool. "Give me all your currency!" he demands.

Jool screams and flails, accidentally elbowing him in the face. She runs to hide behind Teal'c and the guy lunges for John. Scorpius grabs him by the neck before he can reach his target and twists the knife from his hand.

"Where are we?" Scorpius asks.

"I don't know," the guy answers.

Scorpius flings him to the ground and motions to Braca. Braca aims his pulse pistol at their attacker.

"I'm telling the truth! I really don't know!" the guy says frantically. "Nobody does."

D'Argo growls warningly at the other beings lurking in the shadows, looking to steal whatever they can get their hands on.

"How do we get outta here?" Cam asks.

The guy cowers on the ground.

Scorpius steps closer. "You better start talking or the lieutenant will shoot your leg off."

"Th-the only way out is to gain passage on the traick," the guy blurts out quickly. "But if you have no money you're stuck here with the rest of us."

Scorpius glares at him, then motions Braca to stand down. The guy scrambles into the darkness at the edge of the cavern.

"He spoke the truth," Scorpius tells them.

"What do we do?" Chiana asks. "We _don't_ have any money."

John holds out his hand. "Looks like we're gonna have to work together after all."

Scorpius stares at him.

"C'mon Scorp, we have to join forces," John says. "What's the point of having us as prisoner if we're stuck here for the rest of our lives? Or escaping without us, I know you don't want that."

Scorpius sighs and grudgingly takes John's hand. "You're right, Crichton. I don't."

Just then the giant gate slides open and a very big machine rolls through. They watch as the long vehicle turns and stops in front of the gate, which is guarded by an impressive number of soldiers. Nothing more happens.

"That must be the traick," Daniel says.

"So what's our plan," John says.

"I say we steal this traick and use it to find our way out of here," Ba'al suggests.

"How about we try talking to them before we go to such extreme measures," Cam says.

"We have no currency, they will not listen to us," D'Argo says. "We have a much better chance of stealing it for ourselves."

"Look at all those soldiers," John says. "You expect to go up against them with two pulse pistols, a weird hand device thingy, and a knife?"

D'Argo thinks about it for a microt. "Yes."

"I vote for stealing the traick," Braca says, and Scorpius nods in agreement.

"Me too," Aeryn says.

"I vote for talking," Daniel says.

"I vote for stealing," Stark says.

"Guys, no, we are not holding a vote," Cam cuts in.

"You only say that because your side is losing," Ba'al says smugly.

"There are no sides, we're all in this together. We'll compromise," Cam offers. "We try talking first, and if it goes south we try to steal the traick."

Aeryn looks confused. "What do planetary directions have to do with-"

"Wrong. If it goes _wrong_ , okay?" Cam interrupts.

"Fine, we try it your way," Scorpius says.

They approach the traick. The soldier standing beside it gets straight to the point. "Do you have currency?"

"No, but we'd like to-" Daniel begins.

"Then you have no business here."

"Okay, but can you at least tell us how to-" But before Daniel can finish, Braca shoots the soldier.

"Move in, go!" Braca orders.

Scorpius shoots down three more soldiers, and Ba'al flings another with his hand device. Aeryn knocks a couple out while D'Argo and Teal'c plow through the wave of soldiers. They all rush onto the traick and close the door, quickly locking it. Soldiers bang on it from outside.

As Daniel, John, and Jool try to figure out how to work their new ride, Cam turns to Braca. "You kinda jumped the gun there, didn't you?"

"I didn't jump a gun, what are you talking about?" Braca says.

Cam facepalms. "I'm never using figures of speech around you people again," he mutters. "You shot him before we were finished talking!"

"They were obviously not going to help us," Braca replies.

"You didn't give us a _chance_ ," Cam says.

The traick lurches into motion. "We've got it!" Jool announces.

D'Argo squeezes into the small compartment that holds the controls, along with John, Jool, and Daniel. "Can it go any faster?"

"Yes, but there are people in the way," Daniel answers.

"Go faster," D'Argo says. "They will move."

John peers out the front window at the line of guards that look like they have absolutely no intention of moving. "And what if they don't?"

"Then they will be crushed," D'Argo says. "Go faster." He reaches for the speed lever.

John reaches for it too. "Now hold on, man…"

Vala inconveniently shoves into the tiny room. "I wanna drive."

"Now now, Vala, the grown-ups are talking," Daniel says, trying to keep her reaching hands away from any important controls.

"Ex _cuse_ me, Daniel, I may not be an old man like you, but I'm certainly grown-up," Vala replies.

"What? Vala! I'm not…just get out!" Daniel pushes her toward the door as the "grown-ups" childishly fight for control of the speed lever.

"I wanna drive!" Chiana says, blocking the door.

"No, both of you, out." Daniel forces them out into the corridor. D'Argo has apparently won control of the speed lever because the traick speeds up.

"We're through the gate!" Jool calls out.

"On our way outta here," Cam says.

"Finally," John adds as he exits the cramped control room.

"When can I drive?" Chiana asks.

"You'll have to talk to D'Argo about that," John tells her. Chiana takes one glance at the grumpy Luxan and decides to pass.

After searching a few of the other tiny rooms, everyone stands awkwardly in the corridor.

"So…" Cam claps his hands together too loudly. Ba'al stares at him.

John bounces on his toes. Teal'c scrutinizes a crack in the wall. Vala starts to play with the zipper on Daniel's jacket. Daniel attempts to move her hands to her own jacket. Scorpius sniffs the air and Stark gives him a wary look.

"How long till we get there?" Sikozu asks.

"Nobody knows, Sputnik," John replies. "Could be a while, so everyone get comfy."

"But I don't want to be in here with _them_ ," Stark whispers, glancing back at the Peacekeepers.

"We have a truce, Astro," John tells him. "You're gonna have to deal."

"But…they're _evil_ ," Stark says. "Who knows what they might do when we're not looking!"

"How do we know _you_ won'tkill _us_ when our backs are turned?" Ba'al asks suspiciously.

"You don't," Stark says threateningly.

"Woah, stop that. We're just gonna have to trust each other," Cam says.

"And behave ourselves," John adds, pointing at Stark and giving everyone else a look.

Stark crouches in a corner to watch them all. Aeryn and Braca are in the middle of a glaring contest. Teal'c and Ba'al give each other angry looks as they edge past each other.

Cam sighs. "This is gonna be a loooong trip."

 _ **Half a Solar Day into their Journey**_

"Come on, D'Argo," Vala whines in D'Argo's ear or tenka or whatever the frell he hears with. "You've been driving since we stole the traick. Let me have a turn!"

"No. You do not know how to drive it," D'Argo replies.

"Says who."

"Says me," D'Argo answers. "You are a human like Crichton, and he can barely be trusted to drive his own module."

"I heard that!" John yells from elsewhere on the traick.

"No, I'm not Tau'ri, I'm smarter. Let me drive!" Vala says.

"Now I know you are definitely human because I don't understand a thing you are saying," D'Argo says. "Now leave."

Vala huffs out of the room, shoving past John in the doorway. "She has a point, D," John says. "You should let someone else drive before you pass out from exhaustion."

"John, you would probably crash into the cavern wall and kill us," D'Argo says.

"Gee, thanks for having faith in me," John says. "Fine, who do you trust enough to drive this thing?"

After finally convincing D'Argo to hand control over to his fellow warrior, Teal'c, and get some rest, John joins Cam in another small compartment. This one seems to be a place for eating. Earlier, Sikozu found a refrigeration unit at the back of the traick stocked up with food.

Chiana comes in with a plate. "Who wants food cubes!" she says.

"I'm good," Cam says.

Chiana holds the plate out to him. "Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything since we arrived on this planet. You must be hungry."

Cam pushes the plate away.

"You really should have some." Chiana is cheerfully persistant. Annoyingly persistant.

Kind of…suspicious, Cam thinks. "What did you do to the food cubes?" he asks.

"What? I didn't do anything to them!" Chiana replies.

Cam picks up a food cube and sniffs it. "Really? You didn't spit on them or anything?"

"Why would I do that?" Chiana asks. She throws the plate into Cam's hands, scattering some food cubes on the floor. "Go ahead and die of starvation then!" she exclaims before storming out the door.

Cam and John sit there in silence for a microt. Cam starts nibbling on a food cube. "How can we trust the bad guys when we barely trust each other?"

John shrugs thoughtfully.

"I should go apologize," Cam says. He takes another bite. "After lunch."

 _ **A Couple of Long, Dragging Arns Later**_

The scenery out the front window is unchanging in the rocky cavern. It is quite boring, so Teal'c has been meditating while driving. Don't tell the others. It's probably dangerous. His meditation is interrupted when Stark comes in.

"Are we there yet?" Stark asks. It is the fifty-seventh time someone has asked that. Teal'c counted.

"You will know when we get there," Teal'c responds.

"How?" Stark asks as he slowly sneaks inside Teal'c's personal space bubble. "How will I know?"

"Because we will be there," Teal'c tells him.

This satisfies Stark and he leaves to probably go squint suspiciously at Scorpius from a not-so-hidden hiding place. Teal'c is six seconds into his next meditating session when he is interrupted yet again.

This time it is Vala, and she wastes no time getting into his personal space bubble. "Are we there yet?"

Fifty-eight.

Teal'c sighs.

 _ **Somewhere Else on the Traick**_

Cam finds himself sitting with Aeryn and Braca. Daniel's here too but he might as well not be, he's so deep into his study of some artifacts he found in a compartment.

D'Argo's snores can be heard through the wall. Braca is polishing his pulse pistol while making a point to ignore Aeryn. Aeryn ignores him back. Cam is so bored he starts counting the seconds between D'Argo's snores.

One…two…three… _snore_. One…two…three… _snore_. One…two…three…four…five…oh god, he stopped breathing… _snore_ …oh, nevermind.

Jool walks in and Cam perks up at the chance to actually have a conversation. His hopes are soon crushed when Jool passes by him to join Daniel in archeologist heaven. Cam sneaks away to go see if Teal'c will let him drive.

 _ **An Indeterminate Amount of Time Later**_

Chiana groans. "How long is this road. It's been like a thousand arns!"

"It hasn't been quite that long," Scorpius says randomly.

"Who asked you," Chiana grumbles.

Scorpius growls. Teal'c protectively towers over Chiana.

D'Argo walks in, finally finished his nap. He stumbles when the traick jerks to the side. "Who's driving this thing?"

"Colonel Mitchell and John Crichton," Teal'c replies.

"What?" D'Argo exclaims. "One Crichton is bad enough, but you let _two_ drive?!"

Scorpius snorts in amusement.

"When they crash and _you_ die, _I_ will be the one laughing," D'Argo says before he stomps his way down the corridor. He goes sprawling when the traick makes a sudden stop. Ba'al's plate of food cubes joins him on the floor. D'Argo growls as he barges into the control room.

 _ **A Few Microns Later**_

Vala pokes her head into the compartment that contains Daniel and a pile of artifacts. "Hey Daniel, we made it," she says.

"Uh-huh," Daniel mumbles without looking up.

"The tunnel led right to the surface," Vala tells him.

"Mm-hmm."

"Cam thinks we should move our butts before Scorpius and Ba'al decide to start pointing guns at our heads again."

"Uh-huh."

"Well, come on then."

"Uh-huh."

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

"Mmm."

"Wanna make out?"

"Mm-hmm."

Vala smiles mischievously.

Daniel finally looks up. "Wait, what?"

"We're here, Daniel," Vala says.

"We are?"

"And you said you wanted to make out with me."

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did, now hurry up, Cam says we gotta go," Vala says.

"Right." Daniel rushes to shove all his precious ancient treasures into his pockets. When he runs out of room he fills Vala's pockets too. Vala doesn't mind one bit. She saw a few expensive-looking shiny things in that pile; it will be so much easier to…borrow them from her own pockets instead of Daniel's. But not as much fun…

They quickly join the others and ditch the villains.

Cam stares out into the rocky wasteland before them. "Anyone remember where we parked?"


	21. The Mysterious Ocean

"I ask that you _please_ be careful with the transport pod," Pilot pleads as the crew prepares to leave. "It is the last one we have at the moment, and it takes time and resources for Moya to grow more."

"Relax Pilot, we'll bring it back in one piece," John assures him. "Hasn't it survived the last four trips?"

"Well, yes, but you have lost two before that," Pilot replies. "You were fortunate that you did not lose your lives as well. And now to let someone inexperienced…"

"Everyone here needs to learn how to pilot one of these things, just in case," John tells him. "Chill, man. It's just a little flight lesson. What could go wrong?"

 _ **Barely Even One Arn Later**_

"That wasn't my fault," Vala says for the third time as they watch the transport pod sink into the ocean.

"It was nobody's fault," Cam says. "That Marauder showed up out of nowhere."

After being shot at during Vala's first piloting session on the pod, they managed to get the failing ship to a planet. Once they'd escaped the sinking pod, they swam to shallow water and watched from a safe distance.

"Do you think Scorpius and Ba'al know where we are?" Chiana asks.

"We rammed them pretty good," John says. "They might be too damaged to come after us."

The transport pod explodes, lighting up the dark sky. Even from the great distance, waves from the explosion reach the group, and Stark stumbles backward into the wall that stands behind them. Oh, wait, that's Teal'c.

There _is_ a wall behind them though, a very big, ugly, dirty wall. If there is a beach on the other side, they do not know. What they do know is that they are stuck standing in waist-deep water with not a grain of dry sand in sight.

Daniel runs a hand through his wet hair, still gazing out toward where the pod used to be. "How are we going to get out of this one?"

"We must see what is on the other side of this wall," D'Argo says. He aims his weapon.

When the transport pod first crashed and began sinking, D'Argo was faced with the choice to rescue either Sikozu or his Qualta blade. He chose his Qualta blade. (Don't worry, Sikozu saved herself)

D'Argo blasts a chunk out of the wall, revealing that it is thicker than they thought. A few more shots and quite a bit of dust later, and the wall stands victorious with barely a mark.

D'Argo hiss-growls and jams his Qualta blade back in its sheath. "I'm not wasting any more power on that."

"We could try to climb over it," Aeryn says half-heartedly, looking way up to where the fog hides the top of the wall, wherever that might be.

"It is too high and too smooth," Teal'c observes.

"I can walk up walls," Sikozu mentions.

"And then leave us here?" Jool says. Sikozu gives her a look.

"We'll save that as a last resort," John says. "But we really should stick together."

"Maybe there's a door or a tunnel somewhere that leads through it," Daniel says.

"Only one way to find out," Cam says, and he leads them through the annoyingly waist-deep water along the wall.

A long, slow half an arn later, they come across a misshapen hole in the dirty grey wall.

"Hello!" Cam calls into it. His voice echoes. "This may be that tunnel we were looking for."

They cautiously enter the possible tunnel.

"Ew, it smells like dren in here," Jool complains.

"That's 'cause _you're_ in here," Chiana says, then laughs and leaps behind John to avoid a slap.

About a metra in, the tunnel makes a sharp left turn. The ground slopes up until it rises out of the water into a room. A dull, empty, dead-end room.

"There goes that plan," Sikozu says dejectedly.

"If there's one, there might be more," John says. "Even one that leads through this wall. But we're all tired from that swim. We should rest for the night."

"At least we found some dry…" Cam steps out of the water and mud squishes under his boot. "…dry _er_ ground."

"I'm hungry," Jool whines.

Seaweed litters the cave. Stark finds out the hard way that it is clingier and slimier than it looks.

"Don't eat that," John warns.

Stark drops the seaweed and discreetly wipes his slimy hand on the back of D'Argo's shirt.

Before the pod sank, they'd managed to save a single bag, which happened to be Chiana's, who happened to pack the thing full of food cubes for some reason. She claims it's because she's always prepared, but it's more likely that even _she_ doesn't know why she did it.

So after a dinner of food cubes (food mush, actually) they all try to find the least muddy spot on the ground and go to sleep.

 _ **The Next Morning**_

Vala wakes up, muddy and still a little damp, to notice something different about their cave. She makes the somewhat bad (but expected) decision to leave the cave and investigate alone.

When she runs back in, she shouts, "Hey, get up!" then proceeds to poke, prod, shake, nudge, and step on (accidentally, mind you) her friends until everyone is grudgingly rising from their mud nests.

"The water is gone!" Vala announces.

"Huh?" Daniel yawns and stares uncomprehendingly at her in a rather adorable way.

Stark is a little more awake (not that that's very helpful) "Where'd it go?"

Vala shrugs dramatically and bounces on her toes as she impatiently waits for the slowpokes. Stark jumps up and the two of them start to leave the cave.

"Uh-uh, nope." John drags Stark back by his coat. "Don't go anywhere by yourselves."

"Yeah, you don't know what's out there," Cam adds, stretching and trying to wipe some of the mud off.

Vala _does_ know what's out there, or rather what _isn't_ out there, but she decides not to mention her earlier expedition, settling instead for using her boots to make sucking noises in the mud.

Finally, everyone is up and venturing out of the hole in the wall.

"Uh, where's the ocean…" John wonders.

Confused stares look out over the vast expanse of nothingness where the ocean used to be.

"It's just…gone? A whole ocean?" Cam asks. "Standing here last night, it was up to my belly button, and now not a single centimeter of water. Where could it have gone?"

Aeryn certainly doesn't have the answer to that, but she does have a very important question of her own. "What's a belly button?"

Cam looks at her curiously. "What, Sebaceans don't have belly buttons?"

"Sure they do," John cuts in. "I think…" He reaches over and lifts up Aeryn's shirt a little. "There it is." He pokes Aeryn in the stomach. "That's your belly button, baby."

Now it's Aeryn's turn to poke it. "That is not a button, John."

"That's just what we call it," John explains.

Vala lifts her shirt up too. Daniel pulls it back down. "Vala, you're human. We all know you have one."

Vala pulls her shirt back up. "I'm allowed to look at my own belly button, Daniel."

Daniel sighs and moves away from her in case she wants to look at his next.

Stark investigates his own stomach. Chiana and Jool compare belly buttons. Teal'c lifts his shirt up just a tiny bit, then puts it back.

D'Argo considers doing the same, but quickly changes his mind back into its usual state of anger. "This is not important," he says loudly. "We should cross this new land where the water used to be and see what is on the other side." D'Argo begins to walk, leaving no opportunity for anyone to question his decision.

"Oookay, I guess that's our new plan," John says as everyone follows.

The ground gradually slopes down further and further as they walk. After three arns of squishing through the mud, it rises up again and the ground changes. Now they walk over small, slippery-smooth round rocks with bits of grass growing among them.

"What if the water comes back?" Jool asks.

Sikozu looks around. "Where would it come back from?"

Nobody has any idea, so they continue on in silence until Chiana asks, "What do we expect to find on the other side?"

"Transport back to Moya," D'Argo replies. "Or at least some form of communications so we can call Pilot, since our comms are frelled, as usual."

"I hope so," John says. "This ain't exactly a paradise planet that I'd wanna be stuck on for the rest of my life."

A few more tiring arns of trudging along brings them to yet another change in the ground. Now it is a red-brown springy, spongy substance.

"Did we make it to the other side yet?" Stark asks.

"We have no way of knowing," Daniel realizes.

"We'll just have to keep going until we find something useful," Cam says.

Three _more_ arns later they sky begins to get dark.

Sikozu looks down at the ground beneath her feet. Water seeps out of the spongy surface. "I think the water's coming back," she says.

Only one micron passes before the water is a samat deep and rising quickly. Pretty soon they are swimming instead of walking.

"What do we do?" Chiana asks.

"Nothing _to_ do except keep moving forward," John replies.

It is pitch black and they are completely wiped out when they finally reach land two arns later. Good, normal dry land with sand and grass and trees. The ocean has been fully restored and it laps peacefully at their feet.

John lies panting on the sand. "We can add 'walked across an ocean' to the list of impossible things we've done."

"I'm not sure that's an ocean," Daniel says thoughtfully.

"What is it then?" Aeryn asks.

"A mystery that we'll probably never solve," Daniel replies.

They are all so tired that they fall asleep right there sprawled on the beach. The next morning they wake to find that the ocean, or whatever it is, has disappeared once again. They decide not to question it and continue on in their search for a way off the planet.

 _ **Nearby on That Very Same Planet**_

The Marauder sits in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Scorpius and Ba'al are out looking for breakfast because, unlike some people, they _didn't_ pack a bag full of food cubes for no reason. Braca is left to do the repairs on their ship.

"This is tech work," Braca grumbles to himself as he welds certain things together that he hopes should be welded. "I am capable of such better things."

After a little while of struggling with wires and machinery and whatnot, Braca is finally done. He sits back on the Marauder's ramp and waits for Scorpius and Ba'al to return.

 _ **In the Bushes a Couple Metras Away**_

"Looks like he fixed it," John whispers. "Or he thinks he did…"

"I will shoot him," D'Argo whispers back. "Then we take the Marauder."

"We gotta be quick before Scorpius and Ba'al come running back after hearing weapons fire," John says.

D'Argo very quietly and carefully raises his Qualta blade and aims at Braca without making a sound or disturbing a single leaf. Okay, he _might_ have stepped on a berry, but who's gonna notice…

Braca's head snaps around toward the bushes, and he has his pulse pistol aimed directly at that spot before D'Argo can even blink. "Sir? Is that you?"

"Dren." D'Argo quickly retreats back to the rest of the group so he isn't seen.

John rushes off to the side and calls in his best Scorpy voice, "Over here, Lieutenant!"

Braca heads in John's direction. John silently hurries back, leaving Braca to wander the woods in search of his commander.

The crew of Moya race to the Marauder and squeeze inside. Aeryn lifts off and they are away from that planet before the bad guys can figure out what the frell is going on.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Upon hearing the Marauder's engines start up all by themselves, Braca runs back to the clearing in which he'd left it. It's gone. Scorpius and Ba'al return shortly after.

"Braca," Scorpius says patiently. "What happened to the Marauder?"

"I don't know, sir," Braca replies. "It seems to have left without us."

"There's only one explanation for this," Scorpius growls. "Crichton."

 _ **Back on Moya**_

"Where is the transport pod?" Pilot asks, sounding very much like a stern mother.

And his crew is sounding very much like the guilty children. "Vala did it!" John exclaims, remembering when it was his fault last time. (Pilot practically grounded him for a whole weeken)

"Did not!" Vala denies. "You _agreed_ that it wasn't my fault before!"

"It is now!" John dodges a lunge from Vala, and she chases after him down the corridor.

"I had nothing to do with it!" Stark says, trying to free himself of any blame.

"Aeryn did!" Chiana points accusingly (from a safe distance). "She was the one teaching Vala how to fly it!"

"Shut up, you, or I'll shoot your face off!" Aeryn runs after Chiana with her pulse pistol raised, looking like she might do just that.

Pilot sighs and shakes his head and lets them continue to behave like children until they pass out from exhaustion all over the ship.


	22. Return of that Random Bad Guy

"…and don't come back until you have the narium coils." These are Pilot's parting words as his crew exits Moya in D'Argo's ship, Lo'la.

" _Somebody_ woke up on the wrong side of the den," Cam mumbles.

"But he's always in the center of the den," Chiana says.

"Also he doesn't sleep," Aeryn mentions.

Stark tilts his head and looks curiously at Cam. "Which side is the wrong side?"

Cam sighs and silently regrets his choice of words. John helpfully jumps in and starts explaining but by then nobody's paying attention.

"What if there are no narium coils on this planet?" Jool asks.

"Then I guess we won't be going back to Moya," Sikozu says.

"Pilot didn't actually mean that," Daniel says. "…did he?"

"Nah," John says unconvincingly.

D'Argo expertly lands his beloved ship in a safe spot a little ways from the trade center. Everyone's preparing to set out but D'Argo remains in his chair, intently staring at the console.

"Yo, D, you comin'?" John asks.

"I am trying to decide if I should leave the ship cloaked or not," D'Argo replies, seeming to be in deep thought.

"Leave it cloaked," Vala butts in.

"Then how will we find it again?" Stark also butts in, making D'Argo even more indecisive.

"Easy," Vala says. "Throw rocks until you find it. Works everytime."

"Except that one time…" Daniel begins.

"We need never mention that one time again, Daniel," Vala says.

"Will you all shut up, you are not helping," D'Argo says. "I am not going to throw rocks at my ship." So he decides to leave the ship uncloaked and they all head to the trade center.

"Did you have to land so far away?" Jool whines from her usual spot at the back of the group.

"I landed only two metras from the trade center," D'Argo says. "We _should_ be there by now."

"Well where is it then?" Jool asks.

"Is that it over there?" Daniel points through the trees toward a huge black building.

Aeryn looks at it suspiciously. "That doesn't look like a trade center…"

"I don't see anything else around, that must be it," John says. "Come on."

As they get closer to the building the forest around them seems to grow darker and darker. Stark tries to point out this strange occurrence, but no one pays him any mind and they soon arrive on the front porch. A set of doors tower over them.

"This doesn't look like a trade center," Aeryn repeats her previous observation.

Cam reaches up and knocks on the door. It opens before them and on the other side is a pitch black emptiness with not a soul in sight. D'Argo takes one cautious step forward, but only one.

"Are we sure we want to go in there?" Daniel asks uncertainly.

"We need to get the parts for Moya," D'Argo replies, but he remains standing in the doorway.

John sucks it up and tries to step around D'Argo. "If you're too scared, I'll go first."

D'Argo hiss-growls and forces John back. "I'm not afraid, Crichton, you are." And with that brilliant comeback, he enters the dark building, weapon raised.

Once everyone is inside, the door slams shut. Panic. Chaos. And a few near-death experiences as Aeryn blindly shoots in the direction of the door.

"Somebody's locked us in!" Jool screams.

"Will you calm yourselves!" Vala shouts. " _I_ closed the door!"

"Why?!" Daniel asks in that exasperated voice that always seems to be directed at Vala.

Vala shrugs even though nobody can see her in the pitch blackness of wherever they are. "I'll just open it again if it'll make you happy," she says, feeling along the wall in search of the door handle.

They wait in the dark for thirty-four microts, and that is thirty-four microts too many as far as Sikozu is concerned.

"I'll find it. Move!" Sikozu gives Vala an excessively hard shove. Vala collides with two unidentified people, causing a sharp yelp from Stark.

Cam gets an idea. "Hey Stark, how about some light?" There is no response. "Stark?"

"Now is not the time for games, Astro," John says, feeling around in the darkness. But Stark still doesn't answer.

"What if he fell over and died!" Jool exclaims.

"Chill Princess, he probably didn't die," John says.

"Vala, did you knock Stark over?" Cam asks. When Vala doesn't reply either, the panic level begins to rise.

John's blind searching finds him nothing but a flailing elbow in the face. "Guys, flipping out ain't gonna get us nowhere."

By this time Sikozu has thoroughly searched the area where the door should have been. "It's like the door just disappeared."

"What do we do then?" Jool asks nervously. "Where do we go?"

"Check the other walls," Daniel suggests. "Maybe there's another way out."

They feel along every square dench of the other walls.

"Aha!" Chiana exclaims triumphantly.

"You found a way out?" Sikozu asks hopefully.

"Well no, but I found a light switch," Chiana says. "At least, I think it's a light switch…"

"Maybe you shouldn't touch it until you're sure," John says.

But of course Chiana doesn't listen, and the dark room is suddenly lit up. They all blink and squint in the sudden brightness.

"Stark and Vala are gone," Cam observes. "And so is Teal'c."

Aeryn swings her pulse rifle around as if that will help (it is more likely it will seriously injure someone) "There are no doors or windows or _anything_ ," she says. "Where could they have gone?"

"There _was_ a door." Daniel is back at the first wall, though there is obviously no door there. "But it's gone."

"Then we'll just have to make a new one," Aeryn says. She shoots a good amount (or maybe a bit too many) pulse blasts into the wall. When the smoke clears the wall is untouched. Not even the tiniest little scorch mark. "What _is_ this place?"

Since they are all turned toward where the wall should be crumbling to dust, they fail to notice what's going on behind them until they hear a door slam shut. They whirl around, but there is not a single door in sight. There _are_ , however, three new arrivals.

John groans. "Do you have to follow us _everywhere_? Even into trouble?"

Scorpius ignores him as he watches Braca attempt to shoot the wall down, with no success. Typical Peacekeeper.

"I can't believe you fell for this stupid trap," Cam mutters.

"It didn't look like a trap," Ba'al grumbles.

"Really? The fact that it's a dark, gloomy building all alone in the woods didn't even make you wonder?" Cam says.

"You fell for it too," Ba'al replies, and Cam finds himself the victim of a glare that could very well be able to melt the wall down.

John sighs. "Let's get right to it then. Truce?"

"Truce," Scorpius growls through his ugly teeth.

"Now that _that's_ over with, let's figure out where we are and how to get out," John says.

"And how to find Vala, Stark, and Teal'c," Cam adds.

Scorpius holds up a hand. "I agree to help find a way out," he says, "but your missing shipmates are of no concern to me."

John crosses his arms. "Does Braca concern you?"

Scorpius turns to his lieutenant. "Why would…" But Braca is not there. Scorpius turns his anger onto John. "If this is a trick of your doing…" he says menacingly, the front of John's shirt bunched up in his fist and Aeryn's pulse rifle at his head.

"No," says a disembodied voice. "It is mine."

"Who said that!" D'Argo demands.

"Why, me of course," the voice replies unhelpfully.

"Who are you!" D'Argo swings his blade through the air.

"I guess you will have to find out." The voice finishes with a laugh that fades away into silence.

"Wait! What did you do with our friends!" Chiana cries, but no answer comes forth. Instead, a section of previously solid wall slides away to reveal a hallway. They all approach it cautiously.

"This has bad idea written all over it," Cam says.

But with no other options, they enter the hallway. It is dimly lit and seems to go on forever until Ba'al bothers to look up and notice something strange. "These light fixtures on the wall," he says, studying one. "They are Goa'uld."

Daniel joins in on the close scrutiny. "Are you sure?"

"Quite certain," Ba'al replies, and he points to an inscription on the side. "This is unmistakably Goa'uld writing."

"Forget the wall lamps," Cam says. "Is that a Jaffa?"

Ba'al and Daniel turn to see a figure wearing a snake-shaped helmet mask thing coming at them from down the hall. Before anyone can react, it fires a pulse pistol, hitting Sikozu right in the forehead. Aeryn and D'Argo both shoot at it until it goes down with hole through its chest.

"What is a Jaffa doing with a pulse pistol?" Cam asks.

"I am more curious as to why a Jaffa is even _here_ ," Daniel says.

Ba'al finds himself the center of attention. He holds up his hands. "Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with this," he says. "Go on. Check its symbol. It won't be mine."

"We'll see about that," Cam says. He removes the helmet, but it is not a Goa'uld's mark on the Jaffa's head. It's the Peacekeeper symbol. "What the _heck_?"

Meanwhile, John is examining the unconscious Sikozu. "I saw her get shot in the head, but there's no wound or anything," he says disbelievingly. He gets an even bigger shock when she vanishes.

The unusual Jaffa vanishes too.

"What the frell is going on," Chiana says shakily.

"So you haven't figured it out yet?" the voice says, seeming to come from everywhere at once.

"I demand answers!" Ba'al says as he shakes his fist in the air.

"What would be the fun in that?" the voice replies. "And I _am_ having fun. No, no, you have to find out for yourselves." With this last sentence, the voice fades away and they are alone once again. Or are they…

They finally reach the end of the long hallway, which unexpectedly leads to a peaceful, sparkling lake with a magnificent waterfall that seems to cascade down from the stars.

"Are we outside now?" Jool asks. "This is a good thing, right?"

"Something tells me it's not…" Daniel says.

Cam gives a questioning look to the Goa'uld wall lamp that is attached to a random tree. "Something's still funky here."

"You can say that again," John says, and everyone walks through the bushes to join him.

Right by the water's edge sits a very specific chair, looking quite unnatural in the beauty of the serene location.

"How did my Aurora chair get here?" Scorpius asks.

The chair is guarded by two Peacekeeper soldiers carrying Jaffa staff weapons. They immediately attack despite orders from both Scorpius and Ba'al to stop.

Cam is shot before he can get to cover. He sprawls unconscious over the moss and a few microts later, disappears. John takes out one of the soldiers, and D'Argo skillfully handles the other one. They disappear as well.

"We lost Cam," Jool announces.

"I don't understand any of this," Aeryn says, overwhelmed.

"Things are getting _way_ too krastik," Chiana says, sounding like she's on the verge of panic.

"Where do we go from here?" John asks.

"There are some level risers in this cave," Scorpius calls.

They ascend the level risers and their confusion grows.

"This is my office back at Stargate Command," Daniel says.

Ba'al's attention is on the wall. "You have a Goa'uld Sarcophagus in your office?"

"And Kalish technology?" Scorpius indicates a line of high-tech consoles along another wall.

"Uh, no…" Daniel says distractedly. "And I definitely don't have _that_ in my office."

"That's a prowler," Aeryn says.

Scorpius notices the regristration number on the side of the small Peacekeeper ship. " _Braca's_ prowler." He slides the hatch back to reveal it is filled to the brim with shiny jewels and gold.

They all stare at each other in silent confusion, which only gets worse when they are suddenly driving go-karts in a race against Peacekeepers swinging staff weapons, and Jaffa wielding pulse pistols.

"What the frell!?" Chiana exclaims, disoriented by the abrupt change of pace and struggling to control her go-kart. Her wheel gets hit by a pulse blast and she flips off the road. She and her kart tumble down a hill to splash into a very inconvenient lake.

"This is Mario-Kart!" John shouts, dodging a shot from a staff weapon.

"This already doesn't make sense, Crichton, stop adding to the confusion!" Scorpius yells in frustration as he drives admirably well for having never driven a go-kart, or anything like it for that matter.

D'Argo, on the other hand, is doing impressively horrible. He veers sideways off a speed ramp to land in the river below. Far, far below. He isn't seen again.

"Chiana and D'Argo are gone!" Aeryn says when she finally catches up to John.

"Disappeared gone, or dead gone?" Jool asks, narrowly avoiding a Jaffa on a ramming trajectory.

"We don't have time to worry about that right now," John says. "Just focus on-"

The scene changes yet again to a peaceful farm in the countryside. No longer being chased by angry Peacekeepers and Jaffa, everyone halts their go-karts. Well, Ba'al ungracefully flips over and skids to a stop on his face, but it counts.

Cups of Jell-o grow in the field they are currently in. Scorpius glares distrustfully at the Jell-o.

Aeryn looks perplexed. "This is all magra-frodank," she says, uneasy with her inability to solve the situation by shooting her gun at it.

John watches a Luxan tending to the jell-o field using a staff weapon as a shovel. "It's almost like we're in a dream." Instead of jell-o, the farmer digs up a treasure chest full of gold. John snaps his fingers. "Or someone else's dream."

"What," Ba'al says, dusting himself off and hoping nobody noticed his earlier mishap.

"Think about it," John says. "How else would there be Goa'uld and Jaffa stuff all over the place, mismatched with Peacekeepers, video games, jell-o. And now this Luxan…"

"Are you saying these things are coming out of the minds of our missing friends?" Daniel asks.

"How is that possible?" Aeryn asks.

"Baby, in this corner of the universe, anything is possible," John says.

"So," the voice booms out of nowhere. "You figured it out."

"Yes, so you can let us go now," Daniel says hopefully. But he knows where this is headed.

"Oh, I never intended to let you go!" the voice replies. "I'm just having a little fun with my food."

"What," Scorpius growls.

"He's gonna eat us?" Jool whimpers.

A loud roar interrupts their moment of terror. They all turn to see a Peacekeeper with a pulse rifle in one hand and a staff weapon in the other, riding atop an unidentifiable monstrous beast. They quickly take off in their go-karts.

"As if a Peacekeeper loaded up with weapons wasn't bad enough…" Jool says. "Who the frell dreamed up that giant creature!"

"When in doubt, blame Vala," Daniel says.

"Or Stark," John adds.

A long Luxan tongue shoots out of the Peacekeepers mouth. It stings Jool unconscious and she vanishes into thin air. John is keeping just ahead of the beast but Daniel isn't so lucky. The creature grabs him up in its huge teeth and flings him to the side, where he, too, disappears.

"Thank you Cam for the go-karts," John mutters as the creature finally starts to get tired and slow down.

But Aeryn's go-kart doesn't save her from the well-aimed pulse blast directed at her head. She tumbles from her kart and vanishes soon after.

John is praying that he won't be next when he is whisked away once again to the safety of a dusty old library. Aside from a few disturbing Peacekeeper 'trophies' (the kind made out of the heads of vanquished enemies) and an out of place Luxan shilquen, there doesn't seem to be any immediate danger.

John turns to his two remaining companions, Scorpius and Ba'al. "Just the three of us now," John says. "The good, the bad, and the ugly."

"What do we do?" Ba'al asks, choosing to ignore John's Tau'ri stupidity. "I refuse to play these games any longer!"

A laugh fills the room. "You have no choice."

"Show yourself!" Scorpius demands.

"If you insist." A person appears to accompany the disembodied voice.

"Maldis," John says angrily. "I should have known."

Maldis just smiles an amused smile that doesn't leave his face even when three weapons are pointed at him. Even when all three weapons fire. He is unaffected by the blasts. The wall behind him is not.

"You let us go. Right. Now," John says." 

"Or what?" Maldis teases. "You know real weapons can't hurt me."

John backs off behind a bookshelf as Maldis lets loose another evil laugh. "Football huddle."

"What," Scorpius says.

"Just get in the huddle, Scorpy," John says. He drags the two unwilling villains into his huddle. "I don't suppose either of you have special mind powers?"

The response is two blank stares.

"Didn't think so," John says. "Any ideas?"

"He said he cannot be hurt by real weapons," Scorpius says. "How about a dream weapon?"

"It's worth a shot," John agrees. "But how do we get one?"

"If we could somehow communicate with the others…" Ba'al says.

"We still have these." John holds up his comm. He activates it. "Yo, can anyone hear me?" Silence. "Pip? Sputnik? Aeryn, baby, give me something here." Still nothing.

"This doesn't seem to be working," Ba'al says but nobody hears him because John has reverted to yelling into his comm.

"Stark, wake up! D'Argo, get your lazy butt up and listen to me!" John throws his hands up in defeat. "It's no use. Maldis is draining the life right out of them."

Scorpius very calmly speaks into his comm. "Braca, I order you to wake up."

"Yes, sir?" Braca's sleepy voice says in reply.

"We are being attacked by a powerful being who is using your dreams, as well as the others who have been captured, as a weapon," Scorpius explains. "I trust you will take care of things?"

"Yes, sir," is all Braca says.

John stares at Scorpius disbelievingly.

Maldis, who has been occupied with his evil cackling this whole time, turns his attention back on them. "I think I will allow you three to remain free for a while longer," he tells them. "Dinner and a show, as I believe humans say."

"You leave my friends alone, you bloodsucking vampire!" John shouts, desperately hoping none of them are dead yet. He whispers to Scorpius, "What's taking Braca so long?"

"Give him time, John," Scorpius whispers back.

They are hardly able to bear Maldis' evil laughter any longer when something appears on the bookshelf beside them. Something very big that looks like a pulse rifle combined with a staff weapon as well as a Qualta blade, and with various other little high-tech improvements. It takes all three of them to lift the device and aim it at Maldis.

"Where did you get that?" Maldis says, and his confidence wavers in the face of such a weapon. "You can't do that! _I'm_ in control!"

"Think again, you repulsive parasite," John says, and they fire the weapon.

Maldis screams as he disperses into atoms or whatever the frell just happened to him. The weapon disappears. The library disappears. The giant dark building disappears, and they are left standing in the woods. Beside them, their crews sleep peacefully on the forest floor (if obnoxiously snoring can be called peaceful)

John runs over and makes sure all his shipmates are accounted for. Then he tries to wake them. After an embarrassing amount of failed attempts, he is practically jumping up and down on D'Argo while pulling his braided mustache with absolutely no success.

"Attention stance, Braca," Scorpius orders.

Braca snaps awake and gets to his feet. "Yes sir."

"Good job, Braca. You have performed beyond expectations," Scorpius says.

"Thank you, sir," Braa replies even as his eyes droop and he yawns and all but falls asleep on his feet.

"How do you do that?" John asks.

"Braca, please inform John of Peacekeeper rule number two," Scorpius says.

"Never disobey an order," Braca says.

John just stares. Scorpius catches Braca as he finally gives in to sleep.

"You and your shipmates helped us to escape from certain death, John Crichton, and I respect that. I will continue to honor our truce," Scorpius says. "Sadly, this is goodbye once more. But we shall meet again."

"Oh stop it, Grasshopper, you'll make me cry," John says sarcastically. He knows Scorpius is only leaving him alone because John has Winona aimed at him, daring the villain to try anything.

Then Scorpius walks off into the woods carrying the sleeping Braca, and Ba'al follows after.

John looks at his sleeping crew. "You're gonna make this difficult, ain't ya."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After a ridiculous amount of trouble, John finally gets his friends back on board Moya, and he is now as tired as they are.

"I hope you have obtained the narium coils," Pilot says as soon as they arrive.

But nobody answers, for they are all sound asleep with no plans of waking up anytime soon.


	23. Rabid

"I _told_ you not to touch it!" John yells as he storms onto Command. He whirls like an angry tornado, one third of his tape recorder in one hand and one third in the other (who even knows where the last third is). "You not only _touched_ it, you _broke_ it!"

Everyone pretends to be doing something extremely important, hoping that the wrath of John is not directed at them.

" _I_ didn't break it, _she_ broke it!" Jool points accusingly at the guilty-yet-unapologetic looking Sikozu.

"It would not have broke had you not ripped it from my hands as you did!" Sikozu fires back, adding a mumbled, "Not like it's important anyway."

"It was important to me!" John says. "It had my voice recordings from my first days on Moya."

Sikozu shrugs. "So?"

John shakes the pieces of dead recorder in her face. "Memories!"

But Sikozu is no longer listening to him as she continues her noisy fight with Jool about who's fault it was.

John deliberately groans louder than their incessant yelling (quite an achievement). "This is why D'Argo left again," he says. "You guys drove him off with your nonstop arguing!"

The two girls barely acknowledge him.

"We are getting a distress call," Pilot interrupts.

"Not now, Pilot," John grumbles dismissively, intent on getting at least one apology. And maybe some peace and quiet (but he knows that's pretty much impossible around here).

"Shall I hold them, Commander," Pilot says in a botched attempt at sarcasm to express his annoyance at being ignored.

John rubs a hand over his face. "It's 'put them on hold', Pilot. What is it now?"

"A distress call," Pilot repeats. "From a vessel that is not responding to comms."

John chooses to set the argument and the broken tape recorder aside. "So who's up for putting a distressed ship into more distress by trying to help?"

"Give yourself more credit, John," Aeryn says.

"Why, thank you, baby, I-"

"By the time you're done with it, the ship will not only be in distress, it will be destroyed."

Cam snorts loudly as he tries not to crack up. John gives him a look, then turns to Sikozu and Jool. "You two are on a time-out," he says. "No more missions until you learn to listen when I tell you not to touch stuff that ain't yours."

"In that case, I nominate Vala for a time-out," Daniel says.

"I listen!" Vala claims as she messes with his glasses which he has repeatedly told her not to touch.

"So our time-out is to stay here on Moya and _not_ risk our lives?" Jool says.

John stares at her. "Don't even try that. And if I hear you arguing again I will lock you in your rooms."

Sikozu and Jool patiently wait for John to be out of his very limited hearing range before starting their fight back up.

 _ **On the Distressed Vessel**_

Cam's whistle echoes in the cavernous hangar bay of the alien ship. "This place is _huge_."

John taps his comm. "Pilot, just how big is this ship?"

"About four and a half metra's long," Pilot responds.

This time John whistles. "Who needs a ship that big?"

"What are we looking for?" Stark asks.

Cam sighs. "We just had a meeting about this. You didn't listen, did you…"

Cam explains (again) about how the distress call didn't specify the reason for distress, so they don't _know_ what they're looking for. Then he goes into a three minute rant about listening during meetings, which Stark chooses not to listen to.

"So just look for possible survivors and help them out," he finishes.

"Unless they're Scarrans, Peacekeepers, Charrids, Halosians, Plakavoids, Tavloids, or any of the other bad guys that are out to kill us," John adds.

"Plokavians and Tav _leks_ , John," Aeryn corrects him.

"Yeah, yeah, but if you find any of them, get the heck outta there and regroup at the pod."

"And we're totally sure splitting up is the best idea?" Daniel asks.

"No, but it'll take us days to cover the whole ship if we don't," Cam says.

Chiana sits on the transport pod's level risers and completely ignores Aeryn's attempt to send teams out. "I don't feel like searching for survivors," she says. "How about you give me time-out and send me back to Moya?"

John facepalms and mutters something about how they wouldn't know a punishment if it bit them on the butt.

"How about _you_ think of someone besides yourself for once," Aeryn says heatedly.

Chiana jumps up and flicks her head sideways and gives Aeryn a death glare. "How about _you_ shut up before I shove you down a waste funnel where you belong!"

Aeryn raises her pulse rifle.

John gives himself a microt for another much-needed facepalm before placing himself in what is probably the most life-threatening spot on the failing ship: between the two angry women.

"Woah woah, neutral corners," he says as he slowly pushes Aeryn's gun down. "Aeryn, why don't you and Stark stay here and guard the pod, just in case."

"Why can't I guard the pod?" Chiana butts in.

"Because I don't trust you not to steal it," John replies. "Now go help Teal'c search."

Teal'c raises his eyebrow at her. Chiana knows better than to argue with that.

John quickly hustles Cam away down a corridor. "Let's get this show on the road. I'm not sure I'll survive if I have to break up another fight."

"Is it just me or are they being more aggressive than usual?" Cam asks.

John thinks about it. "Eh, they get like this. A lot. They're probably just having a bad day and rubbing off on each other."

They walk through hallway after hallway and room after room, signs of a busy crew in each one, but no people in sight.

"This place is startin' to creep me out," Cam says. "Where is everyone?"

John nudges a knocked over tool cart with his foot. "Could they have been vaporized?"

"If they were, I hope we're not next," Cam says. Then, thoughtfully, he adds, "But _someone_ had to have sent the distress call, right?"

"What if they got vaporized after they sent it?" John says.

"Can we change the subject? I don't much like thinking I'm gonna evaporate into atoms around every corner," Cam says, cautiously peeking into a room.

"I've changed my theory anyway," John says from the hall, "since I don't think vaporization would leave a blood trail…"

"What?" Cam asks in disbelief.

Out in the hallway, a smear of blood wraps around the corner and a few bloody handprints spot the wall. They stare in alarm.

"Should we abort mission and return to Moya alive or keep looking and possibly find a vicious monster waiting to tear us apart?" Cam asks.

They share a look and each knows what the other is thinking.

"We are probably gonna regret this…" John says.

They follow the blood trail, trying to ignore the occasional body part along the way.

"I regret is already," Cam says as the body parts become more numerous.

"We should give the others a heads up," John says, but when he taps his comm it makes a pathetic sputtering sound. "Of course the comms are screwy. Always at the worst times."

"Then let's get this over with as fast as we can," Cam says.

 _ **Elsewhere on the Ship**_

"Daniel, we are not here to study prehistoric alien books," Vala reminds her teammate for the eleventh time.

They had stumbled into a sort of ancient library and Daniel quickly found himself distracted with all the fascinating ancient writings. "Yeah I know, but look at this…"

"I don't _want_ to look at it, Daniel. I want to leave," Vala says. "I don't like it here." She grabs his arm and jerks on it rather forcefully.

"Ow, okay, I'm coming." Daniel manages to pry himself away from the books, though he can't seem to pry Vala's hand from his arm, where her fingers are digging in quite painfully. She drags him down the corridor and violently whips around a corner, her grip on him tightening.

"Vala, calm down. Let go," Daniel says. He grabs her wrist and forces her hand away, ripping his sleeve in the process. "What's gotten into you?"

Vala only glares at him and crosses her arms. Daniel thinks the wise decision is to just drop it and move on. Vala doesn't say a word as she follows him through the halls.

 _Great_ , Daniel thinks. _I've somehow offended her and now I'm getting the silent treatment_.

As he's pondering the fact that he doesn't mind her rare silence, Daniel hears a growl behind him. Before he can react, something plows into his back with a screaming banshee howl.

 _ **Somewhere Else on the Ship**_

"I hate them, you know that?" Chiana says as she drags her feet down another empty passageway.

Teal'c does not inform her that he does, in fact, know that since she has told him six times already.

"They think they can order me around like they're better than me," Chiana goes on. "Well, they're not!" She pounds her fist into the wall as she declares yet again, "I hate them all!"

Teal'c tries to steer the conversation toward a less violent topic. "Do you believe we will find any survivors?"

"You know what, I hope not," Chiana replies. She pounds her fist into the wall again. "They can go rot in Hezmana for all I care!"

Teal'c is growing increasingly concerned about Chiana's current mind-set. Especially when the next thing her fist pounds into is him.

 _ **Back in the Hangar Bay**_

Aeryn paces back and forth in front of the pod with her pulse rifle ready. Stark crouches beside the level risers, out of her way and, hopefully, line of fire. He continues to watch for any sign of attack while trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. He's already received a few uncalled-for irate looks from Aeryn.

Stark's mind wanders from his steadfast vigil as he contemplates what he'd done to deserve those glares, and when he looks up again, something doesn't seem right.

Aeryn looks more like she's stalking than pacing now. Her rifle hangs forgotten from its strap around her neck, a sure sign something is wrong.

Stark makes the cowardly but probably life-saving decision to slowly and quietly scoot backward up the level risers and lock himself inside the pod.

 _ **On the Blood Trail**_

The blood splotches become more abundant as John and Cam travel deeper into the ship. Neither man wants to admit that they'd rather run back to the pod and get the heck outta dodge, so they continue on.

John's comm crackles to life. Pilot's voice can just barely be heard over the static. "Commander, are you almost finished? Moya is becoming very agitated."

"I don't think we'll be too much longer, Pilot," John replies. "Tell Moya not to worry."

"That's just it, Commander," Pilot says. "I cannot tell Moya anything. She refuses to talk to me or listen and I don't know why!"

Cam snorts at Pilot's distress. "Let me tell you something about women, Pilot. They don't always need a reason to be mad at you."

"But…" 

"Our comms haven't been working," John says. "Can you boost their signals or something so we can talk to the others?"

"I will do what I can," Pilot answers.

John and Cam arrive at what appears to be a very large crew dining area. It is filled with dead crewmembers ripped to shreds and mauled beyond recognition.

"This gives a new meaning to the term 'mess hall'," Cam mutters. Then his comm activates.

"Cam, we have a problem," Daniel says above what sounds like enraged shrieking.

"Shoot Jackson, is there a monster after you?" Cam asks.

"You could say that…" Daniel replies. "It's Vala, she's gone rabid or something. I'm in some kind of supply room, but she's trying to get in here like she wants to kill me."

" _That's_ not what I was expecting to hear," Cam says. "All right, we'll come and get you."

John has been studying a scratched up, dented door. "These doors ain't so tough. She could eventually break through one." He squeezes through the crack in the busted door while Cam gets directions to Daniel's signal from Pilot.

"Let's go man!" Cam calls to John, already sprinting down the hall. John runs after him to go rescue Daniel.

They slow when the angry shrieks become louder. Cam peers around the corner to see a crazed Vala clawing and ramming into a door.

Cam wastes no time trying to reason with that creature. He knocks her out with his zat gun. "You can come out now, Daniel," he says as he scoops the unconscious Vala up.

"That was…something I hope never to see again," Daniel says, holding his inconveniently dislocated shoulder.

John examines the deep cuts on Daniel's face and those beneath his torn shirt. "She got you good."

"Let's get her back to the pod before she wakes up," Cam suggests.

"Do you think this is the reason for the distress call?" Daniel asks.

"It certainly fits with what we saw," Cam says. "Maybe the crew went crazy and turned on each other."

"Then why don't I feel like beating you guys up or anything?" Daniel asks.

"Oh, I found this in the hand of a dead guy in that room" John says, pulling a small device from his pocket. "I think it's some kind of voice recorder. Maybe it'll give us some answers." He fiddles with it as they walk toward the hangar bay until a voice starts speaking from it.

"This is head researcher Layarson of the science vessel Sen'sira," it says. "If you have found this, leave this area of space immediately!" Heavy breathing can be heard, as well as angry shrieking.

The voice continues. "An experiment has gone frodank. A-all the females of the crew h-have gone fahrbot. They-" Insane screeching and loud banging interrupts him. "-they are killing everyone, even each other!"

The voice gets even more shaky as the scientist realizes his death is microts away and he says his last words. "Leave while you can!" Then a terrified scream that quickly turns to one of agony, followed by silence.

"The girls…" Daniel says, glancing at Vala then back at John and Cam.

"Well this sucks," John says.

They arrive at the doors to the cargo bay to find Teal'c standing over an unconscious Chiana. Cam quickly explains the situation.

"Is Aeryn still in there?" John asks.

Teal'c nods.

"Why didn't you zat her yet?" Cam asks.

"I could not," Teal'c says. "Chiana knocked the zat out of my hand and it fell into a large tub of…something."

Cam sets Vala down beside Chiana. "How'd you knock her out then?"

"I punched her in the face."

"That works." Cam prepares his zat. "Ready for this?"

"No," John says. "Let's do it."

They open the door. (Thankfully there are no Stark pieces scattered all over the deck) Aeryn turns from her violent attempts to break into the pod. She runs toward them, dodging Cam's shot and tackling him to the ground.

Screaming in rage, she slashes at his face with her fingers, his head pinned between her knees, his zat somehow having ended up underneath him, useless. John jumps in and lands a punch to her face with hardly any effect at all.

His next punch misses and she takes the opportunity to bite down on his wrist. With a pained yell, he palm-strikes her in the nose but she doesn't release her grip on him.

Teal'c grabs Aeryn from behind and lifts her off of Cam. John is forced to move along with her, and she flails her legs around. Cam rolls to his feet and heroically zats her unconscious (if getting kicked in the face while shooting and nearly missing can be called heroic).

John pulls his bloody wrist from her mouth. "Ow."

"Let's get these girls restrained quick," Cam suggests.

It takes them ten stressful minutes to convince Stark to open the pod door and seventeen more minutes to board the uncooperative Moya.

"We need to starburst _now_ , Pilot," John says. "This area of space makes females go mad."

"I've noticed," Pilot mumbles.

"Where are Sikozu and Jool?" John asks.

"I'm not entirely sure," Pilot replies. "Moya has been trying to space them for the past half an arn."

"Eh, they're probably tearing each other up somewhere," Cam says. "Let's get out of here while we can."

"Where's that starburst, Pilot?" John asks.

"Moya will not listen to me!" Pilot responds frantically.

"Hey Moya!" John calls. "If you starburst, it'll kill us all!"

Moya does not hesitate to starburst.

Two solar days later, the girls are finally released from confinement.

Pilot appears on the clamshell. "Moya would like to say sorry for trying to kill you."

"Thanks Moya," John says. "That's one apology."

The men expectantly stare at the women. The women stare back with that guilty-yet-unapologetic look, but they each manage to mutter unconvincing apologies. Except Sikozu and Jool, who look very much like they've been in a cat fight.

"You two," John says, pointing to them. "Kiss and make up." (For that he gets disturbed death glares and he quickly rephrases)

"Sorry," Sikozu says through clenched teeth.

"Sorry," Jool says in a similar tone. She sighs and rubs her bruised and scratched and bitten face. "I'm never fighting with anyone again."

"Good luck with that," Sikozu mumbles.

"What's that supposed to mean," Jool demands.

"That you can't keep your big mouth shut about some things," Sikozu says.

"I don't have a big mouth, _you_ do!"

The sound of obnoxious and pointless arguing drifts through the corridors after everyone else has left the room.

John shrugs. "I guess some people don't need a failed science experiment to make them go rabid and want to kill each other."


	24. The Day that Almost Went Well

"This planet looks promising," Cam says.

"It looks like a planet…" Sikozu says.

"I mean it looks _inhabited_ , unlike the last four rocks we visited," Cam explains. "So maybe we can finally get some food."

"But we have food," Stark says at the same time Pilot announces, "We are getting a recorded transmission from the planet."

"Easter candy doesn't count as food, Astro," John says, unsuccessfully trying to push Stark out of the way. He grabs the book Daniel brought back from their last visit to Earth for Easter and shoves it into Stark's hands. "Go read or something."

Stark takes the super boring _Rock Formation History_ book and sits in the corner to ponder how he will do that if he can't read.

"Okay, play the transmission, Pilot," John says.

"Welcome to Slesch. While in proximity to our planet, you will follow our rules," the recording says. "Rule one, no smuggling illegal items such as bombs."

"Check," says Cam.

"Rule two, no aiding those who break our rules."

"Check."

"Rule three, no stealing." 

This "Check" is accompanied by a warning look at certain members of the crew.

"Rule four, no drunk piloting."

"Check."

"Rule five, no clones."

Cam and John look at each other.

Failure to obey these rules will result in death." The transmission ends.

"We're not actually clones…" John says.

"But can we convince _them_ that we just happen to look exactly alike?" Cam asks.

Vala is studying Aeryn too closely for her own good. "I'm not sure I want to risk it if the punishment is death."

"You two stay here then," John says to Cam and Vala. "The rest of us will go get the food, come back, and then we'll be out of here."

"See you soon." _Really_ soon, Cam hopes, not looking forward to being stuck on Moya with Vala, who currently has her nose buried in the mind-numbing rock formation book (quite an accomplishment)

Everyone else piles into the transport pod and heads down to the planet. The marketplace is disturbingly neat and orderly.

"This place is krastik," Chiana says as a rule enforcer reminds them that they must walk single file for the ninth time, ruining their genius plan of splitting up and getting done faster.

"Definitely not staying here any longer than we need to," John agrees while waiting a ridiculous amount of time for their turn to cross the street.

They walk in an imperfect line past stores full of things they don't need. When they reach another line of shoppers, they can't pass because of the frelling rules. They get stuck going half a metra an arn. (That's about 0.311 miles an hour in human measurements)

"This is taking forever!" Jool whines.

"We could run by them when the rule enforcers aren't looking," Sikozu suggests.

"If one of them sees, we will be put to death," Teal'c reminds her.

"I might die anyway before we even get across this street!" Jool says.

"I don't think it's a good idea to do things we shouldn't do," Daniel says.

After a heated conversation (A.K.A. frighteningly violent argument), they decide to follow the rules. Because of this, it takes them three arns to reach the food section when it could have taken them three minutes.

They follow the rules when buying food (no stealing). They follow the rules when walking back toward the pod (single file). They continue to follow the rules when they once again get stuck behind more obnoxiously slow shoppers (no passing). They follow the rules all they way up until one of them doesn't (which, admit it, we all knew was gonna happen).

"Halt thief!" a watchful rule enforcer barks.

John sighs. Thirty more microts and they'd have been in the pod. So close.

As expected, the rule enforcer goes straight to Chiana and pulls a scarf out from where she'd hurriedly stuffed it down her shirt. More enforcers crowd around as he returns the stolen scarf to its rightful owner.

"We will have to search your ship for any more stolen possessions before we carry out the punishment," the rule enforcer says.

"That's not necessary," John says. "You got the scarf back, she's sorry. We'll just be on our way." 

"It's the rules," says the enforcer in a no-backtalk voice. He unholsters his gun. "You will take us to your ship."

John sees no way out of this. Yet.

 _ **On Moya**_

Pilot answers a call from John. "Hey Pilot, just a heads up. We are returning _with_ _rule enforcers._ Hint hint."

Pilot does not get the hint.

A few minutes later the transport pod makes its clumsiest landing yet. The rule enforcers exit. "Drunk piloting," one says. "That is two rules broken."

" _Aeryn_ , I told you not to let Stark drive!" John says.

"He's not drunk, he's just fahrbot," Aeryn replies.

" _They_ don't know that!" John now has to save two of his friends from death. He hopes Cam and Vala were able to hide in time so that number doesn't go up to six, including him.

The door opens and Cam and Vala enter. They look like deer-in-headlights when they see the enforcers. John face palms.

"Clones," the rule enforcer says.

"No, they're not clones. We just look the same," John says quickly.

The rule enforcer has a don't-give-me-that-dren look. "That is three rules broken. You are obviously an irresponsible group. We will have to kill you all."

"What!" Jool shrieks. "No! I didn't even do anything! I will not allow you to kill me for no reason. I didn't break the rules!"

"Failure to comply with rule enforcer orders." The enforcer is now checking things off in a little notebook.

Jool shuts up and resigns herself to her fate because she has no faith in John's ability to get them out of this mess.

"We will search the ship now," the rule enforcer says.

The crew is made to accompany them to the cargo bay. The enforcers all jump back with wide eyes when they find a rather large pile of colorful round things. "What are you doing with those!"

Confused, nobody knows what to say.

"That is four rules broken, which, I must say, is a record," the rule enforcer says. "I will have to kill you all right now." He pulls out a small, bright round thing identical to the ones in the pile.

"Is that a bomb?" Sikozu asks, smart enough to catch on.

"Of course it's a bomb, just like this illegal stash you have here," the enforcer answers. He and the enforcers stand a safe distance away. "It will explode on impact and blow all of you up at once."

Moya's crew stands huddled with no escape. Maybe they _won't_ get out of this one. But then a DRD trips the rule enforcer. Apparently Pilot finally got the hint.

The bomb flings into the pile but the enforcer is quick and grabs it up again before any of the doomed slowpokes can react.

"You have ten microts to say farewell to this life," the rule enforcer says as he raises the bomb in preparation to throw it.

Jool starts crying uncontrollably and hides behind Teal'c, who does his best effort to protect her. Chiana joins her. Sikozu wonders if she can survive an explosion. Stark chants some kind of useless prayer. Aeryn faces her death like a man. Vala appreciates the moment she gets clinging to Daniel without him prying her off. John unwillingly spends his time with Harvey, who is complaining about dying in the immediate future, and Cam awkwardly stands there because it took him ten whole microts to realize he only had ten microts left.

The enforcer thows the bomb. It bounces off Teal'c's chest. It cracks open and candy falls out. It is an Easter egg. Everyone sighs with relief and Vala pretends to faint so Daniel will hold her.

"What trickery is this!" the rule enforcer shouts, staring suspiciously at the plastic egg on the ground.

John jumps into action, grabs another Easter egg and holds it up threateningly. "These bombs only work for me," he says unconvincingly, but the enforcers seem to fall for it. "So get off this ship and let us go or I'll blow you all up."

The rule enforcers raise their hands and start backing up. John steps forward. He trips over the inconveniently placed DRD. The Easter egg flies out of his hand and lands at the enforcers' feet. It explodes. It was the bomb. The enforcers are all dead.

John shakily gets to his feet. "Well, that takes care of that problem," he says as if that had been his plan all along. "Pilot, take us out of here."

Later everyone is eating to get over the stress of almost dying.

"You know, we didn't actually break any of the rules," Cam says. "Stark wasn't drunk piloting, we didn't have bombs, and we're not clones."

"Actually, we broke one rule," John says. He points to Chiana accusingly. "If you hadn't stolen that scarf, none of this would've happened."

Chiana shrugs guiltily. "It was just one little scarf."

"That led to a life or death situation," John says. "And it was almost our first-disaster free mission too."

Cam nods. "Almost."


	25. A Bad Decision on Pilot's Part

John claps his hands together very loudly, earning Teal'c's full attention and half of Chiana's. "Okay guys, here's the plan today," he says as if everyone is listening. "We're staying on Moya and doing nothing."

"Good plan," says Cam, who had secretly been paying attention while pretending to be asleep for no reason. "We deserve a day where nothing bad happens."

"Have we not tried that before?" Teal'c says. "And we still found ourselves in danger."

"Don't crush my hopes and dreams of a panic-free day, Teal'c," Cam says.

"I apologize," Teal'c replies.

The morning is calm and relaxing for exactly fourteen microts. Then Moya jerks upward and back down again and everyone finds themselves on the floor.

"I hope that was just us hitting a bump," John groans.

"There are no bumps in space," Sikozu says because John seems to have forgotten this particularly obvious fact.

"We have run into an unknown substance," Pilot announces.

"Not what I wanna hear, Pilot," John says.

"It appears to be harmless," Pilot assures them. "Though it is bigger than I originally thought…"

Daniel glances at the slightly distorted image of space on the viewer. "Wait, are we _inside_ the unknown substance?"

"Don't say yes, don't say yes," Cam mutters under his breath.

"Yes," says Pilot.

"You couldn't have gone around it?" John asks.

"I…could have…" Pilot admits.

"Good god, Pilot, you don't just fly into random unknown substances floating in the middle of space," John says.

"Maybe we'll get lucky and this one really is harmless," Vala says.

Jool snorts. "Since when are we ever lucky?"

Suddenly they are no longer on Moya.

"This kind of thing is not supposed to be able to happen!" Cam says, looking at his own frustrated expression in an unexpected mirror.

"And yet it always does," Daniel says.

There is a high-pitched scream behind them and they turn around to see Scorpius in a bathtub hiding behind the shower curtain. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking!" he says, readjusting his completely unnecessary shower cap.

"What the _heck_ are you doing here, Scorpius!" Cam says.

"Are you blind, man?" Scorpius replies in a very un-Scorpy-like fashion. "I'm getting a shower, of course!"

Daniel looks around the surprisingly human-style bathroom they are in. "Where _is_ here?"

Cam has noticed something else. "Where's John!"

The setting changes from a bathroom to a living room. Scorpius sits on a couch and holds a pen over a notebook. "He's unavailable at the moment. Can I take a message?"

Everyone is understandably stunned for a few microts. Cam points angrily. "You better start explaining right now, Scorpius."

Scorpius holds up his hands. "You got the wrong man."

Cam stares.

"Huh?" Aeryn manages to say through her overwhelming confusion.

"They call me…" Scorpius strikes a pose and a drum roll comes out of nowhere. "Harvey!"

"And where are we?" Cam asks, not even trying to understand anymore.

"In John's head," Harvey replies as if it is the most obvious and normal thing.

Everyone looks around.

"Then where's John?" Stark asks.

"He is currently unconscious," Harvey says helpfully.

"How are we even here?" Chiana asks.

"That I don't know," Harvey says. "But I'm betting on the mysterious space cloud you flew into today."

"Darn it," Cam says. "I'm having a little talk with Pilot when we get back."

" _If_ we get back," Teal'c says.

"Quit raining on my parade," Cam says.

Teal'c refrains from mentioning that he is physically incapable of such an action. Vala, on the other hand, has a different view on that phrase and laughs, causing Cam to wonder about her sanity (not for the first time).

"So any ideas about how to get out of John's head?" Cam asks.

They can barely comprehend being here in the first place, much less how to get out. Harvey lounges on the couch and watches them think.

Finally, Sikozu says, "Maybe we just have to wait for John to wake up."

Cam ponders this and shrugs. "It's something."

"It is possible that John Crichton is seriously injured and may not wake up," Teal'c says.

Cam gives him a look. "Didn't I tell you to stop doing that?"

"What if he dies?" Jool asks nervously. "What happens to us?"

" _Don't_ panic," Cam says. "For now we're gonna wait and assume he just got knocked out for a little while."

They wait for approximately eight microts before the boredom starts to get to Vala. "Can't we do something while we wait?" she asks impatiently.

Harvey jumps up. "I'll give you the tour!"

With nothing better to do they follow Harvey out the front door and onto a long road. On the side of the road is a giant gate with all kinds of locks and chains on it. Behind the gate is a big swirly blue thing.

"First stop, wormholes," Harvey announces. "It is the one place I can't get into."

A little farther down the road is a graffiti-covered garage with skateboards and packs of gum surrounding it. Loud screaming music comes from inside.

"Ah, the rebellious teenage years," Harvey says. He takes a stick of gum and starts chewing it.

They continue on through John's mind, passing an astronaut section, a dog section, a girl section, and plenty of other sections, until they arrive at a theme park. Everyone runs off toward the rides. (Harvey should not have run while chewing gum; he swallowed it)

"John's mind is fun!" Vala says when Daniel finally drags her away after six rides on the roller coaster.

"Aren't you concerned that we are in someone's mind at all?" Daniel asks.

"I suppose," Vala says thoughtfully. "I hope we don't go in yours next. It's probably like a boring old library in there."

"I hope we don't end up in _yours_ ," Daniel replies. "I probably wouldn't survive."

"Hey!" Vala punches Daniel in the arm.

"I hope we don't go into _anyone's_ mind next," Cam says after crushing Sikozu and Harvey in bumper cars.

"John sure is taking long to wake up," Jool says with her mouth (and her hair) full of cotton candy.

They meet up with Aeryn, who beat Chiana in a shooting game, and Teal'c, who regrets his decision to ride the teacups since Stark threw up on him. Suddenly they all disappear.

"Thanks for coming!" Harvey calls after them.

The crew of Moya blinks away the disorientation of being transferred from John's mind and, by the looks of it, into another. This one has grey metal floors and walls that are constantly moving and turning and breaking off to float away into a vast emptiness. Looking at one spot for too long causes dizziness.

"Where the heck are we?" John asks.

"Hey, welcome back," Cam says. He explains what's going on and where they'd just been.

"In my head?" John asks, and more hesitantly, "What did you see in there?"

"Chill man, Harvey took us to a theme park," Cam says.

Chiana trips on the irregular floor. "Whose head is this?"

Aeryn looks around. "Stark's not here."

"So that means we're in Stark's head?" John asks. "Why is this happening?"

"Harvey thinks it's got something to do with the weird substance we flew into this morning," Cam says.

John sighs. "Pilot's gonna hear about this."

"I wonder what's behind this door," Chiana says.

"Pip, don't touch that," John warns.

"I wasn't gonna open it!" Chiana says, pulling her hand away from where she was obviously gonna open it. "And I'm allowed to touch whatever I want."

The tip of Chiana's finger brushes the door. It flies off its hinges and goes tumbling out into open space. The room behind it is pitch black.

"Chiana, get away from there," Sikozu says in a rare demonstration that she might actually care.

A hand reaches out and grabs Chiana's ankle. She screams as her foot is yanked out from under her and she face-plants on the floor. Teal'c grabs her outstretched arms and pulls her out of the hand's grip.

More hands appear, clawing at the walls and floor, dragging their shadowy bodies out of the doorway. 

"What _are_ those?" Sikozu asks as they all back away down an unstable, wobbly bridge.

"We are the darkness, the pieces of souls caught, trapped, unable to cross over," says the writhing black mass forming in front of the doorway.

"Do you think if we die here in Stark's head, we die in real life?" Jool asks in a trembling voice.

"Yes," says the soul monster.

"I wasn't asking you!" Jool shrieks at it.

They all run through the ever-shifting landscape of Stark's mind, toward a distant glow on the far side. The dark soul pieces chase after them, moaning loudly.

"No wonder this boy's got issues," Cam says.

"We have to find his happy place," John says. "I don't think that…thing can go there."

"You've been there before?" Daniel asks.

"Yeah, once, when he took his mask off to comfort me in my time of need. Which we will not be discussing any further."

They run toward the brightness until they reach a teeny tiny little room filled with light. They all cram in and the soul monster stops. It paces back and forth in front of the room but it doesn't enter.

"We'll just hide in here until Stark wakes up," Cam says.

"I hope it's not long," Daniel says. "This place is making me feel…like, drunk happy."

"Yeah, well, you get drunk after half a beer, Daniel," Cam says.

"No I don't," Daniel says defensively. "It takes at least one whole beer."

"Actually I'm starting to feel it too," John says.

Then they are no longer in the bright little room. Instead, they are in a dusty old library.

"I _told_ him," Vala says, realizing it is Daniel's mind.

"What did you do!" Stark shrieks and falls to his knees, holding his head in his hands.

Cam shoves Chiana forward.

"Sorry, I kinda unleashed a dark soul monster," Chiana apologizes.

John puts his hand on Stark's shoulder, but Stark lashes out at him. "Just think of the souls being locked in a room again," John suggests.

Stark puts a lot of effort into this. "Okay," he says quietly after a while. "Okay." He stands up and allows John to pat him on the back.

"Let's try not to screw up anyone's brain from now on," Cam says. "No messing with things."

Vala is already messing with a stack of books.

"Hey, I said don't!" Cam says, but he is not quick enough to prevent the books from toppling over. "Vala! That could be his memories or something you just knocked over!"

Vala is flipping through one of the books. "Nah, it's just about languages and artifacts. Typical Daniel stuff."

Cam takes it away from her and carefully restacks the books. He certainly doesn't want one of the few sane people here going crazy. "Don't touch anything."

They sit there in the library for an unbearably long time. At least now Vala can tell Daniel that his mind was the most boring.

Then the library vanishes to be replaced by a different room. This one's walls are lined with guns and there's a large Peacekeeper symbol painted on the floor.

"This is obviously Aeryn's," Sikozu says.

They all follow Cam's previous directions and don't touch anything. After an indeterminate amount of time standing in the middle of the room, they switch minds. Except this mind is no different from Aeryn's, besides the fact that Aeryn is now present.

Chiana looks at Aeryn. "Who the frell's mind are we in now?"

"It's obviously a Peacekeeper's," Aeryn points out.

"It looks _exactly_ like yours, Aeryn," Sikozu says.

Aeryn shrugs as if to say, yeah so?

"That must mean Peacekeepers found us and we're in their head," Cam says.

John notices something out of place. "Harvey, how'd you get in here?"

"What?" says an extremely confused-looking Harvey.

"Oh shoot, you ain't Harvey."

"Where are we?" Ba'al asks from behind Scorpius.

Moya's crew explains the situation to the villains.

"So now we must be in Braca's mind," John finishes.

Everyone awkwardly stands there.

"This is a great opportunity to frell Braca in the head," Chiana says, eyeing the assortment of guns on the wall.

Scorpius growls menacingly. "I will not let you do that."

Thankfully (for Scorpius anyway) they leave Braca's head at that moment. This time they find themselves in a chaotic mess of a place. Random broken objects cover the floor in a potentially lethal carpet. The occasional sound of something falling and breaking can be heard in the distance.

"I don't even know where to start on this one," Cam says, staying perfectly still lest he skewer his foot on a sharp broken edge.

They figure it out by seeing whose missing.

"It's Vala," Daniel says. He picks up a shiny pearl necklace and nods at it as if it confirms his observation. Then it breaks apart in his hands and the pearls are lost in the mess at his feet.

A very bewildered Braca watches the scene before him uncomprehendingly until Scorpius bothers to fill him in.

"Everyone just be careful," Cam says. "We shouldn't mess this place up any more than it already is."

Daniel wants to laugh at that but realizes he probably shouldn't. He doesn't feel like laughing anymore when a giant shard of broken glass falls out of nowhere and impales him.

Jool screams. Teal'c quickly removes his jacket and presses it to Daniel's bleeding chest. Cam also removes his jacket and shoves it in Jool's mouth before going over to kneel beside Daniel.

"Oh god," he says. "Hang in there, Jackson."

"This is not how…" Daniel coughs. "…not how I envisioned myself dying."

"You might not really die," Cam says. "We don't know yet." 

"It sure feels real," Daniel says weakly.

The moment is interrupted when they are forced out of Vala's mind and unceremoniously dumped onto the floor of Command.

Daniel wakes up coughing and clutching at his chest. Cam rushes over, but Daniel is no longer bleeding to death. Cam collapses back to the floor in relief.

An oblivious Vala crawls over to Daniel. "I was right about your mind, Daniel. It was the most boring library ever."

"And I was right about yours," Daniel replies. "I almost didn't survive."

Vala punches him playfully.

"Pilot?" John asks groggily.

"We have exited the strange substance without incident, Commander," Pilot responds.

Daniel snorts and mumbles, "Without incident, my butt."

"Nothing weird happened here?" John asks.

"Apart from all of you falling asleep on the floor at the same time, no," Pilot answers.

Aeryn remembers to ask the important questions. "Is Scorpius on board?"

"No, but I detect a Marauder in the space cloud," Pilot says.

"Good, they can enjoy each others minds," John says. Then he spaces out.

Cam snaps his fingers in front of John's blank face. "You all right, man?"

John returns to reality. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Harvey just wanted me to tell you he wants a rematch in bumper cars."

Cam lies back on the floor to hopefully get that moment of stress-free relaxation he's been wanting all day. "I don't intend to visit your mind again any time soon. Or ever, for that matter."

"Pilot, take us away from here," John says. "And please, no more flying into unidentified substances."


	26. Houston, We Have Problems

Cam labors away at a chore that he's been doing for much longer than should be necessary. He is determined to get the questionable black stain out of this cup. So he scrubs…and scrubs…aaaand scrubs…checks to see if it's clean…goes back to scrubbing.

"You'd think an advanced alien civilization would have a dishwasher," Cam mumbles.

"'Civilization' suggests they are civilized," John says, walking into the galley. "Try advanced alien loony bin." John rummages around in the cabinet for a while. He scratches his head, shrugs, and goes to check under the table instead.

Sikozu runs in and announces in an urgent voice, " _I have something really important to tell you_!"

John whacks his head on the table. "More important than the fact that somebody lost, hid, stole, crushed, spaced, melted, blasted, or otherwise destroyed all but one of our cups?"

"Hmm, no," Sikozu replies. She uselessly stands there and watches John try to fit his upper body into a cupboard so he can see better. Cam scrubs.

Chiana rushes into the room with an impressive amount of the previously missing cups balanced in her arms. "We caught all the space roaches!"

This time when John smacks his head he knocks himself out for two and a half microts.

A similarly cup-laden Vala and Stark are close behind Chiana. Too close. They plow into her and all the cups go flying. Space roaches skitter to freedom. Jool shrieks in the distance. Cam continues to scrub.

"I wasn't aware we had a space roach problem," John says.

"Well, now you are," Chiana replies.

Before anyone can do anything, a boom rattles the deck. Aeryn, Daniel, and Teal'c soon enter the room looking rather singed and guilty. Cam's still scrubbing.

John crosses his arms. "What was that."

"We were attempting to repair the temperature regulator," Teal'c replies with no further explanation.

"It was broken?" John asks.

"Yes…" Daniel answers.

"So you're telling me it exploded and now we need a new temperature regulator."

"No, _that_ didn't explode," Aeryn says.

John waves his hands around in frustration. "Then what exploded?"

"The transport pod," Aeryn replies.

John sighs and rubs his forehead and wonders _why_. Daniel wipes black smoke off his glasses. Chiana stares dejectedly at the empty cups scattered on the ground. Stark shivers slightly with the slow decrease in temperature. Cam wonders if this dishsoap is even soap at all. Jool runs in shrieking and jumps onto the table. Sikozu tries to remember the important thing she was going to say. Then a huge blast rocks the whole ship.

Sikozu snaps her fingers. "Oh yeah! I was going to tell you. Scorpius' Command Carrier is here."

John throws his hands in the air. "Sikozu! You should have told us that first thing!"

Pilot appears on the clamshell viewer. "Moya has taken a direct hit," he reports. "She cannot starburst, and the Command Carrier is following us!"

"Chill Pilot, Scorpy doesn't want us dead," John says.

Pilot doesn't mention that he is already quite chilled since the temperature regulator is broken.

It's quiet in the galley for a long time.

"So what do we do?" Aeryn asks.

"We have space roaches, a broken temperature regulator, a destroyed transport pod, a hurt Leviathan, and Scorpius on our tail," John says. "Anything _else_ I should know about?"

"Um…maybe," says Cam by the sink. He holds up the cup, which now has a big hole in the side.

"What did you do, wash it to death?" Vala asks.

"I didn't do this." Cam points to a fist-sized writhing black smudge on the counter. " _That_ did."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Everyone stands around the table in the galley (except Jool, she's on top of it). The black stain that chewed a hole through a cup ran away, or slid away, or _something_ when Aeryn tried to shoot it. They hadn't seen it since it escaped down the maintenance tunnel.

So that's one more problem to add to the list. Or rather, two, since a pulse blast hit the refrigeration unit and destroyed it. At least it's cold enough in here that the food won't go bad too fast.

John knocks Winona (that's his gun) against the table to get the attention of his edgy crewmates. "Quiet down and listen up, people," he says. "One thing at a time. We need to deal with the biggest threat first."

"The space roaches!" Jool screeches way too loudly.

"Uh no, the space roaches ain't gonna hurt you, Princess," John says. "Now would you please come down off the table like a civilized human bei- uh, person."

Jool chooses to remain uncivilized and does not come down off the table.

Cam talks around her. "We need to fix Moya so we can get away from Scorpius."

"Bingo. Sikozu, you and Aeryn go work on that," John says. "Stark, you and me are gonna see about that temperature regulator."

"Daniel, you help Chiana fix the fridge," Cam says. "Me, Vala, and Teal'c will hunt down that stain creature thing and figure out a way to get rid of it."

"Good plan," John says.

They all head off to their different tasks.

"Hey what about me!" Jool calls.

"You're on space roach duty," John tells her.

"What! No!"

They leave Jool screaming on the table. It's not like they were gonna be able to get her off it anyway.

 _ **Two Arns Later**_

John and Stark found the problem with the temperature regulator (a wire chewed by A: space roaches B: the weird stain or C: one of the fahrbot aliens who might think chewing a wire is a good idea). They were unable to fix it. Chiana and Daniel took care of the refrigeration unit, but found all the food gone (possible suspects: the space roaches, the mysterious stain, and certain greedy crewmates).

Cam, Vala, and Teal'c found the black stain, but they caught it in a way they didn't want to; it's attached to Cam's face. Sikozu and Aeryn repaired the damage to Moya, who starbursted away from the Command Carrier, but not before a Marauder containing Scorpius and gang boarded her.

Oh, and Jool didn't accomplish a single thing in the space roach department.

Everyone is currently hiding on med deck while Pilot attempts to distract the villains.

"Does it look bad?" Cam asks from the medical bed.

Vala scrutinizes him closely where the stain ripples on his cheek. "It looks like it's trying to eat your face off."

Cam wishes she'd been less honest for once.

Jool arrives at his bedside with a tray full of unsettling sharp doctor instruments. "I'm gonna try to remove it."

Cam is uneasy. Actually, terrified for his life is a more accurate way to describe how he is feeling right now. "There has to be another option," he says, jumping off the bed.

Chiana tries to shove him back. "Jool's the closest thing we have to a doctor."

"I don't want the _closest_ thing, I want the _real_ thing!" Cam insists. Jool is pulling him down by his hair.

John feels sympathy for his friend. He has been in basically the exact same position before. "Hey Pilot, you know of any Diagnosans in the area?"

"No Commander, we are in the uncharted territories," Pilot responds. "Do I need to spell that out for you? U-N-C-H-A-"

"I don't have time for your sass, Pilot," John interrupts. "Can you at least try to find one?"

"Not while Scorpius is attempting to take control of Moya," Pilot answers.

"Right, we'll get back to that later," John says. "Jool, try to remove the…thing from his face. _Carefully_. The rest of you, let's go stop the bad guys."

"Wait, I need help if I'm going to attempt this," Jool says.

Cam does not like her use of the word 'attempt'. He contemplates sneaking out of the room, or maybe off the ship…

"Okay. Chiana, Vala, stay with Jool and be her nurses," John says.

"What! There are like five better choices to be nurses than _them_!" Cam cries as the three women drag him onto the bed.

"Stark, you stay too," Jool orders.

"Why? What do you need him for?" Cam asks nervously.

"In case you die."

Cam struggles. He is way more afraid of these crazy people with sharp instruments than he is of the strange alien creature slowly eating his face off.

"We should probably knock him out for surgery," Vala suggests.

Cam struggles more violently. He does _not_ want them sticking him with a needle and filling him with sleep medicine.

He needn't have worried about that. Chiana puts him out with her boot to his head.

 _ **On Command**_

Ba'al shivers and seriously considers stealing Braca's coat. He wonders if it'll fit over his elegant robe. "Why is it so cold in here?" he demands to know.

"The temperature regulator is broken," Pilot replies.

"That is not important," Scorpius says. "Give me control of the ship this microt or I will come down there and shoot you in the face!"

"I _have_ given you control!" Pilot says.

"Then why are we not moving!" Scorpius pounds his fist into the console.

Pilot wishes he could pound Scorpius' head into the console. Instead he says, "Propulsion has been damaged. You will need to repair it before we can go anywhere."

Scorpius starts growling about how nothing ever works. Meanwhile right outside the door to Command, the crew of Moya prepares to attack.

Teal'c ignores John's confusing hand signal nonsense and barges into the room, unhinging the door and creating yet another issue. He catches Braca off guard and disarms him (an endeavor that requires the search and removal of several weapons).

John and Aeryn rush at Scorpius, knocking him over and accidentally ramming his head into the console (Pilot's fantasy has come true). Daniel and Sikozu easily overtake the unsuspecting Ba'al, who'd still been brooding in a corner about being cold.

They make quick work of restraining the villains, then cuffing them together, then cuffing them to a support beam. They cuff their feet for good measure. And put bags over their heads. And-

"Okay guys, that's enough," John says, wrestling the flamethrower out of Sikozu's evil little hands.

"It was a good idea telling Scorpius that the propulsion was damaged, Pilot," Aeryn says.

"Propulsion _is_ damaged, Officer Sun," Pilot responds.

"Oh."

Aeryn and Sikozu sigh as they go to fix propulsion. John and Daniel steal a wire from Scorpius' Marauder for the broken temperature regulator while Teal'c escorts the villains to their ship. Then John sends him back to Command to fix the door he unhinged.

One and a quarter arns later they all meet up on med deck. Jool has failed miserably at removing the stain from Cam's face, which has started to…disintegrate would be the best word.

"I've located a Diagnosan," Pilot announces at just the right time.

"Good," John says, relieved. "Space the garbage and starburst, Pilot."

"While Cameron still has a face," Vala adds.

Pilot ejects the Marauder filled with Scorpius, Ba'al and Braca and starbursts away.

Three more long arns later they are all gathered in the galley with less big problems, but still a few little annoying ones. The Diagnosan was able to remove the living stain and regenerate Cam's face, but he demanded all of their cups as payment. They are forced to agree with the deal. (Their only other option was Chiana's suggestion of trading Stark for the Diagnosan's services)

"So we need to get new cups," Cam says, shrugging. "That's not so bad."

"How are we gonna drink until then?" Aeryn asks.

"The old-fashioned way," Cam says. He turns the sink on and sticks his face under the water. Aeryn wonders about the sanity of his entire race.

Stark has a more pressing concern. "What do we use to catch the space roaches in now?"

Chiana, Vala, and Stark think for a very, very, VERY long time about that.

"Our shoes?" Vala suggests.

"Our hands?" Stark says.

Chiana snaps her fingers. "Bowls!"

They sink into another session of deep thought before agreeing that their shoes is the best idea.

John sits next to Cam at the table and leans back in his chair. "Now that all our immediate problems are fixed, I can finally-"

"Um, John?" Jool cuts in.

John's not sure he wants to hear this. "Yes, Princess?"

"The waste funnel is clogged again."

John lays his head on the table.


	27. Day After Day

John wakes up early in the morning due to an obnoxious commotion going on outside his room. Not that he expects anything different. The yelling and pounding feet sound rather frantic. That is not unusual either.

Whatever it is, John is not getting back to sleep now. He yawns and opens the door. Stark runs by followed closely by Chiana. John grabs her by the collar. "Pip, I've _told_ you, no more shoving Stark's head down the waste funnel."

Chiana looks decidedly disappointed, but struggles out of his grip and points back down the hall before running off again. John turns and sees Braca racing down the corridor toward him. He takes off after his friends and desperately hopes that Braca has enough self-control to not shoot him in the back.

They head for Command. More of their crewmates join them along the way, along with Scorpius and Ba'al. The entire crew of Moya manages to squeeze through the door of Command all at once. Unfortunately, the three villains make it through as well before the door closes.

In less than a microt Braca has a gun to Jool's head, Ba'al has one on Cam, and Scorpius is gloating as if he's already won.

"What do you want, Scorpius," John growls.

"You _know_ what I want, John," Scorpius replies casually. "And this time I'm going to get it."

What he _doesn't_ get is another word in before everyone is flung across Command as Moya jerks violently. Then they all black out.

 _ **An Indeterminate Amount of Time Later**_

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness a section of bulkhead swing down and whack Ba'al in the face. He also notices Braca has not lost hold of his pulse pistol despite falling unconscious slumped upside down against a console.

Braca snaps awake and jumps to his feet. He quickly grabs Jool who is much slower at waking up. "I'll shoot her!" His threat is loud in the room full of confused, semi-conscious people.

"What happened," Scorpius demands, rising slowly.

John shrugs. "Heck if I know, Scorpy, but it happens way too often."

Daniel rubs his face and is relieved to find that his glasses survived intact. They allow him to see the discolored, disorienting, distorted space outside the forward portal.

Stark has apparently noticed it too judging by his hysterical pointing. "What is that? Where are we!?"

Braca is unnerved by Stark's flailing and pulls out a second pistol. "I will shoot them both!"

"You don't need to shoot anyone! We're cooperating!" Cam exclaims.

"Tell me what is going on!" Scorpius growls.

John turns to look out the portal and almost facepalms. "Pilot," he says.

Pilot's sheepish face appears on the clamshell viewer. "Yes, Commander?"

"Did you seriously just fly us into an unknown substance?" John asks.

"No, this is a _known_ substance," Pilot answers. "It is usually harmless."

"Usually," John repeats. " _Usually!_ __Pilot, we talked about this!"

"Can't we just fly back out?" Ba'al asks. He wipes his bloody lip off on Teal'c's jacket. Teal'c raises an eyebrow at him.

"I will try," Pilot says. The space outside the portal quickly returns to normal. "We have exited the substance."

"Thank you, Pilot," John says. "We're gonna have another talk about flying into _any_ kind of substance, but right now we are being captured by the bad guys so I'll get back to you on that."

"Okay, Commander," Pilot says, and then he blinks off the viewer.

John claps his hands together. "Now where were we?"

"You will order your Pilot to take us, and the Stargate, to my Command Carrier," Scorpius says. "Or Braca starts killing people."

"Now hold on a microt…" John is suddenly interrupted by a pulse blast, a scream, and Jool hitting the floor with a bloody hole in her head.

The scream, which came from Chiana, turns into frightened crying. Stark rushes over to kneel beside Jool. He shakes his head and lifts his mask and starts chanting.

"Are you feeling more inclined to do as I say?" Scorpius says calmly.

John stands there, shocked.

"I will kill the Banik," Scorpius continues.

Braca's gun swings toward Stark.

"Or your clone."

Braca's other gun aims for Cam.

"He ain't my-" John is once again cut off by a pulse blast, and Cam drops to the ground.

"How about Officer Sun next?" Scorpius says smugly, and Braca's gun turns on Aeryn. "Which will it be, John?"

"Pilot," John chokes out. "Take us to the Command Carrier."

"But Commander…" Pilot says.

"Just do it!" John says louder.

Moya turns around. "Yes, Commander."

Scorpius smiles triumphantly. "A wise decision, John."

Sikozu grabs onto John's arm. "What are you doing?" she hisses. "We can't…"

"We have to, Sputnik," John replies. "They've really got us this time."

 _ **Quite Some Time Later**_

Teal'c is unceremoniously thrown into the cell. He is now as bloody and bruised as the rest of the crew. Aeryn and Sikozu help him up.

Ba'al marches in and orders two Peacekeeper guards to grab Sikozu. Two more guards wait outside the door and five more surround Ba'al for good measure. Sikozu doesn't even bother to resist and she is dragged out.

"How did it come to this," Daniel says forlornly as he holds his torn-up jacket to Vala's dramatically bleeding head.

Chiana sits in a corner, holding her broken arm. "When's John coming back?"

Stark turns away from his efforts to pick the lock on the door (no one has the heart to tell him there is no lock on the inside of the cell).

"John's in the Aurora chair," he says. "Scorpy's gonna rip all his memories apart until he finds what he wants. So it might be a while."

Chiana cries. Stark goes back to picking the nonexistent lock. The others don't interfere with his delusions.

"They have the Stargate to use however they wish," Teal'c says.

"We need to get out of here," Daniel says, but he sounds as if he has no hope that such a thing will happen.

Many long arns pass, as well as some of the crew. John eventually returns to the cell very tired and unprepared for the sight before him.

Sikozu lies in a lifeless pile in one corner (literally. All her limbs have been ripped off and heaped together). Vala is covered head to toe with one of the dirty blankets that came with the cell. A puddle of dried blood peeks out at one end.

Stark paces back and forth, back and forth, limping and mumbling and acting crazier than usual. The rest of his friends look very downhearted and scared.

John collapses against the wall and wishes he were back on Moya so he could sleep for ten solar days straight.

Aeryn leans her head against his shoulder. "What do we do?"

John shrugs dejectedly. "What _can_ we do? We've lost."

They sink into silence and wait for whatever horrors might come next.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness a section of bulkhead swing down and whack Ba'al in the face. He's surprised he's even opening his eyes at all, since the last thing he remembers is getting shot in the head.

Everyone is much quicker getting to their feet than last time they were in a situation like this. Exactly like this…

Once again Braca takes Jool hostage at gunpoint and declares, "I'll shoot her!"

"What have you done!" Scorpius roars.

John holds his hands up non-threateningly. "I didn't do nothing, Grasshopper. Something funky is going on."

Scorpius doesn't listen. He grabs John by the neck. "I had everything! The Stargate! The Leviathan! _You_! What have you _done_!"

John tries to remain calm as he is getting choked to death. He waves his hands around helplessly and Scorpius throws him to the floor.

"Look Scorpy, I didn't do this," John says. "How could I have done this?"

"It is some kind of trick. I know of one way to prevent it from happening again." Scorpius snaps his fingers.

Braca starts shooting.

Jool, dead. Stark, dead. Cam, dead. One by one they all fall limp to the ground until only John is left standing with Scorpius, Braca, and Ba'al, who is rudely wiping his bloody lip on Teal'c's jacket.

"You can't do anything without your friends," Scorpius says smugly.

John falls to his knees. He doesn't struggle when he is taken aboard the Command Carrier. He doesn't resist the chair. He sits in his cell with no company besides a just as discouraged Harvey. He goes through the day in a haze.

They had a second chance and they frelled up worse than the first time. Scorpius has won.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness a section of bulkhead swing down and whack Ba'al in the face. The sound of a pulse blast startles everyone to full alertness. Except Braca. Braca's dead.

Another blast, and Scorpius drops to the ground before he's even standing all the way up. Ba'al tries to run and gets hit in the back. He falls forward into Teal'c and his cut lip leaves a trail of blood down Teal'c's jacket as he sinks to the floor.

John twirls Winona and shoves her into his holster. "That takes care of that." Then he goes around the room, hugging each and every one of his shaken crewmates.

"We get a third chance at this," John says once all of his friends have been properly appreciated. "I just hope it's the last time."

"At least we don't have to deal with _them_ ," Vala says, giving Ba'al a hard kick in the head.

"Yeah, I'd rather not die again," Jool adds.

Pilot appears on the viewer as Moya exits the substance. "I don't understand," he says. "Twice Moya has been captured and put in a control collar, but we keep ending up back here."

"It seems like the day is repeating itself," Cam says thoughtfully.

"That can't happen," Sikozu says disbelievingly.

"Well it is," Cam replies.

"So, what, we have to do everything exactly right so we can move on to the next day?" Aeryn asks.

"Probably," Cam says.

Chiana makes a face at the dead villains on the floor. "This seems about right to me."

They all stand there for a microt.

"So what do we do?" Daniel asks.

John shrugs. "Get as far away from that _harmless_ substance as we can, I'd say."

"You do not need to rub it on me, Commander," Pilot mumbles.

"'Rub it in' Pilot, and I think I'm entitled to," John says. "Let's just go about our day like normal and see what happens."

So Moya starbursts away from that area and the crew goes off to do whatever they do on a normal day. When nighttime approaches nobody feels like sleeping so they all squeeze in around the table in the galley.

"Can you believe the day started over like that?" Chiana asks. "Twice?"

"Yes," Teal'c replies. "I was involved in a very similar incident."

"Really? How'd you fix it?" Stark asks.

"The device causing it was shut off," Teal'c explains.

"Oh. That doesn't really help us," Chiana says.

"I'm gonna stay up all night so it can't happen again," Vala says.

"You know what they say." Cam says. "Third time's the charm."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness a section of bulkhead swing down and whack Ba'al in the face.

Vala sits up beside him and sighs. "The third time was not as charming as you thought."

Cam doesn't waste time educating her in Tau'ri sayings.

A pulse blast fills the room but this time nobody drops dead. Instead, Braca's gun flies out of his hand. Teal'c swoops in and takes his other gun, then puts Braca in a headlock. Ba'al sneaks up from behind to wipe his bloody lip off on Teal'c's jacket. Teal'c raises an eyebrow at him.

Scorpius takes a while to get on his feet. John considers making an 'old' joke but decides not to.

"You _killed_ me!" Scorpius yells.

John points at him angrily. " _You_ killed my friends first!"

Aeryn goes over to the maintenance tunnel entrance and gets a pulse rifle from her secret stash. She jabs it into Scorpius' back. "We're locking you up this time."

Moya starbursts away as the bad guys are escorted to three separate cells on three separate decks. The crew finds themselves gathered in the galley once again late that evening.

"Do you think we did it right this time?" Stark asks.

Daniel ticks things off on his fingers. "We didn't kill anyone, none of _us_ got killed, and we got far away from that substance. Hopefully that'll do it."

They anxiously wait for morning.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness a section of bulkhead swing down and whack Ba'al in the face. John shoots Braca's gun away from Jool's head. Scorpius takes his time standing up and Ba'al wipes his bloody lip on Teal'c's jacket. Teal'c raises an eyebrow at him. Moya starbursts.

"Why is this happening!" shouts an extremely frustrated Scorpius.

"No need to yell," Sikozu says. "We can hear you."

"We think the day is repeating itself and we need to do things exactly right for it to stop," John explains.

"That's impossible," Braca says.

"That's what's happening, Braca," John replies. "So how about you guys just leave and we'll continue our little standoff tomorrow."

Scorpius is smart enough to accept that this might be the only way. The villains reluctantly depart on their Marauder and head back to the Command Carrier.

The crew meanders about the ship until evening comes and they all find themselves back in the galley. They quietly sit and wait and hope tomorrow will finally come.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam doesn't open his eyes this time, though he hears the familiar sound of Ba'al getting whacked in the face.

Braca sighs disappointedly and doesn't take Jool hostage.

Scorpius doesn't even bother getting up.

Teal'c gives Ba'al a look, daring him to even think about wiping his bloody lip on his jacket.

Moya starbursts.

"How about this time we all just stay in here and don't do anything," John suggests.

Scorpius agrees without hesitation. He wants this dren to be over with as much as everyone else. If that means having his hopes and dreams of capturing John and the Stargate slip through his fingers yet again, so be it.

The day passes by filled with nerve-wracking tension and awkward small talk all the way till morning.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It is the eighty-eighth time that the day has started over.

They've tried fleeing in each direction away from the substance. They've tried backing out of it first and then fleeing. They've tried staying perfectly still in the exact positions that they awoke in all day.

They've tried going to planets for help, killing only one of the villains, destroying the substance, flying into _another_ substance, willingly going to Scorpius' Command Carrier, taking trips through the Stargate, and everything else they could possibly think of.

One by one, they lost hope and gave up until the only one trying anything was Moya, and all she could do was aimlessly fly through space.

But today, the eighty-eighth day, even Moya gives up. She doesn't move from the substance. And the crew is too busy in the galley sharing raslak with the bad guys to care.

"…so every morning I wake up and see Ba'al get whacked in the face with a piece of bulkhead," Cam says, and everyone cracks up.

Ba'al laughs too and takes another sip of raslak. "No matter what I do, I can't escape getting hit in the face by that!"

Everyone is so drunk that they think this is the funniest thing they've ever heard and the room is filled with roaring laughter. Then they each have more raslak because why not?

Eventually they pass out sprawled all over the room.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Cam opens his eyes in time to witness Vala's boot swing down and whack Ba'al in the face. Cam rubs his own face and regrets how much he had to drink last night.

Then the realization hits him. This morning is different! He jumps up, regrets that as well, then makes his way more slowly around the room.

"Guys, we did it!" He shakes Vala, who had blacked out on the table.

"Five more hours," she mumbles, covering her head.

"We did it!" Cam exclaims again. "Tomorrow has come!"

John sits up and rubs his head, but he looks like the happiest person in the universe. "We did!" he says excitedly.

Scorpius slowly crawls out from under the table. "Could you speak more softly?" he demands.

Nobody listens to him. They dance joyfully around the room, and then they sit down because they all have serious hangovers.

"So all we had to do was drink raslak all day?" Chiana asks.

"It's more likely that it stopped because Moya didn't leave the substance," Daniel points out.

"Who cares? We're free!" Jool says.

"The substance has disappeared," Pilot announces.

"Good," Cam says.

"And I know something else that will be disappearing soon," John adds, giving Scorpius a look.

Scorpius holds one hand up, keeping the other one pressed against his head. "I will leave, John. I am in no condition to capture you at the moment."

The villains politely say farewell and shamble away to their Marauder. John gets up and heads for the door too.

"Where are you going?" Cam asks.

"To bed," John replies. "I think we've had enough excitement for one day."


	28. Far Trek

(Star Trek DS9 Crossover)

John and Cam are in the middle of a chess game when Pilot oh-so-rudely interrupts. Actually he's very polite about it. "Sorry to disturb you, but Scor…"

Cam waves his hand dismissively at the clamshell viewer. "Shh, Pilot, you're disturbing us."

"I…I apologize, but Scorpius…"

Pilot, I'm trying to think," John cuts in.

Pilot waits impatiently while John makes a horrible chess move before making another attempt. "I've been trying to tell you, Scorpius is here."

John jumps up, knocking the chess board over (obviously on purpose 'cause he's losing) "Pilot, why didn't you tell us!"

Pilot questions John's ability to hear for the three hundred and eighth time. Everyone meets on Command.

"Scorpius better not be on board," D'Argo growls.

"Of course not!" Pilot says. "I would never let that happen."

"It's happened before…" Aeryn points out.

"A Marauder just left the Command Carrier," Pilot reports to distract them from the subject of his previous failures. "It's…not coming toward us."

"What's it doing then?" Daniel asks even though everyone's watching it on the forward portal.

The Marauder flies a good distance away, and then a big blue swirly thing opens up. The little ship disappears inside and then the big blue circular disturbance is gone.

"Was that a wormhole," John says.

D'Argo sighs. "Here we go again."

"Pilot, follow them," John commands.

"No."

"Wha- but…wormhole!" That's all John can manage, along with some dramatic arm gestures toward the empty space where they saw the wormhole.

"We are not going through that wormhole, John," Pilot says. "I'm putting my hand down this time."

"It's 'putting your foot down'," John mumbles.

"I do not have feet, John, I was impro-"

"Okay, whatever Pilot. You're not being fair," John says. "We agreed to vote on things like this, didn't we?"

Pilot mutters something that John hopes was a yes but probably wasn't.

"So let's vote."

John, Daniel, Vala, Teal'c, and Cam vote yes. Pilot, Aeryn, Chiana, D'Argo, and Moya vote no.

"Stark, you're the last one. What do you say?"

D'Argo whispers in Stark's ear and Chiana pushes him forward. Stark feels intimidated by all the eyes on him. "Yes," he blurts out.

"Stark!" D'Argo hiss-growls in betrayal.

"Sorry, I panicked," Stark admits.

Aeryn steps up. "Stark wants to change his vote. Right Stark?"

"No," Stark says quickly.

Aeryn, Chiana, D'Argo, and Pilot give him a Look.

"Sorry, I panicked again," Stark mumbles.

John butts in before it's too late. "That does it then. Through the wormhole!"

Pilot grumbles a bit more but honors the decision. Moya dives into the wormhole against her better judgment. There are immediate complications, of course.

Teal'c clings to a stationary object, but the ship shakes so violently that he is soon sprawling across the floor with a broken-off chunk of console. Things that should not be dangling from the ceiling are, well, dangling from the ceiling. Smoke spurts out of nowhere and Daniel ducks a stream of unknown liquid from a ripped tube.

When Pilot speaks, his voice vibrates. "This is very different from our other encounters with wormholes!"

"Don't panic, Pilot!" John calls out. "Try to keep it under control!"

Pilot is positively and absolutely as out of control as he possibly can be. Also, he's panicking.

Moya jolts and D'Argo flings to the right. He lands on the ragged end of a burst pipe. In a fit of Luxan rage he slices at it with his Qualta blade, leaving a twisted piece sticking out of his side. He slumps to the ground and Chiana tumbles into him.

"Aw frell, D'Argo!" she exclaims.

A support beam swings down and nearly takes Stark's head off. He rolls to safety, sweeping Cam and Aeryn off their feet to create a mini-pile-up in the middle of Command. And then it's over.

Moya drifts free from the wormhole, wounded. Teal'c discreetly tries to reattach the broken piece of console. He ends up hiding it in his shirt and hoping no one will notice.

John spends an unnecessarily long amount of time getting his vest unstuck from the sharp edge of a section of torn bulkhead. "Talk to me, Pilot. What's our condition?"

"There is severe damage," Pilot replies as if they don't already know that. "I don't know where we are but there is some sort of base."

"Gammak base?" Aeryn asks.

"No," Pilot responds to everyone relief. "The base is trying to communicate."

"JOHN, D'ARGO'S HURT!" Chiana screeches.

"Inside voice, Pip!" John exclaims, rushing to D'Argo's side. He finds a someone's pile of laundry shoved behind a wall panel and holds it against the bleeding Luxan.

D'Argo tries to wave him away. "I'm fine," he groans unconvincingly.

"Don't be a hingemot, D'Argo, you are _not_ fine!" Chiana cries.

"You've got a pipe sticking out of your side, man." John tries to think of the best way to go about this.

Pilot cuts into his contemplating. "The base is still trying to communicate."

John and Cam make eye contact and nod. Cam says, "Answer them, Pilot."

The image of a man in a black and red uniform appears. "Are you okay over there?" he asks. "'Cause you don't look okay."

"Uh, yeah, we could really use some help," Cam replies.

"One of our crew is injured," John explains.

"Our ship is falling apart," Vala adds, a ceiling segment falling behind her, conveniently proving her point.

"One thing at a time," the man says calmly. "You have clearance to dock at docking port three. Can you make it?"

Pilot nods and Cam tells the man, "Yes."

"See you when you get there," the man says before ending communications.

"That went surprisingly well," Daniel observes.

Moya manages to limp over to the docking port. Pilot sets his DRD's to start on repairs while the crew goes to meet the people from the base.

"Welcome to Deep Space Nine, I'm Commander Sisko," says the man in charge. It is the only introduction they fit in before they are being hurried into Command where D'Argo lies bleeding.

Dr Julian Bashir speed over to him, takes one look, and calls for an emergency beam out. That causes a slight panic among the crew of Moya.

"Where'd he go!" Chiana screams, running to where D'Argo used to be.

Stark stares wide-eyed from his obvious hiding spot in the corner where everyone can see him. Aeryn whips out her gun. Major Kira also whips out her gun, and Odo places himself between the Commander and any possible threat.

Sisko contains his crew with a single word. John, on the other hand, spends five and a half minutes convincing Aeryn to put the gun away, and Daniel attempts to calm Chiana by explaining what he knows of transporters. She refuses to cooperate until Lt Dax suggests a trip to the Infirmary.

 _ **The Infirmary**_

When they get there Julian has already removed the pipe and is using a medical instrument over the wound, which is leaking black blood. The doctor looks rather confused, studying his tool. "I can't seem to stop the bleeding…"

Aeryn easily shoves Julian aside and starts punching D'Argo's injury as hard as she can.

Julian is shocked. "What are you _doing_!" He tries six different tactics to remove Aeryn from D'Argo's bedside, all of which fail miserably. Once D'Argo's blood turns clear, Aeryn is satisfied and backs off.

Julian returns to work, muttering something about barbaric methods. This time his dermal regenerator works and D'Argo's wound closes up.

Now that things have settles down, they notice Ba'al lying on a bed.

Julian notices them noticing. "He and two others arrived through the wormhole shortly before you. He received a nasty head wound," he explains. "Fascinating, really. If you look at these scans, there's a symbiont right-"

"He's a Goa'uld and you should just let him die," Vala interrupts.

Julian has had enough. "That's it," he says in his most commanding voice. "I don't want any more of this negative energy in my infirmary. Out!"

Everyone casually strolls out with Julian hurrying them along. Chiana claims she's staying with D'Argo so she can later sneak out to cause trouble in peace.

"Where are the other two that were with him?" Cam asks, pointing back at Ba'al.

"In the brig," Odo says, looking very satisfied. Only one thing can make this day better, he thinks. He walks off to go stalk Quark in the hope that he can catch him doing something illegal.

"I'll give you the tour," Sisko offers.

One arn *ahem, _hour_ * later, Sisko leads the way into ops. "And this is ops." He looks around and notices that he's lost his tour group a while back. He pretends like he didn't randomly say that and ignores the stares as he retreats into his office.

 _ **On Moya**_

O'Brien can't wait to get his hands on this remarkable ship. He follows Teal'c to Command so they can start fixing it up. There's so much damage, he doesn't know where to start.

A hologram of an alien that resembles a turtle appears in a clamshell-shaped structure. "Hello," says the turtle.

"Uh, hello," O'Brien says a bit awkwardly.

Thankfully, the turtle introduces itself so O'Brien can stop thinking of it as 'the turtle'. "I'm Pilot, and I will be helping direct you with healing Moya."

"Healing…?" O'Brien questions the choice of words.

"Yes, her injuries are not fatal, but there are many," Pilot says.

"You talk as if the ship is alive," O'Brien says.

Pilot sounds a tiny bit offended on Moya's behalf when he says, "She is!"

A few little yellow robot things surround O'Brien. He clumsily steps over one and they follow him, their eyestalks staring at him expectantly. "Your pets are kind of getting in the way…"

"Pets?" Pilot asks, confused. O'Brien indicates the little robots. "Those are DRD's," Pilot says as if that explains everything. It doesn't.

O'Brien turns to a console with a good-sized chunk missing from it. Teal'c pulls the broken piece out of his shirt. "This broke off."

O'Brien stares. "So you…put it in your shirt?"

"Yes."

O'Brien accepts the fact that confusion will be his constant state for the rest of the day and gets to work. The DRD's watch and try to help and confuse him even more.

 _ **In The Brig**_

After accidentally wandering off from the tour group, John and Cam go in search of certain villains to make sure they are contained. They find Scorpius and Braca locked behind an invisible force field in the brig.

"Fancy," Cam says, poking at the shimmery force field.

"Got to get us one of these on Moya," John says. "Havin' fun, Grasshopper?"

Scorpius growls. "This was not how I intended to spend the day, no."

"How _did_ you plan on spending the day?" John asks, arms crossed.

"You don't think I'm going to reveal my plan, do you, John?" Scorpius replies.

"You came here with the idea that you could take over this base and use the wormhole to gain an advantage over the Scarrans?" John guesses.

Scorpius fails at hiding his disbelief. "How did you know that."

John taps the side of his forehead. "Good ole Harvey."

A high-pitched scream comes from behind them. John and Cam whirl around to the sight of a strange little alien with huge ears holding his chest as Odo finishes morphing into himself from where he was hiding as a trash can.

They watch with fascination as Quark shakes a finger at Odo threateningly. "I eagerly await the day you give me a heart attack so I can sue you."

Odo just glares at Quark until the Ferengi brushes himself off and says, "I'm here to report a theft."

"All right," Odo says. "What did you steal and who from?"

"No, _I_ didn't steal anything!" Quark says defensively. "That _toad_ has been stealing stuff from _me_."

"I thought you liked him," Odo says. "After all, you two have almost everything in common."

"A match made in toad heaven," Kira butts in. "I've been getting complaints about him too, Constable, and I have a few of my own."

"Then let's go see to that," Odo says.

John and Cam follow, interested in the outcome of these aliens' strange little problems.

 _ **The Promenade**_

Stark stands mesmerized by the amount of new things available for him to do here. He spots some kind of shrine and starts making his way over there when a grey scaly alien pops up beside him and joyously exclaims, "Well, look at you!"

At first Stark thinks it's Scorpius and he yelps, but when he turns no one is there. He assumes it was a hallucination or something, but then the grey face appears on his other side. It is smiling so widely that Stark knows it isn't Scorpius.

"You would be perfect!" the alien says. He grabs Stark's hand and shakes it enthusiastically. "I'm Garak, and I have just the thing for you!"

Stark is being dragged away somewhere when Julian joins them. "Stop harassing our visitors, Garak," he says.

"Nonsense, my good doctor, this young man could use a wardrobe change, don't you think?" Garak says as they enter his tailor shop.

Julian must admit Stark's raggy outfit wouldn't be his, or anyone's, first or second or third or seventy-ninth choice.

Stark stands and speaks in uncomprehending mumbles as he is measured, spun, wrapped in fabric and otherwise calculated by the eccentric tailor. Then Garak directs him into a changing room, and after about twelve minutes Stark realizes he's supposed to be changing.

Stark emerges wearing what Garak calls the latest fashion statement for men in the 24th century. The Cardassian then shoos the bewildered Banik back out into the Promenade to advertise for his shop. Julian finds himself the tailor's next subject.

Stark returns to the shrine where he meets a much calmer and easier to understand alien called Bareil.

 _ **Quark's Bar**_

A group of Ferengi hogs the biggest table in the center of the bar. Chiana and Vala have wriggled their way into the shifty deals and arrangements going on.

"Hey Pip, quit sneakily conspiring with the local Hynerians!" John calls out.

"I'm not doing anything sneaky!" Chiana replies as she sneaks a strip of latinum into her boot.

Quark stares at John suspiciously. "Funny you should say _Hynerian_."

As if on cue, a throne sled floats its way down the stairs, carrying none other than… "Sparky!" John exclaims in disbelief. "I thought I smelled something unpleasantly familiar."

Quark annoyingly tugs on Odo's sleeve and points. "You see! He's stealing holosuite time."

"I find it rather amusing how when he first arrived you two were best friends, and now you hate him," Odo says.

"Rygel has that effect on people," John says.

"So does Quark," Odo points out.

Quark slinks away to the table of Ferengi's and other people of questionable honesty.

"You're not dead!" John exclaims, knuckle-punching Rygel in the head.

Rygel waves his little arms around in annoyance. "Of course not! I've been here waiting for you incompetent frelniks to come get me for over a cycle!"

"We weren't lookin', Ryg, we thought you were dead," John says.

Sisko shows up behind them and makes everyone jump in surprise. "He came floating out of the wormhole one day," the commander explains. "He was lucky O'Brien was quick with the emergency transporter or he _would_ be dead."

"No thanks to _you_ , Crichton." Rygel pokes John harshly.

"Hey, I wasn't the one who decided to bring the Stargate on board," John argues back.

D'Argo bursts through everyone, knocking over two people, three waitresses, and a random Ferengi who got in the way. "You've got to come see this, John."

"You can't just knock people over like that, D," John says, but D'Argo is not listening as he drags John up to the holosuites.

"Hey, I hope you paid for that!" Quark calls after them.

Cam waves Daniel down and points to Chiana and Vala at the Ferengi table. "Yo Jackson, could you do some damage control?"

Daniel makes some exasperated hand movements which Cam takes as a yes. Then he rushes off after John.

In the holosuite, Worf and Aeryn are battling with holographic bat'leths. D'Argo makes three more appear out of thin air. He looks proud of himself. "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

"Can't say that I have, but aren't you supposed to be in med bay, er, the infirmiry, or whatever?" John asks.

"I feel fine, John, they have impressive healing technology here," D'Argo insists. He shoves one of the weapons into John's hands and one into Cam's.

They attempt a three way bat'leth battle, resulting in both John and Cam getting hurt because Worf doesn't like to turn the safeties on.

 _ **The Infirmary Again**_

Julian looks up to find some new patients arrive. What he notices more than their cuts is that they look exactly alike.

"Transporter accident?" he asks.

"Uh, nope," Cam says. "…does that happen often?"

Before Julian gets a chance to answer, Sisko walks in. "I apologize for the reckless behavior of my crew."

"No need," John says. "We did this to each other."

"Still, Worf should've known better than to take you into the holosuite without the safeties," Sisko says.

At that moment, Stark wanders in. "Woah Astro, you're looking more…colorful than usual," John says, observing Stark's new clothes

"It is the latest fashion of the 24th century," Stark says, repeating Garak's words.

"…24th…century?" Cam asks.

"Yeah," Sisko says as if it's obvious.

"Does that wormhole do time travel?" Cam asks. "'Cause we seem to be in the wrong time…"

Sisko looks a little puzzled now. "It's not supposed to…"

John jumps off the bed. "It's time we figure out what exactly happened."

 _ **Science Lab**_

Dax and Daniel are going on and on about stuff that doesn't make any sense. To Vala and Chiana, it's so much more boring than the game of Tongo they'd been in the middle of when Daniel pulled them out of Quarks bar.

"Do you think he'll notice if we sneak away?" Vala whispers to Chiana.

"I heard that," Daniel says. Then he goes back to techno-babbling with Dax. The only thing they need now is Carter to add to the confusing nerd-language.

Carter walks in. Vala and Chiana pretend like they weren't trying to sneak away even though Daniel heard them. "Sam, hello!" Vala says innocently.

"We called in the expert," Cam says. "Now you smart people find out what went wrong and fix it."

Carter jumps right in with Daniel and Dax. Nobody else can follow what they're talking about right now.

They end up coming to the conclusion that the Stargate interfered with the wormhole, causing both to somehow intertwine together and- never mind, Cam's not even gonna pretend like he gets it.

Five solar days later, they are ready to leave. Moya is all healed, and improved with a new force field holding cell, which currently contains Scorpius, Braca, and Ba'al. Everyone says goodbye to the crew of Deep Space Nine. Quark says goodbye to the precious latinum that Chiana and Vala won in Tongo.

Everyone on DS9 is overjoyed to see Rygel leaving once and for all. "You know what, Odo?" Quark says as the docking port door closes.

"What?" Odo asks even though he doesn't care.

"I'm not gonna miss him at all."

Odo is already walking away.

Moya approaches the wormhole. Pilot is ready this time after getting a lesson from Dax on verteron nodes and how to avoid them. The trip back to the Uncharted Territories goes much smoother than last time.

"Now that I'm back, you can drop me off at Hyneria," Rygel says. "I've learned a few things from the Ferengi that might improve my empire, such as that females must be naked."

"Geez, Rygel, you do that and _nobody_ will like you," John says.

"No one likes him anyway," Aeryn adds.

They decide to take Rygel to Hyneria just to get rid of him.

"You know what, that wasn't such a bad week," Cam says.

The force field holding Scorpius malfunctioned," Pilot says. "They've escaped in their Marauder."

John shrugs. "Well, I guess something had to go wrong."


End file.
